Finding Faith
by Errik's angel
Summary: When Derek commits a terrible action, does his life come down to that single act?  Should he be punished on the assumption that he can never be redeemed?  Or does the opportunity for change still exist?  Somewhat MerDer as characters determine that answer
1. Chapter 1

"Meri?" Derek asked to get her attention from the newspaper.

"Hmm?" She barely glanced up at him, taking a sip of her coffee.

"What do you think of kids?" he questioned, rather out-of-the-blue.

It was completely effective in gaining her complete attention. She sputtered, spraying coffee all over the kitchen table. When she managed to quit coughing, she exclaimed, "What? What are you talking about?"

Hiding his smirk, he passed her a napkin to wipe up the coffee. "You know, Meredith, I think I'm just going to be really direct with you. Do you want to have a baby?"

Meredith was choking again, even though she had nothing in her mouth. "Um . . . a baby . . . with you."

"I would hope the baby's with me," he teased gently. "Don't freak out too much, Meri. I don't need an answer right now, I just want you to think about it."

"Um, yeah, thinking, okay," Meredith rambled. "Right."

Derek chuckled softly. "We don't have to have kids, but if we're going to, sometime soon would maybe be a pretty good time. We've been married three years and you're done with your fellowship in a month."

"I'll be an attending." Meredith grinned at the thought. "Well, as long as the chief of surgery approves. Do you think he will?" Meredith joked, knowing perfectly well she was good enough. And that the chief of surgery was her husband.

"I think he will. He needs to get rid of that dumb assNugan as head of department anyways," Derek played along.

Meredith's eyes lit up. "You're going to make me head of neurology?"

He touched her cheek affectionately. "Not anytime soon, but hopefully eventually."

The glow left Meredith's face after a moment, and she said softly, "I'll think about the kid thing."

"That's all I'm asking," Derek told her.

"It's just, I always assumed we'd have kids eventually, but eventually is so different than actually. Would I be a good mother?" she asked rather shyly.

"I think you'd be a great mother."

She bit her lip in thought. "And you'd be a good dad. Maybe we could do this, Derek." Having a baby with Derek, the idea seemed unreal. And somehow wonderful.

He leaned over to kiss her softly. "Don't rush the decision, sweetheart. I'll be happy either way."

"Would you really?" She leaned into the hand that was against her face.

"Meredith, of course. I'm incredibly happy right now; I have you, how could I not be happy?" He rubbed his thumb along her cheekbone. "And a baby would make me happy too."

"Okay." She nodded slowly. "I'll think about it."

He kissed her forehead softly. "I know you will. Now go get ready to go. Don't want the chief angry if you're late."

She giggled. "Oh, I'm sure he'd fire me."

"You are so funny when you try to be sarcastic," Derek laughed.

"You love me anyways."

"I do love you always," Derek agreed. "But go." He pushed her lightly towards the stairs so she'd go get dressed.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

"Iz, would I be a good mom?" Meredith asked randomly as they were changing out of their scrubs that evening.

Izzie was startled for a moment before she recovered nicely, and responded, "Yeah, of course you would. You're great with Rachael." Her reasoning referred to her two year daughter with George.

"Did McDreamy finally pop the question instead of just hinting?" Christina asked knowingly.

"Yep," Meredith said with a frown. "Somehow that last popped question was easier to answer. I'll screw with me and Derek's lives, but I don't want to mess up a kid."

"Commitment easier than kids," Christina scoffed. "I guess that's why I have no kids."

"Burke doesn't want kids either, though, does he?" Meredith questioned.

"Nope. We are both happy with careers and marriage. It's enough crap for one lifetime."

Izzie and Meredith both laughed at Christina's pessimistic attitude, knowing her well enough to realize it was mostly just an act. Christina loved Burke and her job with passion.

Going back to the previous subject, Izzie reassured Meredith, "I don't think you'd screw up a kid, Mer. You're not really all that dark and twisty anymore."

Christina offered her opinion. "Yeah, and Derek's so freaken bright and shinny that your dark and twisty would be good balance for the kid."

Meredith face twisted into a grin. "I think we could do it. I think I want to." The realization was hardly a shock. Ever since Derek had dropped his first hint, over a year ago, it had gotten her thinking. Her and Derek with a little baby that was all theirs. It was a fantasy that made her warm and melty, and it made her want things she had sworn her whole life she would never want. A baby. Her and Derek's baby.

"So there's going to be some mini-McDreamies in the near future?" Christina asked, reading Meredith's expression and interrupting her daydream.

"I think so." Meredith nodded. "Yeah, probably so. I do want babies with him and now is a good time."

"Babies?" Christina sneered. "Trust me, one will be enough."

"No," Izzie contradicted. "Well, you will think that while you're pregnant, and actually quite a bit once the baby is born. But then there'll be moments when you just know you want more."

"And those will be the moments you have sex with a condom," Christina finished.

"Pretty much," Izzie agreed with a laugh.

Meredith finished changing and took her bag out of her locker. "Thanks for the advice guys. I've got to go home and talk to Derek."

"Talk," Christina mocked. "Right. Well, have fun."

Meredith decided that was a good time to leave the room.

"Remember _not _to use a condom," Christina called to her retreating back.

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"Derek," Meredith called as she stepped into the house they had built on his land. "I'm home."

Derek came out of the kitchen and met her in the living room with a quick kiss.

"How was work, sweetheart? I didn't see you much today," he said.

"It was good," she nodded with a smile. "Dr. Nugan let me do a craniotomy. I kicked ass. And I decided something."

Smiling brightly at her enthusiasm about the surgery, he didn't comment further on it, and instead focusing on her last sentence. "What did you decide, Meri?"

"Remember that thing you asked me to think about?"

That got his complete attention focus on her. "Yeah," he said carefully, not wanting to reveal emotion and pressure her.

"I decided yes." She nodded her head enthusiastically to emphasize her own words. "I want a baby."

Derek was rather shocked, to say the least. He had never known Meredith to make an important decision that fast and seem so sure about it. Hell, she could deliberate for twenty minutes about something as simple as a pizza topping. She tended to be rather indecisive. Slow to make decision and quick to change her mind. But the tone she used convinced Derek that she would not be changing her mind.

Just to be sure, he asked, "Are you sure? You're not just doing this for me?"

"Yeah, I am sure. I want us to have a baby. I want a baby. They really are damn cute, and I think that we could maybe raise a kid. You know, without fucking their life up. I really think we can. And a baby . . ."

Meredith sighed almost longingly, and smiled up at him before she was literally swept off her feet and into his arms. He swung her in circles around and around, both of them laughing contagiously.

"I think you're suppose to do that when I'm actually pregnant," Meredith giggled when he finally set her down, yet kept her in the circle of his arms.

"You will be. And you're going to have to watch what comes out of that sweet little mouth of yours when we have a baby. Not all things that come out of it are as sweet as expected." His eyes glowed with love for her even as he reprimanded her lightly.

Her only response was another giggle.

Derek found himself laughing with her, before asking, "What made you decide so fast? You never make decisions that fast. You contemplated what color to paint the _guestroom_ five times longer than that."

"I think I've wanted this, Derek." She looked deeply into his indigo eyes. "I think I did, and I just needed you to ask me straight out. You should know I'm an avoider. Sometimes I just need a push."

Chuckling, Derek lifted the hem of her shirt, and placed a warm hand on her flat stomach, grinning in anticipation.

"I'll be fat," she warned.

"You'll be beautiful."

Derek ended the discussion by capturing her lips in a long and passionate kiss that had them both gasping for air when it ended.

"You know what the best part of a baby is?" Derek asked with a wicked gleam in his eye.

"What?" Meredith asked cautiously, having a feeling she knew what he was going to say.

"Making it."

With that, he kissed her again, walking her backwards up the stairs and into their bedroom, where he proceeded to lay her down and show her that making babies was, if not the best part of children, certainly a highlight.

**So there's the beginning of my newest story. I'm kind of going out on a limb with this one, and I have no idea what kind of reactions to expect when the plot really unfolds. I hope most of you will just trust me and hang on for the ride (I can promise a happy ending). But despite this fluffy beginning this is a sad story, just to warn.**

**I think most of this should be clear. Background should make itself clear as the story unfolds. Season two happened for sure and possibly some events of season three, I'm not really sure, but like I said, I'll explain as I go. **

**Feel free to ask me any questions about this one, at any time. Reviewing is a great way to do that, hint hint.**


	2. Chapter 2

"God dammit!"

Derek woke to his wife cursing and a crash from the bathroom. Not a great way to start the morning. Dragging himself out of bed much more quickly than usual, he went into the adjoining bathroom to find the room looking like a hurricane tore through it and Meredith crying on the floor.

Instantly, he crossed the room to sit down beside her and pull her into his arms.

"Meredith, what's wrong? What happened, Meri?"

She hiccupped a little, letting out another sob. "I fell."

"You fell?" he exclaimed. "From where? What hurts?"

She pointed to the closed toilet underneath the medicine which had obviously been dug through. Derek automatically went into doctor mode and began examining her body for any injuries.

Shrugging off his wandering hands, but still letting him hold her, she claimed she was in her infamous condition. She was fine.

"You're not hurt?" Derek clarified.

She shook her head no.

He hugged her tighter, knowing the emotional problem, whatever it was, would probably be harder to fix than a physical problem would have been. Mostly because he first had to find out what the problem was. And his Meredith didn't always open up, not even to him.

Combing his fingers through her hair, Derek asked in a soft voice, "Why are you crying, Meri?"

She sniffed and wiped at her eyes with her sleeve until Derek scooted them across the bathroom floor to get her a Kleenex.

Sensing she wasn't going to answer, he asked a different question. "What happened to our bathroom? Were you looking for something?"

Their cheeks brushed together when Meredith nodded and Derek turned his head to brush his lips across her cheek. He asked, "Meredith, what were you looking for?"

With another dramatic sniff, Meredith finally spoke one word. "Tampons."

Derek was relived she couldn't see his face. He could snort back his laughter so she didn't hear it, but it wasn't able to stop the surprised amusement that flooded his face. Composing himself, he compassionately inquired, "Do you not have any, sweetheart?"

With that, Meredith's emotional dam was broken through and her frustration can pouring out as she pulled out of Derek's arms and got to her feet. "No, I don't have any! None at all! What the fuck am I suppose do to? Bleed all over the place? I fucking need those tampons. I need them!"

Derek was shocked by the outburst and her tone gave him the feeling this wasn't just about tampons. Standing up himself, he hugged her again.

"We'll stop somewhere on the way to work, Meri," he murmured.

Dashing more tears from her face, she informed him, "We can't drive together today. I'm not off until eight am tomorrow."

Inwardly wincing at the awful hours assigned to the residents, he offered, "I'm off tomorrow morning. I'll come pick you up."

She shrugged, indicating how upset she really was. Normally, she would have protested his coddling and insisted on driving herself. Derek took note of this immediately.

Steering her back to the bedroom, he sat her down on the bed, crouching down so he was at her level and told her, "Alright, Meredith, we are not leaving this house until you tell me what's bothering you. Clearly, it's not tampons."

"I'm fine, Derek."

That got him to smile. "I think you know I haven't fallen for that line in about five years."

She didn't respond and he moved to up to sit beside her, pulling her onto his lap and scooting across the bed to lean against the headboard. Instead of pushing her to talk, he ran a hand up and down her back, just soaking in the feeling of holding his wife.

"We have to go to work," she muttered after a few silent minutes.

"I already told you, after you tell me what's wrong," he ordered gently.

She stiffened in his arms.

"What's wrong now?" He felt her nonverbal anger.

Her mouth was half-buried in his shirt so her words were muffled as she said, "You said you wouldn't pressure me. After me got married you said you wouldn't pressure me to talk. That you trusted me to come to you. That was after our first fight, remember. Holding me hostage in my home is pressure."

Derek sighed. She made a good point. But letting something like this, whatever it was, go really bothered him.

"Will you tell me later?" he asked.

"Do you trust me?" It almost sounded like she was teasing him a bit.

"Of course."

"Then you have an answer."

He nodded slowly, before squeezing her close and leaning over to kiss the top of her head.

"I love you, Meri," he whispered as he let her up to finish getting ready.

They didn't talk as they got ready, but before they left the room, Meredith wrapped her arms around Derek's neck.

"I love you," she told him. "Thanks for putting up with me."

"I love every minute of if," he said quite honestly and they kissed deeply before heading down stairs.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

After grabbing a sandwich from the cafeteria, Derek caught the elevator up to his office for lunch. He hadn't seen Meredith down there, and with the best option gone, he decided his paperwork would make a suitable lunch-time companion.

Instead of being greeted by an empty office and a mound of paperwork, there was Meredith, swiveling in his desk chair, thumbing through a magazine that looked suspiciously like Cosmopolitan.

"Glad to see my best resident hard at work," he teased, startling her as he came into the office and put his sandwich on his desk.

"Oh, hi." She showed the magazine into a medical journal she had also brought up with her. "Just catching up on the newest literature, for my fellowship." She gave him her sweetest smile.

Derek glanced at the page she had randomly turned to as he came around the desk to stand beside her.

"'Experimental Procedure in treating Breast Cancer.' I'm sure that's highly applicable to your fellowship in nuero." He took the journal from her hands and shook out the Cosmo. "Busted," he teased, waving it in front of her face.

She blushed appropriately, taking the magazine back as she stood up so he could sit and she could plop onto his lap.

Wrapping his arms low across her stomach, he sighed, happy for this additional opportunity to cuddle her.

"So, to what do I owe this unexpected visit?" he asked her.

"This morning," she sighed.

He sucked in a breath. "Meri, I've been thinking about that, and if you don't want to tell me, you shouldn't have to. I was wrong to push."

"No." She turned her neck to look into his eyes. "Sometimes I need a little pushing."

Laughing, he crossed the inches between their mouths to kiss her softly. Instead of pushing her more, he held her silently, waiting for her to talk.

Shifting in his lap, Meredith turned so she was straddling him and could look into his eyes.

"So . . ." she began hesitantly, twisting her hands in her lap and watching them instead of him.

Derek caught her hands with one of his and used the other to tilt her chin so she'd meet his eyes.

Without any prompting, Meredith continued. "This is going to sound stupid. Sort of emotional woman overreacting," she warned him.

"Try me." He moved the hand from her chine to stroke her cheek and move back to tangle in her hair.

"Well, it has to do with tampons, I guess," she started again.

"Okay." Derek nodded to show encouragement.

Meredith looked slightly uncomfortable and embarrassed. "You know why I need tampons, right?"

He chuckled, finding it comical that his of three years would ask him a question like that and be nervous about it. Especially considering he was a doctor. "I've got that one figured out. Not completely clueless when it comes to women."

Her smile back quickly faded into her anxious state. "And what does that imply?"

"Um . . ." Derek looked at her blankly, not catching on, and hoping for a clue. "What does what imply?"

"The need for tampons," she said impatiently.

"That I'll take you to the store at six in the morning?" he guessed.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "No, not that need for tampons, the other one."

"What other one?"

Making a noise of frustration, she gave up trying to lead him, and blurted out, "I'm not pregnant," before finding an obsessive interest in staring at her hands.

Suddenly, it all made sense to Derek. The frustration, the crying, the shutting him out. He got it now. Wrapping his arms more firmly around her, he pulled her tight against him, one hand resting lightly on her neck, his fingers running along the soft skin.

"Meri . . ." he murmured, unsure of what to say. He didn't want to sound condescending. She had warned his that this would sound like an overreaction, and, honestly, it kind of was. They had only been trying for two weeks. The fact that she hadn't gotten pregnant right away wasn't a huge shock or even that big of a deal. But pointing that out wouldn't help the situation. She that the facts already.

"Meri," he said again, and at loss for words, he said that first ones that came into his head. "I love you. I love you more than anything."

Her face was hidden in his neck and he could feel her hot breath, a contrast with the tears that were dampening his skin. It seemed words were unnecessary now. He had communicated through all of his actions that it was okay and her body was beginning to feel more relaxed.

Time seemed to lose all meaning and they sat like that until there was a knock at the door.

"Just a minute!" Derek called.

Meredith sat up on his lap and he touched her now dry face.

"You okay?" he asked quietly.

She nodded. "I'm good now. Thank you." Entwining her fingers in his curl, she leaded down to give him a lingering kiss that he automatically returned. "I love you."

"You know I love you."

Derek's hands slide down her back to cup her bottom through her scrub pants. "You know the best part of this?"

"No. What?"

Moving towards her ear, he whispered with exaggerated secrecy, "We get to keep trying."

To his delight, Meredith giggled. "And I like sex every night."

"Me too. Twice a night is better." He winked naughtily, making her giggle again.

He leaned in to kiss her deeply, letting it linger longer than he usually did at work.

"Come on." He helped her out of his lap. "Let's go see who needs me."

"There's people besides me who need the chief of surgery?" Meredith asked with mock amazement.

Derek laughed and stood up to kiss her again before they left the office.

"What is it, Patricia?" he asked the secretary outside of his office.

"A man was just admitted. Say he's a VIP patient of yours." She flipped through some paperwork. "Here it is, a Dr. Mark Sloan."


	3. Chapter 3

Meredith went with Derek to Mark's room, almost running to keep up with his long strides. Derek's concern and curiosity about Mark prevented him from noticing this and slowing down for her as he normally would.

This behavior was no surprise for Meredith. Though Derek had not communicated with Mark in almost five year, Meredith knew that he had once considered the man to be his brother. This baffled Meredith, for in her interactions with Mark so many years ago, he had not struck her as someone whom Derek would befriend.

The Mark who greeted them from the hospital bed when they reached his room was a world away from the arrogant surgeon who had once flirted with Meredith and been given the name McSteamy. He was alarmingly thin and pale, and it was clear to any observer that he had been fighting some ailment for quite some time.

"Hey, Shep. Long time, no see," Mark greeted them.

"Mark." Derek gave him a tight smile. "What bring you to my hospital?"

"They say I have a brain tumor. Operable."

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The next few hours were a blur of tests, charts, and labs. Meredith was assigned to the case, working almost as an intern, per Derek's request.

"Please, Meri," he had said. "I need the best for him."

How could she have refused that?

Meredith saw Derek again in the MRI room. He squeezed her hand discretely as he walked by, giving her a warm smile, filled with love. It was almost as if he had actually spoken the words.

The images came up on the screen, drawing the Shepherds out of their private world. Derek and Meredith hunched over the shoulders of the technician, squinting at the screen that portrayed Mark's brain.

"Here's his scans from a month ago."

Meredith pulled the scans out before Derek could even ask and held them beside the computer screen so they could compare.

"It's stopped growing," Meredith observed, running fingers over the image.

Derek nodded in agreement. "What else?"

Frowning, Meredith squinted harder at the high-definition computer screen. "The edges are fuzzy. You'd have to cut a lot or it'd come back. He's lucky it's benign or he'd be dead already."

"Well at this rate, I'd say he only has six to eight weeks. Unless I operate." Derek paced back and forth behind Meredith and the MRI tech.

"Do you think you can?" Meredith asked quietly.

"I don't know." His tone was sharper than it normally was when he addressed her.

Unwilling to challenge him at work, in the setting where he was her boss, Meredith didn't respond.

"I could try," Derek finally said.

"What are his odds?" Meredith poised the question she wasn't sure she wanted answered.

Derek's mouth was set in a grim line. "I won't know for sure until I get in there. But now I'd say about ten percent."

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"Ten percent, huh," Mark mused.

Meredith laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Yes."

"Or less," Derek told him. "Like I said, I can't know for sure until I'm in there. But I would need to operate this week. This thing's sucking away your blood."

Mark frowned in thought. "Well, I'm almost certain to die if I don't do the surgery. Makes those odds look pretty good."

Meredith smiled kindly. "That is true."

Derek shook his head in disagreement. "You have six to eight weeks. That's something. This operation could easily leave you with nothing."

That statement was obviously coming more from a friend than a doctor. Normally, Derek never said things like that to a patient. It bordered strongly on unwarranted advice.

"I'm aware of that. But . . ." A look of great concentration crossed Mark's face. "I'll have the operation," he finally said. "You're the best, Derek, and I'll take my chances."

"Are you sure, Mark?" Meredith asked gently.

Giving her an almost flirtatious smile, that made him look much more like the Mark she had once know, he said, "Yeah. After all, at this point, I have nothing left to lose."

"We'll do more tests and consults and you'll be scheduled some time next week," Derek informed him rather curtly.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGGAGAGAGAGA

"Ten percent odds and he's having the surgery," Derek muttered to Meredith as they walked away from the room. "Who'd make that decision?"

Meredith looked up at him with a frown. "You would. I would. Mark is right. It's ten percent or a miracle. The ten percent is your best gamble." It seemed logical enough to her.

Scoffing, Derek said, "This isn't poker, Meredith. You don't gamble your life on ten percent. You take the eight weeks."

"Derek . . ."

Derek cut her off. "I don't want to talk about this. Stop talking or go away."

Anger flashed through Meredith, and she nearly yanked his arm off tugging him into the nearest on call room.

"What the hell is your problem?" she growled as she shut the door.

"Meredith." His eyes were filled with the same anger and frustration she was sure he saw reflected in her own. "You cannot do this at work. I'm your boss right now." He tried to step around her and out of the door.

She stood her ground. "No, right now you're not my boss, and you can't leave until you talk to me. We communicate, remember? Because everything goes to hell when we don't."

"Meredith, there is nothing to talk about. I don't agree with a patient's decision. That's it," he claimed.

Rolling her eyes, Meredith said, "You sound like me right now. And we both know this isn't just a patient, it's Mark."

Derek stared right back into her eyes. They were blue today and darkened to the shade he usually only saw during moments of passion.

"I am not going to hurt you, Meredith," he told her quite calmly. "But I am going to leave this room; now. I suggest you move."

"I won't."

It was the only answer he could have expected from his far too stubborn wife.

"Fine," he responded.

With a sigh, he took her shoulders in his hands, and attempted to move her away from the door. She would have none of it though, and forced his hands off of her, still standing in front of the door.

Unwilling to bruise her delicate skin by trying that effort with more force, Derek went for plan B. Wrapping his arms around her in a bear hug, he hoisted her up so her feet were off the ground and, despite her struggling, easily placed her on the opposite side of himself, and turned to walk out the door.

"You are not getting away that easy, Derek Shepherd," he heard her spit as he walked out of the room.

He knew, however, that she would not continue the argument in the hallway. They tried to keep their professional and private lives separate. Here he was her boss, and it got far too complicated if they didn't have that distinction. She wouldn't be bothering him, at least not until the next day when they both had the morning off.

Meredith came out of the on call room as he dropped Mark's chart off at the nurse's station. He could tell by her stance and expression that she was still angry with him. He felt a little bad for using her size against her like that. There was no question that she was tiny and he had just picked her up like she was a stubborn child.

"Is there anything else you need me for on this case, Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith asked with exaggerated professionalism.

"Just help monitor him, please. I'll assign an intern to do a higher level MRI and a PET scan. We'll wait a couple days and continue tests to watch for changes. I want to know as much a possible before I cut into this brain." He tried to tell her with his eyes that he wasn't angry with her.

Apparently, the message was either not communicated or ignored. "So basically, I'm off the case? You're replacing me with an intern?"

"I'm not replacing you with an intern, Meri . . ."

She interrupted. "Don't call me that at work."

"Dr. Shepherd," he corrected. "I'm letting an intern do intern work and I'm giving you a chance to work on finishing your fellowship. You're too good to run labs. But you will scrub in and assist. You're still on the case."

Meredith didn't respond, simply glared at him again, and stalked off to check on her patients.

Derek had to laugh. She was really too stubborn, and too cute, for her own good.

**Six hours until Harry Potter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


	4. Chapter 4

At midnight, Meredith finally finished her last surgery of the day. Complications had led it to take longer than expected, but in the end the patient had pulled through.

"Inform the family and see him through post-op," Meredith ordered the intern who had scrubbed in with her.

The intern scampered off after a "Yes, Dr. Shepherd."

Sighing, Meredith went up a floor to check on her patients again. She hated working through the night. Unless there was an emergency surgery, there was only intern work to do. But as a resident, she was still assigned to these shifts on occasion, though far less frequently than the interns and second and third year residents were.

_Only a month of this crap left_, she thought with glee.

Seeing no work that required her, Meredith decided that the most useful thing she could do was sleep. None of the good on call rooms were opened. The new interns were getting too smart. The comfortable couch in Derek's office came to mind. He would never know.

She walked to the office and started to use her key to unlock the door. To her surprise the door was already unlocked, and when she pushed opened the door, she revealed Derek asleep on the couch. Meredith stood in the doorway for a moment, trying to determine why he would stay in the hospital when he didn't have to. After a few moments of watching him sleep, Meredith stepped out of the room and started to close the door.

"Meredith, come back," Derek said softly, scaring her half to death.

Opening the door again, Meredith came back in and walked up to the couch. "I didn't mean to wake you." She kept her voice soft.

"It's okay." Derek opened his eyes to look at her. "I'm a light sleeper, remember?"

He shifted over on the couch, and opened his arms for her. She hesitated, remembering their fight that afternoon.

"Come here, Meri," he coaxed gently.

Stepping closer, she let him take her hand and pull her into his arms. It was such a familiar and comforting sensation that Meredith just melted into him arms and let his hand run up and down the bumps of her spine.

"Why are you still here?" she asked quietly.

"I thought I'd get more sleep here than in an empty bed, missing you." Derek left out the fact that Mark's surgery was weighing heavily on his mind, making sleep anywhere near impossible.

Nestling into a more comforting spot, Meredith read his thoughts and asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really," Derek sighed. After a long silence he said, "It's just, he my brother, you know? I don't want his death on my hands."

Meredith nodded, having suspected all along that it was something like that. "It wouldn't be on your hands," she reassured him.

Changing the subject completely, Meredith said, "I thought you left."

Reading into her question, Derek said in a more teasing tone, "Without saying goodbye to you? Never."

"But we were fighting."

Derek frowned. She really didn't know much about relationships. "I guess we don't fight enough," he teased. "A fight during the day doesn't mean I leave without saying goodbye to you. And for the record that was a disagreement, not a fight. I was never angry with you."

"Oh," Meredith breathed.

Derek chuckled, tightening his grip on her. "I love you," he whispered, moving close enough that his warm breath tickled her face.

"I love you too," Meredith sighed, tilting her head up for a kiss.

They lay in silence for a while until Derek asked her, "Do you think I can do it?"

"Mark's surgery?" she clarified.

"Hmm," he confirmed.

"Yes, I think you can. The tumor's in a difficult spot, and there will be a lot to cut, but I really think you can do it. The doctor that said it's inoperable was wrong."

"I wish I was as sure as you are," Derek sighed. "I just don't want to kill my brother."

"Derek . . ." Meredith paused to gather her thoughts. "Even if he . . . if the surgery isn't successful, it wouldn't be your fault. He knows the risks. He knows there's a 90 chance he won't come out of this. But you'll do your best. That's all Mark expects."

Derek hugged her closer. "I wish you knew how much I loved you, Meredith."

"I do know," she countered.

"No . . . You can't know. It's too big for anyone to possibly understand. You're my everything, Meredith Ellis Grey-Shepard," he declared.

"I love you like that too Derek. I understand." Meredith turned to kiss his jawbone.

Unwilling to argue, Derek just settle for kissing her deeply, and then turning her so she was spooned against him and adjusted comfortably for sleep.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

"So it's Meredith Shepard now, huh?" Mark stated rather than asked when she came into his room the next night to check up on him.

Meredith couldn't help but smile. "It is."

"Hmm, nurse gossip is good for something," Mark reflected. "I can't believe I didn't notice the rings."

"At least you have a good excuse," Meredith teased. He somehow made her comfortable saying things she wouldn't normally say to a patient.

She had judged Mark correctly. He laughed. "You're right. I've got to milk this tumor thing for all it's worth."

"That's right," Meredith agreed with a grin. "So what are the nurse's saying today?"

The expression on Mark's face indicated that it had to be something good. "Oh, just something along the line of Mr. and Mrs. McDreamy have started using on-call rooms for fighting instead of sex."

Meredith rolled her eyes. The nurses had been talking about her private life with Derek since she had started working here. She was pretty much immune to it at this point.

Watching her face carefully, Mark laughed. "You look like you've heard these things far too many times."

Having finished her brief examination of him, Meredith sat down in the chair next to the bed to talk to him.

"Yeah, pretty much since I started here," Meredith agreed.

"You were an intern last time I saw you," Mark reflected. "Now you must be almost an attending. It's been what, six, seven years?"

"Eight," Meredith informed him. "It'll be an attending in a month. Derek's wife for four years."

"And still having sex in oncall rooms," Mark teased. "I guess it's no surprise. You're pretty lusty."

Meredith swatted his arm.

"Hey," Mark exclaimed, "You can't hit you patient."

"You can't call your doctor lusty," Meredith shot back.

Laughing, Mark said, "I can see why Derek married you."

"What's that suppose to mean?" Meredith exclaimed with a laugh.

Mark blatantly looked her up and down. "Lusty, smart, funny, bossy, and damn hot. Derek and I have always had the same taste in women."

Walking into the room at the same time, Derek had the opportunity to hear all the adjectives Mark had used to describe his wife. Luckily, he knew Mark well enough not to take it too seriously.

"Trying to steal another wife, Mark?" Derek questioned lightly.

Mark's face lit up at seeing Derek in a good mood. "I'd steal this one." He took Meredith's hand. "We've talking for about fifteen minutes of our lives and I've already fallen in love with her."

Stepping forward, Derek took Meredith's hand from Mark and grasped it in his own. "She's taken." He was no longer teasing.

"Derek," Meredith chastised. "You're overreacting."

"You are," Mark agreed. "Everyone knows she's yours. Except me because you couldn't bother to tell me you'd gotten married."

The mood lightened with that comment, and the three were soon talking and laughing like old friends. Which they sort of were.

"We'd better go, Meredith," Derek suggested in a lull of conversation. "I've been off for two hours, and it's been half an hour for you."

"Okay . . ." Meredith agreed reluctantly. "We'll see you in the morning, Mark."

Mark winked at her. "I'll be looking forward to it." He turned to address Derek. "You'd better start sexing your wife instead of fighting with her. Wouldn't want her coming to Markie to get some."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "In your dreams, Markie."

"Oh, you will be in my dreams, babe," he teased.

Cutting into their banter, Derek asked, "Mark, seriously, is it you goal to sleep with every woman I do?"

Laughing, Mark immediately replied, "Only the hot ones. Come on, I could be dead in a week and you won't let me do your wife?"

Derek's mood shifted immediately from amused annoyance to dark and angry.

"I won't ever let you do my wife," Derek grasped Meredith's wrist a tight enough to slightly hurt. "We're leaving now."

To show him she wasn't angry with him, Meredith flashed Mark a smile. "Goodnight."

"See you, lusty almost-attending."


	5. Chapter 5

In the car on the way home, Derek was still seething and unwilling to give more than one word responses as Meredith persistently tried to start a conversation that was unrelated to Mark.

Giving up, Meredith finally exclaimed, "Derek, what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing," he said sharply.

Wracking her brain for what could be bothering him, Meredith landed on something, and asked much more gently, "You know I'd never cheat on you, don't you, Derek?"

"Meredith." He nearly growled her name, apparently just as angry. But at least this time he was willing to speak. "This may surprise you, but the world doesn't revolve around you. This has nothing to do with you."

"Okay," Meredith said just as rudely. "Then what is your problem?"

"Meredith!" He stopped suddenly and took a deep breath as if to calm himself so he wouldn't lash out at her or crash the car. More gently, he started again. "It's Mark again, Meri. The surgery is bothering me. But I really don't want to talk about it."

Meredith adjusted her tone to match his. "Alright."

"Thank you." He reached across the car to take her hand and caress her fingers gently as he held it. "And, Meri?"

"Yes?"

"My world does revolve around you."

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

Derek avoided the issue of Mark's surgery for the next two days, and Meredith eventually stopped bringing it up. She trusted that he would be able to deal with it. The night before the surgery finally came, and their house was filled with an unavoidable tension that neither of them really wanted to bring up.

Meredith sat on the counter and stirred the rice that was cooking on the stove. They had been finding activities to distract themselves all evening and cooking dinner had occupied them for the last half an hour.

"Looks good," Derek said as he came over to her and peaked at the rice. "I'm surprised."

"Hey," she protested. "I'm a great stirrer."

Leaning in towards her, he kissed her nose. "You're cute."

She mock-pouted at him and hopped off the counter as he took the rice off the stove and pulled the chicken from the oven.

Unfortunately, the conversation ended at that point as they ran out of things to say that didn't come to close to Mark and the 7:00 am surgery he was scheduled for.

Meredith picked at her broccoli and tried to ignore the uncomfortable feeling settling over them. They were never this awkward, and she hated that it was happening.

"Meredith, eat your vegetables, don't play with them," Derek told her.

"I'm not five," she mumbled, frowning as she stuck a piece in her mouth and chewed it.

The rest of dinner passed in silence and it ended quickly when all they did was chew their food.

As they cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher together, Meredith asked, "Derek, I just have to ask, do you want to talk about it?" She knew she didn't have to clarify the topic.

"I rather not," he muttered. "It's bad enough that I have to go through with it."

"Derek . . ." she started. "Are you too close to this? Can you do the surgery?"

"It's Mark's best shot," he said. "No other surgeon will attempt it."

Meredith nodded knowing it was true. When the last dish was put in the dishwasher, they wandered into the family room. They sat on the couch, side-by-side but not cuddled together like they usually sat. Meredith turned on the TV to the nightly news.

After staring blankly at the screen for a few minutes, Derek announced, "I'm going to bed."

Meredith glanced at her watch. It was only ten after eight, and she knew neither of them would be sleeping much that night. She followed him up the stairs, deciding that she was doing more lying beside him.

Derek was lying on the bed when she got upstairs, still fully clothed. Without speaking to him, she picked the sweatpants and shirt she had been sleeping in recently up off the floor where she had stepped out of them that morning, and went into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

Coming back into the room, she lay down beside him on top of the covers, and snuggled up against him.

"What can I do, Derek?" she asked quietly.

He traced a finger down her cheek. "Nothing, Meri. I'm fine."

"You are not fine," she contradicted. "I just don't want you like this."

"I'll be fine when it's over," he mumbled.

She was silent as she contemplated the possibility that she was sure he had thought of, though she was certain he hadn't truly considered the possibly. If Mark didn't make, Derek would be worse. And it seemed there was nothing she could do to help him. She felt helpless.

Suddenly, an idea struck her, and she rolled on top of him and started unbuttoning his shirt.

"Let me distract you," she breathed, before kissing him deeply.

Derek groaned in response, and flipped them over to return the kiss. His hands slipped up under her shirt, and his fingers quickly brought her nipples to hard, aching peaks.

"Derek," she moaned breathlessly, roughly pulling his shirt over his shoulders.

He left her line of sight as he broke the kiss and pulled her shirt over her head. Her legs wrapped around his waist as her hands went to work on his belt. She frowned when she didn't feel him straining against his pants, and she felt that he was still limp when her hands slipped into his boxers.

"This distraction isn't going to work," Derek murmured suddenly, pulled her hands out, and pushing her away.

"Derek," she groaned. "We've barely started."

He pushed her away again when she tried to roll back to entwine her legs with his. "I can't, Meredith. I'm too stressed."

"But, Derek . . ." She was torn between wanting to just let it go, and pushing him so that she could do something to help.

He made the decision for her with a firm, "No, Meredith," and handed her shirt back to her.

She bit her lip and stared at the shirt in her hands for a minute. "We haven't in forever, Derek."

"Later," he said gently. "After the surgery, it will all be back to normal. I promise."

She had to stop herself from telling him he couldn't keep that promise.

"Come on," Derek told her, running his hands over her breasts before taking the shirt from her hands and putting it over her head. "It's not you, Meri. You are the most gorgeous woman."

Tears pricked her eyes at his rejection. They hadn't made love in over a week, and he had just pushed her away without even trying. She was confident that they would have been successful with just a few more minutes of foreplay. Rolling away from him further, she crawled under the covers and faced away from him.

"Meredith." Derek gently ran a hand up and down her back. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I just want to do something to help," she explained, still facing away from him.

"You help by just being here." He rubbed her shoulder before climbing out of the bed to change out of his clothes.

A few minutes later, Meredith felt Derek roll into bed behind her, and wrap his arms around her. He took the deep breaths that he liked to take when he was 'breathing her in.'

"I love you, Derek," she whispered, turning to kiss him softly.

"And I love you. More than anything."

"And you're okay?" she confirmed.

"I'm okay."


	6. Chapter 6

The silence from the night before was reflected in the ride to work the next morning. Meredith chewed on her lip nervously, and Derek's fingers turned white as he gripped the steering wheel.

"Am I still scrubbing in?" Meredith asked quietly as they pulled up to the hospital.

"I couldn't do it without you," Derek replied, leaning over to kiss her before getting out of the car.

Meredith hopped out of the car and slung her bag over her shoulder. Derek came up next to her and gripped her hand tightly as they walked through the doors and into the crowded elevator.

"I'll prep him," Meredith informed Derek as they parted on the surgical floor.

"See you in the OR."

It surprised her when Derek grabbed her upper arms and pulled her in for a long kiss before they headed off to separate locker rooms.

"Good morning, Mark," Meredith said as brightly as she could when she entered his room a few minutes after six. "Ready for the big surgery?"

He stretched his arms above his head. "I'm always ready, babe."

Giggling, Meredith approached to prep him.

"You are so sexy," Mark observed as she leaned over him.

"Mark!" Meredith reprimanded. "I'm your doctor."

"Doesn't change the facts." He gave her a wink.

She rolled her eyes. "What am I going to do with you?"

Mark suddenly grew serious. "Hopefully help save my life. But, Meredith, if he can't don't let him blame himself. I know he'll do everything he can."

"Don't worry, Mark." Meredith took his hands in hers. "I'll take care of him. But Mark, you have to believe you'll be fine."

"Oh, I do. Mark Sloan is invincible."

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

"What do you see, Dr. Shepard?" Derek asked grimly once Mark's brain was exposed.

Meredith's face fell at what she saw. "The arteries around the tumor are sucking his blood. You'll have to be carefully not to nick one or he'll bleed out."

"Still think this was his best shot?" Derek whispered.

"Yes," she replied as confidently as she could, knowing the surgery had gotten much more complicated than either one of them could have anticipated, and that Derek would need all the confidence he could get.

Derek shook his head, and went to work on getting around the arteries. "Suction, Dr. Shepard. I need this area completely clear."

They stood shoulder to shoulder as Derek carefully manipulated his way around the arteries. It was hours before the tumor was exposed.

"Long surgery," Derek observed, in a voice that would have sounded causal to someone who didn't know him as well as Meredith. She detected the slight tremor in his voice that revealed how truly scared he was.

"Scalpel," he requested, and Meredith was proud of how steady his voice was.

"Watch the artery in the left field," Meredith said in a low voice as he began to cut the tumor.

"I see what you mean," he noted when he got to that area. The scalpel came within millimeters of the fragile artery, but he managed to cut the tumor without doing damage. "We're almost in the clear," he announced after that cut.

Derek moved the scalpel towards the front edge of the tumor. He had been blocking out whose brain this was with the practiced distance of an experience surgeon, but now that he was almost done, he began to realize whose brain this was.

This was Mark. His man-whore best friend. His brother. The one who had joked about sleeping with Meredith only hours ago, though Derek knew Mark would never do that again. The man who had stood beside him through his father's death, pulled all-nighters with him throughout med school, and catalyzed the end of his first marriage. Who had indirectly brought Derek to the best thing that had ever happen to him – Meredith.

He heard her melodic voice softly speaking his name. Of course she would notice that his concentration was drifting. She knew him well enough to notice everything, and it made him love her all the more.

His attention focused once again on the open brain before him, but now the distance was gone. He wasn't looking at a medical problem; he was looking at the very essence of his brother. Derek closed his eyes, and tried to bring back that distance he had so carefully been constructing over the past week, as he had shut out Mark, even shut out Meredith.

He almost had it, and he opened his eyes, and moved his scalpel to cut once again.

But almost is never enough, and Derek's hand trembled slightly, hardly noticeable, but enough to cut the edge of an artery, and flood the field with blood.

Feeling outside his body, Derek withdrew his hand form the brain, and dropped the bloody scalpel on the tray. He could hear the machines beeping frantically, he could see Meredith frantically suctioning, and could feel the eyes of everyone else on him, wondering what had gone wrong and why he wasn't doing anything.

His awareness came back to him when he heard the all too familiar sound of a flat line. His brother didn't have a heartbeat.

Derek knocked over a tray of instruments as he pushed his way to Mark's chest, and grabbed the paddles from a crash cart.

"Get him blood!" he ordered, before running the shocking of Mark's heart.

The blood couldn't make a difference at that point, and everyone in the OR knew this, but they followed the Chief's orders, and worked on Mark to the point where Derek himself was giving chest compressions. He couldn't concentrate on anything but bringing Mark back, until he felt a gentle pressure on his arm.

"Derek, it's been half an hour, you have to call it," Meredith whispered, her voice catching.

It was as if they were the only people in the OR as Derek looked at her face desperately, wondering why the woman who always made everything better was telling him that. She had tears running down her face, into her mask, and he saw in her eyes that she knew they were powerless to do anything. Powerless surgeons, the worst oxymoron Derek had ever heard.

"Time of death, 3:32," Derek muttered, before shoving his way into the scrub room.

"Derek!" Meredith called, pushing past the full OR and tearing off her gloves and gown so she could get into the scrub room. "Derek," she said more softly when she saw him, leaning over the sink, looking as though he would fall over with the slightest nudge.

She approached him, and washed her hands as quickly as possible, before drying them, and touching his shoulder gently. "Derek," she repeated. "This is not your fault."

She wrapped her arms around him, and pressed herself as close to his body as she could get. His arms wrapped around her automatically, and he squeezed her body almost too tightly, before suddenly pushing her away, making her fight for her balance.

"This is my fault, Meredith," he growled. "Did you see my hand? Did you?" He gripped her shoulders tightly, making her flinch, shaking her slightly when she didn't answer. "Did you, Meredith?"

"Yes," she whispered, honestly a little scared. In his right mind, he would never hurt her, but she knew at that moment he wasn't in his right mind.

"I did this," he moaned.

"No, Derek." Meredith started to cry again. She couldn't stand to see him do this to himself. "You didn't."

"I did." He shoved her away from himself almost violently, and she had to catch herself against the opposite wall.

"Derek," she whimpered, wishing she weren't so powerless to help him.

Burke suddenly opened the door to the scrub room. "I heard, are you okay, Shep?"

"Did you hear that it was my fucking hand that did this?" Derek shouted, and it looked for a moment that he was going to hit Burke. Instead Derek shoved past him into the hallway. "I'm going to Joe's."

Meredith rubbed her hands over her face in an effort to wipe away the tears that wouldn't stop falling.

"Meredith." Burke gave her a friendly hug. "He'll be okay."

"Burke, I don't know if he will." She looked up at him with teary eyes. "His hand. He was almost done, but then he realized, and his hand shook. He won't forgive himself for that. He won't."

"Meredith, he will be fine," Burke promised. "I'm off now, and I'll go with him to Joe's and make sure he's alright. What time are you off?"

"Six," she sighed.

"Okay, meet us there then unless I call."

She nodded through her tears.

"I'll take care of him, Meredith. It will be fine."

"It won't." Meredith spoke so softly he couldn't hear her words.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, it's nothing," she lied.

"Alright. Take care."

Burke left, and Meredith stayed, leaning heavily against the wall. "It won't be," she whispered again to herself. She had a feeling, and when she got those, she was rarely wrong.


	7. Chapter 7

**Warning: This chapter contains a slightly graphic rape scene. **

Meredith walked to the dimmed bar at ten after six. She had never changed and made it to Joe's that fast, but her concern for Derek had her practically running to get there. It was still too early for the bar to be crowded, so quickly she found her husband slumped over the bar.

"Derek," she said softly, laying her hand on his shoulder.

"Don't touch me!" He seemed to spring to life as he sat up to brush her hand off, but just as quickly he looked dead again, and resumed his former pose.

"He's had a lot to drink," Burke said from where he sat beside Derek, nursing a beer.

Meredith bit her lip and nodded, her concern only growing. Derek tended to be an angry drunk, which is why he didn't let himself drink excessively too often. Tonight, understandably, it seemed that he did not care, and the empty scotch glasses in front of him revealed the truth in Burke's statement.

"I'm going to take him home," Meredith finally decided.

"I'll go with you," Burke quickly offered.

Meredith shook her head. "We'll be fine." She touched Derek's shoulder again. "Derek, let's go home," she said as gently as she could, trying to get him to stand up.

"Don't be nice to me," he growled, shoving her lightly and refusing to cooperate.

"Meredith, you don't have to do this alone." Burke had only concern for his wife's best friend, and the situation she was currently in.

Meredith had found an outlet for her frustrations and worry. "He's my husband! I've got this! Just help me get him to the car," she ordered in a way that showed she was not to be contradicted.

Burke felt he had no choice but to consent, and he suffered a fist to the eye as he helped Meredith half-drag Derek to the car. They finally got him to the car, and he slumped down again. It broke Meredith's heart to see her strong husband, a world-class neurosurgeon and the Chief of Surgery at a prestigious hospital, so broken.

"Meredith, I just don't feel good about sending you home alone with him," Burke said once she had shut the passenger door.

"I said I can handle it," she growled. Her husband was broken and she had to prove that she could fix him. She was the one who had told him time and again that he could do this. He hadn't been able to, and now she was the one who had to fix him.

"Okay," Burke finally agreed reluctantly. "Please call if you need anything. Anything at all."

Meredith gave him a weak smile. "I can do this. Thank you, though."

Burke returned the smile, and gave her a brief hug. "You're a strong woman, Meredith. And he's going to be okay."

She nodded through the tears that were blurring her vision, and climbed into her Jeep with her broken husband, praying that somehow she would be able to fix him.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

"Derek, you need to eat," Meredith all but begged Derek that evening. He had fallen into a drunken sleep on the way home, and she had had little trouble getting him into the house and onto the couch when he had been half asleep. Now he was awake, still drunk, and refusing to do anything remotely human - that is eating, sleeping, or talking.

Meredith wasn't overly surprised when he refused to answer her, but she decided that she would remove the choice and went into the kitchen to make him a sandwich and get him a glass of water.

"Here, Derek." She brought the food to him and set the glass and plate down on an end table near where he was sitting, and sat down beside him, her hand on his leg.

"Dammit, Meredith!" he shouted, the first words he had said since the bar. "I said no!"

She unconsciously flinched as he stood up, and suddenly, he threw the plate at her, and she didn't have time to react before it hit her hard on the chin. She was quick enough to dodge the water glass, and when he saw it land harmlessly on the couch, and picked it up and threw it at the wall where it shattered into a million pieces.

"Fuck this!" he exclaimed, grabbing the plate from her lap, and he drew his arm back to slam that to the wall also.

Meredith was faster though, and she grabbed his arm before he could throw the plate. "No, Derek," she said firmly. "You have no excuse to act like this. I can imagine how you are feeling and I know you're drunk, but you cannot do this."

He wrenched his arm from her grip, and dropped the plate to grab her by the upper arms in a manner that would surely leave bruises. "Fuck you, Meredith!" he screamed. "You have no idea how I am feeling! No idea!" He flung her down onto the couch.

Meredith felt her hand shaking as she reached into her pocket for her cell phone. She should have listened to Burke. Derek was in no way fine, and clearly wasn't anywhere near his right mine. For the first time since she had known him, Meredith was truly scared of Derek Shepard. This man who had taken over his body wasn't the man she loved, the one who wiped away her tears, who listened to her secrets, who made love to her like she was the most precious thing in the world. This wasn't him, and she was scared of this Derek.

The phone finally out, she stood on shaky legs to go to the other room to call the Burkes. But she was shoved none to gently back down and the phone was ripped out of her hands, and snapped in two like a twig. Meredith's eyes widened at the strength in Derek's hands, something she had always seen as a positive trait. Now she was not so sure.

Derek growled deep in his throat as he looked down at the woman who just wouldn't leave him alone. And she had wanted to call someone else to come bother him, to look at him with pity. He didn't deserve anyone's pity. And he didn't want anyone else in his house.

His house. This was a place where he should have control, the control he had lost in that key moment in his OR. He had lost the control he should have there, and he would be damned if he let Meredith take away his control in his own home.

"Take off your shirt," he finally ordered, focusing his full attention on Meredith who was sitting on the couch. She was crying again, and there was pity in her eyes. That he couldn't take.

"What?" Meredith stuttered. "Why?"

"Why?" he mocked. "Why do you think?"

"Derek, no," she protested. "Not when you're like this. You're not thinking clearly."

"I told you to stop telling me what I'm thinking!" he shouted, pulling her up from the couch by her arm. "And I won't take no for an answer!" He grabbed the front of her shirt, and ripped it opened.

"Stop it, Derek!" she shrieked, hitting his chest repeatedly with her fists.

This was something he could control, and he grabbed her arms, and flung her down on their wide couch before straddling her. She'd like it enough when they started, he justified, and he took great satisfaction in the way she fought against him. It would make it so much better.

Meredith twisted wildly underneath him, trying to understand why this was happening. Her husband didn't treat her like this. Ever. But here he was, on top of her, literally ripping the clothes off her body. There was no doubt in her mind what his intensions were and she knew he wouldn't stop until he had accomplished what he wanted.

In a last ditch effort to free herself, Meredith pounded her fist at his swollen groin, but the angle was wrong, and all she did was earn herself a backhanded slap to her cheek, and having her hands twisted above her head as he ripped off her panties.

_This is really happening, _she realized, and with that realization all the fight left her. He was too strong and all the screaming in the world wouldn't bring her help when they lived in the middle of no where.

She was almost completely dry when he entered her, and she let out a gasp at the sharp pain. It didn't go away and she swore she heard tearing skin.

He pounded into her, in and out, in and out. Meredith let herself go completely limp, and tried to distract herself from the physical and emotion pain he was putting her through.

In. Out. In. Out.

Meredith felt a sharp stab of pain with each of his movements, and she felt her head flop back and forth with each thrust. Her body was finally creating some fluids to lubricate her pathway, but the pain didn't leave. Meredith concentrated on that pain so she wouldn't have to think about what was happening. Because what was happening just couldn't be happening. To accept it, she would have to entirely shift her view of her husband into something much less ideal, and she wasn't willing to do that yet.

Finally, he finished, and Meredith nearly cried in relief when he grunted and pulled out of her. She couldn't move because Derek still had her hands twisted above her head in a vice-like grip, and now his body collapsed on top of her.

"Good," he slurred, releasing her hands, and touching her face almost gently. "It was good." He kissed her lips softly, and collapsed on top of her.

Meredith remained absolutely frozen until she could be certain he was asleep. It was good? Had he even realized what he had done? Meredith doubted it, knowing his distress and the alcohol had clouded his judgment.

But that still didn't excuse her behavior, and Meredith lay there feeling more violated than she ever had in her life, until Derek's breathing finally indicated he was asleep. She carefully moved out from underneath him, wincing in pain as she moved her body. Her vision was blurry when she stood, from the tears that filled her eyes yet refused to fall.

She howled in pain, but still did not cry when her bare feet landed on the broken glass. The tears did not come even when the shock caused her to lose her balance and fall on her hands and knees, the tiny shards piercing the soft skin. Half-blind and completely numb to any sensation, she stumbled up the stairs. She had to get clean.

Somehow, she made it to the master bathroom, and managed to climb into the tub. But she had no energy to turn on the water, and when she was no longer moving, all she could feel was shock and fear. She curled into a fetal position in the bottom of the empty tub, and finally the tears came.

As she cried, the only thing she could think was _what the hell just happened?_

**I feel like I should say some stuff about this chapter, but ummm, I don't really know. Derek obviously was not Derek in this chapter, he was guilty, sad, distressed, stressed, drunk. And none of those things are excuses for what he did. I guess you'll just have to keep reading and find out where this brings them. If anyone will trust me at all after this.**

**I'm very interested in what you guys think, so review.**

**Updates on my other stories sometime this weekend.**


	8. Chapter 8

Capital punishment eliminates all hope for rehabilitation or remorse and the opportunity to atone. Moreover, _it postulates that it is possible to reduce a man's life to a single act he has committed. Do we know the inner workings of the soul so well that we can predict with absolute certitude which one of us can change and which cannot? Is this not more a matter of faith than rational knowledge?_

From End to Capital Punishment Movement, "Arguments against the death penalty"

**I found this quote when I was researching for a school paper and it is totally perfect for this fic. To spell out how it relates, the act Derek has committed is the rape, and the question then becomes, is that who Derek is? Because of this one act, is Derek a monster? Rational thought would probably say yes. He did a terrible thing, and there's no reason why it wouldn't happen again because that's what usually happens. But faith would say Derek is a good person who did a terrible thing and he can learn from that and move on.**

**So that's what this story is really about; exploring the characters of Derek, Meredith, Burke, Cristina, and others less so and examining rather they have faith or fall back to rational thought.**

**And just for the record, in real life, I am all for rational thought. I don't think a woman should ever stay with a man who abuses her in any way at any time. But this is ficland, where Finn can be a crazy stalker, Addison becomes Satan in human form, Meredith can be a suicidal cutter, and Derek can do terrible things (and I promise, none of the others things are going to happen in this fic, they were just examples of other situations I have read).**

**Okay, those of you who are still on board, let's get on with the story.**

It was dark outside when Derek woke up, and he was disoriented enough that it took him a while to realize where he was. For a blissful moment, all he felt was a pounding headache, but too soon memories of the surgery came flooding back. Derek just laid there for a moment; half hoping he could just die so he wouldn't have to deal with the fact that he had killed his best-friend and his brother.

Glancing at the watch on his wrist he saw that it was three thirty am. His stomach growled, and his head pounded. _Drinking on an empty stomach, not a good idea._ When he moved to get off of the couch, he realized that his pants were down around his ankles. Frowning, he pulled them up, and as his eyes adjusted to the light he saw Meredith's clothing scattered across the floor.

Rubbing his forehead, he tried to remember what had happened. It looked as though they had had sex, and sex with Meredith was usually pretty unforgettable. As he thought back, though, he realized the last thing he could remember was asking Joe for scotch. Questions flooded his mind. How had he gotten home? Why were his clothes mostly on? Where was Meredith?

The empty feeling in the pit of his stomach came back, and he needed something to distract himself from the memories. Find Meredith, he finally decided. Maybe holding her would make things better; it usually did.

He felt his feet crunched across what he discovered to be broken glass, and he had yet another question to add to his list. _I am never drinking that much again. _He didn't think he ever had, and obviously it was having a severe impact on his memory.

There was light coming from the top of the staircase, and following it brought Derek to the master bedroom.

"Meredith?" he called, looking around the room, and finally stepping through the opened door to the bathroom.

"Meredith," he whispered, seeing her curled up naked in the bathtub. All thoughts of Mark left him as he knelt beside the tub, and touched her shoulder. "Meri, what's wrong?"

She flinched violently, and edged away from him to the opposite end of the tub, where she sat up, and pulled her legs tightly in front of her body. That's when Derek saw the blood in the bottom of the tub, and the sick feeling in his stomach came back. Again he knew it was not from the alcohol.

"You're bleeding," he gasped. "And your knees. Is that glass? Meri, tell me what happened." He climbed into the tub so he could examine her more carefully.

"No!" she shouted suddenly, holding her hand out when he got close. The palm was bloody and shinning with tiny shards of glass. "Get away!"

"Meredith." He reluctantly followed her command, and drew back to the other side. "Please tell me what happened, Meri."

She looked up at him with haunted eyes. "If I get drunk will I forget too? Because I would like to forget." Her voice was hoarse and crackly.

"Forget what?" Derek was truly scared now, and he leaned forward towards her. "Meredith, you have to tell me what's going on."

She laughed, though there was absolutely no humor in it. Looking up at him with eyes that lacked life, she said quite calmly, "You raped me, Derek."

Derek jerked backwards and away from her. "What?" he gasped. "No, no, that is not possible," he denied. "I would never hurt you, Meredith."

"Explain this then." She lifted her head fully from her knees, and he saw her chin was bruised and swollen. "And these." Her upper arms were tattooed with small round bruises. "This." She reached between her legs and brought up fingers shinning with blood.

"No, no." Derek stumbled out of the tub, and barely made it to the toilet before emptying all the bile from his stomach. "No," he whispered, he head still hanging over the toilet. There had to be some mistake. There was no way he had done that to his Meredith. Absolutely no way.

He lifted his head and wiped his mouth. Meredith. She was hurt; she had to go to the hospital. This was something he could fix.

Derek turned back around to the tub. "Meredith, I'm sorry. I am so sorry. You have to go to the hospital. The glass. The bleeding. Meri, please."

She wouldn't let him near her, and Derek was not willing to touch her when she protested against it. When he was sober and not experiencing raw pain he was a rational man.

"I won't touch you, but, Meri, please let me take you in."

"Don't say my name," she demanded, standing up in the tub for only a moment, only to gasp loudly and collapse so suddenly that Derek barely caught her.

"Meredith," he whispered, the fainting causing him even more concern. He quickly lifted her fully into his arms, and stepped out of the bathroom so he could lay her gently on their bed.

When he started to slip on her sweatpants, he identified the reason for her fainting. Like her hands, her feet were pieced with shards of glass that had firmly imbedded themselves in her feet. He shuddered to think of what it would feel to take them out.

_Probably less pain than what I apparently put her through. _He banished the thought from his mind as quickly as it had come. It was so hard to imagine ever laying a hand on Meredith that it was easy for him to tell himself that it had not happened. But then he remembered shaking her in the scrub room out of his own despair and the vast amounts of alcohol he had consumed, making it almost possible for him to believe.

Meredith was as limp as a rag doll as he dressed her, and she flopped when he lifted her back into his arms. Derek hugged her close, and kissed her forehead, wondering how a woman as strong as his wife could appear so helpless.

As quickly as he could, Derek walked out to the garage with Meredith in his arms, and settled her into the front seat of his SUV. He readjusted her arms so he could buckle her in, and settled her head comfortably against the seat, concerned that she hadn't come to yet. Pain shouldn't have knocked her out for this long.

Derek sped through the dark streets of Seattle, thankful that there were next to no traffic at this time. Along the way, Meredith regained consciousness.

"I said no hospital," she hissed.

"Meredith." His voice dripped with relief that she was awake again. "Please."

"Don't tell me please. Why should I do anything for you?" she snapped.

"Do it for yourself," Derek begged. "Meri, there are pieces of glass in your skin."

"Don't call me that!"

"I'm sorry," Derek whispered. He truly was. For so much.

Meredith tilted her body away from him, and stared out of the window until they got to the hospital, refusing to speak. Derek found a parking spot in the emergency parking lot, close to the door, yet still an impossible walk for someone who had glass in their feet.

"Should I get a wheelchair?" Derek asked quietly.

Meredith was silent for a long time, clearly considering her options. "Fine," she finally replied tersely.

"I'll be right back."

It was no surprise when she didn't respond, and Derek got out of the car and sprinted into the ER.

"Who's in tonight for surgery?" he panted to one of the bored looking night nurses.

She gave him a confused frown. "Why do you need that information?"

"I'm the Chief of Surgery!" he exclaimed. "Just tell me," he asked more quietly.

The nurse rolled her eyes and looked through a document. "Surgery . . . Let's see, we've got Hill, Tolgen, Bailey, and Young."

"Bailey! Page Bailey 911," Derek ordered before running to the entrance for a wheelchair.

Derek got back out to the car, and opened the passenger door for Meredith. She gave him a dirty look, but then just sat there, refusing to meet his eyes.

After a moment of silence, Derek asked, "can I help you into the chair?"

There was another silence another Meredith finally nodded her head just a fraction of an inch. Derek gently reached into the car and lifted her carefully from the car to the wheelchair, trying not to be too hurt when she flinched away from his touch. Once she was settled, he wheeled her into the hospital, where Bailey was already waiting for them in an exam room.

"Shepherd! And the other Shepherd! What's going on?" Bailey exclaimed.

When Meredith didn't answer, Derek explained, "She's has glass imbedded in her hands and feet." His voice chocked up for a moment, but Meredith still remained silent. Somehow detailing the injuries had become part of his punishment and part of making this completely real. "Glass in her knees, bruising, and vaginal bleeding."

"My god, Meredith. What the hell happened?" Bailey gasped.

Meredith looked up at Derek with a dark expression.

Swallowing any once of denial he still had, Derek admitted, "I happened . . . I did this."

Bailey's eyes narrowed and her expression changed to match the angry one on Meredith's face. Her voice left no room for argument when she said, "then you better damn well get out of this room, Shepherd."

**Please review. I am completely opened to constructive criticism or just plain criticism but please avoid bashing and personal attacks. Thank you.**


	9. Chapter 9

Capital punishment eliminates all hope for rehabilitation or remorse and the opportunity to atone. Moreover, _it postulates that it is possible to reduce a man's life to a single act he has committed. Do we know the inner workings of the soul so well that we can predict with absolute certitude which one of us can change and which cannot? Is this not more a matter of faith than rational knowledge?_

From End to Capital Punishment Movement, "Arguments against the death penalty"

"Meredith!" Cristina ran right past where Derek was sitting on the floor and into the exam room where Bailey was carefully pulling glass from her hands. "Meredith, what happened?"

"Cristina," Meredith started to cry when her best friend finally came into the room. Meredith had had her paged immediately, but since Cristina had been at home, she hadn't come for an hour.

Cristina froze when Meredith started to cry. She was never sure what to do in those situations. "Mer, I'm sorry it took me so long. I would have come sooner if I had known it was you. What happened?" She gently touched Meredith's shoulder.

Shaking her head, Meredith's didn't respond. It was one thing to tell Derek, but to start informing third parties about the situation was another thing altogether.

"Bailey?" Cristina asked. "What happened?"

"Doctor-patient confidentially, Yang," Bailey said regretfully as she finished bandaging Meredith's second hand. "Okay, Meredith, honey, that's it. Are there any other injuries?"

Meredith shook her head again, still crying. "Thank you."

"Of course. And I'm here for you, Meredith," Bailey said gently, her soft side shinning through as she rubbed Meredith's arm, and left the room. "I'll be back in a while and then you'll be free to go."

As soon as Bailey stepped outside the room, Derek leapt to his feet. "Bailey, please tell me she'll be okay."

Bailey shot him the darkest glare he had ever seen on her face. "I can't tell you that. I can't tell you that because that girl is never going to be okay! Never!"

Derek felt a sinking pain in his chest. "What did I do to her?"

"What did you do to her?" Bailey nearly shouted. "You better damn well know what you did to her! She had bruises everywhere, glass sticking out of her, and a vaginal tear. Those things shouldn't happen to a healthy woman," Bailey voice had lowered to a hiss as she described Meredith's injuries. "So damn you for asking me what you did."

"Just tell me she'll recover," Derek begged quietly.

"She's not going to recover!" Bailey whispered intensely. "You ruined her forever. She's never going to be the same." Bailey looked into Derek's despaired eyes. "Physically, she'll be fine. But, Derek, emotionally, this will destroy her."

Bailey gave him a look of what could almost be called pity before she hurried away with Meredith's chart.

Inside the room, Meredith was still refusing to talk to Cristina, despite her persistent questions.

"Meredith, please, I'm your person," Cristina implored.

Meredith still refused to speak; instead she was focusing intently on a little string coming off the bandage on one of her hands.

"Fine, if you won't talk to me, I'm going to find Derek," Cristina declared, before suddenly frowning. "Where is he? Why isn't he here?"

"No!" Meredith finally cried. "Don't get Derek!"

"Meredith, why don't you want Derek? You always want Derek," Cristina murmured, confused. "What happened?"

"I . . . he . . . r – rape," Meredith finally blurted the word out.

"Rape! What?" Cristina exclaimed. "Someone raped you? I'm going to kill them." Her voice suddenly became uncharacteristically gentle. "Mer, Derek won't be mad. He loves you so much. I know he'd want to be here."

Meredith's head moved back and forth. "No, Cris, Derek. Derek did it."

"What? No!" Cristina's voice was filled with denial. "He would never . . ."

"I though that too," Meredith whispered, her voice cracking.

Cristina turned to look at her friend. "You're going to be fine, Mer. You will get through this." Then her tone turned to one of pure malice. "But I am going to kill him." With that, Cristina got up off the bed and stomped into the hallway, firming shutting the door to Meredith's room before turning on the dispirited man slumped in the hallway.

"Fucking bastard," she hissed. "You are a god damn fucking bastard. Why the hell did you do that to her? Why in hell?"

Derek looked up at her with sad eyes. "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry doesn't make this better, bastard. You demolished everything she's accomplished! She finally trusted you. Completely! And that's gone."

"I didn't mean to," Derek whispered.

"You didn't . . ." Cristina nearly growled in anger, before she suddenly kicked him in the side violently. "Bastard!" she shrieked. "She is ruined! Because of you! Ruined! Fuck you!" She kicked him again.

"Cristina!" Burke exclaimed, suddenly running over to them and taking her into his arms. "Stop, stop. What's going on?"

"This bastard fucking raped Meredith is what's going on," Cristina snarled, breaking away from Burke to kick Derek again.

Burke froze in shock for a moment, before he grabbed Cristina once again. "Stop! Cristina, stop!"

"No, he ruined my person. He hurt her so badly."

"Cristina," Burke started rather calmly. "If you want someone to kick, kick me. This is as much my fault as his. Now stop, and go sit with Meredith. I'm sure she needs you."

"Why is this . . ." Cristina started to ask.

Burke cut her off gently. "Later. Now go."

Before walking into Meredith's room, Cristina crouched down in front of Derek. "This _is _your fault. And I will do everything in my power to make sure that you never get your slimy hands on Meredith _Grey_ again," she whispered with hatred.

Burke slide the down the wall to sit down next to Derek. He let his head fall forward to his knees as guilt for the event overwhelmed him.

"I didn't mean to," Derek whispered after a minute. "I don't even remember. But I would never to that to her intentionally. I wouldn't. I love her too much to ever hurt her."

"I know," Burke whispered back. "This is my fault too. I saw that you weren't yourself. And I let her go home alone with you. I had a feeling. But I ignored it, and I let her go. I'm so sorry."

Tears ran down Derek's cheeks as he cried unashamedly. "I'm never going to fix this," he realized aloud. "How could I ruin the best thing that's even happened to me?"

Burke rubbed Derek's shoulder gently, knowing that nothing he could say would make this better. And he somehow felt that he was more responsible for this than Derek.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

"So, we'll go to my place, and call up a good lawyer, okay," Cristina told Meredith.

"No, Cris," Meredith said quietly. "I'm not pressing charges. And the divorce thing can wait."

"Meredith!" Cristina exclaimed. "You cannot let him get away with this!"

"Just give me time. But I'm not putting him in jail. That won't change," Meredith said rather forcefully.

"But . . ."

"No. I can't talk about this right now."

Before the silence forced Cristina from the room, Bailey walked in with the discharge papers.

"Okay, Meredith, it's down as accidental. Sign here and you'll be good to go," Bailey reported briskly.

"Thank you," Meredith whispered. It had taken a lot to convince Bailey that it would be better for her not to press charges. Divorce was another consideration all together, but she wasn't willing to put Derek in jail. His life was bad enough as it was.

"Dr. Bailey," Cristina began. "I think it's would be better to put the bastard where he belongs."

Bailey glanced away from Meredith to look at her. "I think everyone has enough to process as it is. And the forms can be changed."

"They won't be," Meredith whispered, handing Bailey the signed papers.

"Okay, then, thank you. Do you have somewhere to go?"

Cristina cut in. "I'm taking her with me."

"Good." Bailey turned to Meredith. "Please tell me if there's ever anything I can do for you."

Meredith nodded. "Can you send Derek in?" Her voice was hardly a whisper.

"Meredith!" Cristina cried. "You can't see him."

"Just for a minute," Meredith insisted. "Dr. Bailey, please."

"I'll send him in."

Bailey left the room, and just a moment later the door was pushed open by Derek. He hung in the doorway, acting almost afraid to fully enter to the room.

"Meri," he whispered. "Meri, I'm sorry."

Meredith shook her head back and forth. "I don't want to hear it."

"What can I do then, Meri?" He took a step closer to the bed.

"You can stop calling me that. I want time off work," she demanded.

Derek nodded, coming closer still. "Of course. What else?"

"Don't talk to me," Meredith continued. "Don't look at me. Don't corner me in the elevator." Her voice grew stronger as she continued. "I want my badge changed to Dr. Grey, and that's what I will be referred to as in this hospital." Suddenly her voice got very quiet. "And I want to give you this." She slipped her wedding ring from her finger, and held it out to him.

With a painful gasp, Derek closed his eyes, before taking the final step towards her, and holding his hand out for the ring. The metal was cold when it was dropped into his hand, and his closed his fingers around in tightly until the diamond dug painfully into his palm.

Their eyes locked, and a lone tear trickled down Derek's face, while Meredith's was stony and dry. After a moment, Derek broke the gaze. Looking down at her ring-less finger, he whispered, "I love you forever, Meri," before turning and nearly running out of the room before he broke down.

Meredith swallowed down her tears, and turned to Cristina. "Please get me out of here," she whispered.

Cristina nodded, and left the room to get a wheelchair. When she got back, Meredith was sobbing uncontrollably, and Cristina knew that the one person who could help had just been cut out of Meredith's life.

**Well, that was depressing, wasn't it? I don't really have much to say about this, but now we have the initial reactions of all major characters. More fun to come.**

**Please review. Tell me what you think about this one. What should everyone do? (Actually the plot is pretty much decided upon, but I suppose change is always a possibility)**


	10. Chapter 10

Derek couldn't stop the tears that poured down his face when he left Meredith's room. Her ring still dug into his palm, a painful reminder of what he had just lost. How could he have done that to her? How? Derek just couldn't wrap his mind around it.

And then there was Mark. Derek had killed him. Literally killed him. Despite the fact that the situation with Meredith was foremost on his mind, the fact that his best friend was dead by his hand didn't go away.

"Derek," Burke called as Derek stormed past him.

Derek stopped and turned to look at him. "I've ruined everything," he whispered in a haunted voice. "Everything that I love is gone. I don't even know what I've doing anymore. I've become a monster who kills my brother and rapes my wife."

"No, Derek," Burke assured him. "That isn't how you can look at this. You made a mistake in surgery which happens. You took your anger out on someone else, that happens too."

His head shook back and forth, a tear flying from his face in a shinning path. "This is all my fault. I can't live with myself."

"You're going to have to, Derek," Burke said in a soothing voice. "It will get better. And, Derek, she's going to need you. Not now, but one day, she's going to need you and you have to be there for her. You have to keep going."

Derek dropped his head and looked at his feet. "I know that I have to. I just don't know how." He raised his head to look up at Burke. "Take care of her for me."

He was gone before he could hear the words, "of course" slip through Burke's lips.

Burke watched Derek hastily leave the building. Even from behind he could see that it was a broken man he was watching. Shaking his head in grief, Burke turned to walk into Meredith's room to make good to his promise to Derek. Taking care of Meredith seemed the least he could do. This situation was his fault too.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

Like Derek, Meredith was crying when Cristina helped her out of the hospital and to her car. Meredith was still in shock about the situation, and all she could focus on was the pain in various places on her body and the fact that the ring that hadn't left in finger in almost four years was missing.

"Meredith," Cristina started when they were both in the car. "This will be okay. You'll be fine without him."

_Never. _Meredith couldn't help but think. _I'll never be fine without him._

Despite this, her response was a quite 'yes,' before she laid her head back and closed her eyes, feigning sleep so she wouldn't have to talk to Cristina.

"We're here," Cristina announced when she pulled into the parking lot of her apartment.

Meredith groaned and opened her eyes. "Okay."

Carefully, she opened the door, mindful of the pressure on her injured hand. Her entire body ached, making it painful to climb out of the car. She stumbled as she followed Cristina into the building to the elevators.

"Are you okay?" Cristina asked with uncharacteristic concern.

Meredith bit her lip, trying to hold back another wave of tears. "No, I'm not okay. I'm not going to be okay, so please don't ask me that question."

"Alright," Cristina agreed quietly, and they were silent as the elevator took them up to the three floor.

"I just want to sleep and forget about all of this," Meredith whispered as Cristina unlocked the door to the apartment.

Cristina nodded. "I have some clothes you can borrow to sleep in."

Meredith changed quickly, and collapsed onto Cristina's bed.

"How am I going to do this, Cris?" she asked quietly. "I don't know how to live without him."

Cristina gave Meredith a look of sympathy. "You did it before. Eventually, you'll be just fine without him."

Meredith bit her lip as more tears flooded her face. All she had been doing was crying, yet it didn't seem like something that would be stopping soon.

"Meredith, sleep for now. We'll talk about this later today."

Nodding, Meredith burrowed under Cristina's blankets. Even as Cristina left the room, and Meredith closed her eyes, she knew that she would not be sleeping anytime soon. She didn't know how to sleep without Derek. She didn't think she could live without him.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

Derek drove slowly up the driveway to their house. It wasn't his house, it wasn't Meredith's house. It truly was their house. He vividly remember sitting down with her multiple times to plan out every detail. Their house was positioned on their land so it overlooked the water, and the woods surrounding it gave a peaceful atmosphere. The dream house for them both.

After he pulled his car into the garage, he sat there for a moment, resting his head on the steering wheel, trying to get a grip on himself before he went inside.

Pulling himself together, Derek went into the mudroom through the garage, suddenly overwhelmed with the presence of Meredith. Her coats hung on little hooks, a sweatshirt of hers was shoved in a corner, her shoes were scattered across the floor, in positions that made it impossible to enter the house without tripping over them.

As he walked further into the house, Derek was coming to doubt that he would be able to stay here. Besides, she should get the house if she wanted it.

Derek found himself in the spacious, opened living room. Their wedding picture hung on the wall, and Derek found himself lost in Meredith's smiling face. She looked so happy, so carefree. How could he have ruined that forever? In just minutes, Derek had completely destroyed the person he loved most in the world. It wasn't something he could wrap his mind around.

An invisible force drew Derek towards the couch, perhaps by some internal urge to know for certain that he had in fact raped his wife. There was no denying it, Derek realized as he saw Meredith's clothes strewn across the room. In the light of day, this was clearly an area of some act of violence. Meredith's cell phone lay in two pieces on the floor, surrounded by shards of plastic. The shattered glass glinted in the sunlight, sending tiny rainbows sparkling around the room.

Lifting Meredith's shirt, he realized that it was torn down the middle, and it lay as a flat piece of soft fabric in his hands. Unable to stop himself, he lifted her jeans to see that they were ripped all the way down past the zipper. Her panties were in two pieces, and with all this evidence, Derek was beginning to realize without a doubt that, even if he didn't remember, he had done this to Meredith.

With a renewed sob, Derek collapsed in front of the couch, laying his head on the cushions. When his eyes opened, he saw the spot of blood on the cream colored couch, and he cried out in anguish. Unable to handle looking at the evidence of his act, Derek gathered Meredith's destroyed clothing and piled it on the couch. Adrenaline coursed through his veins as he pulled the heavy piece of furniture across the living room and out the front door to the end of the driveway.

Derek wiped sweat off his brow when he got there, and he walked back to the house, leaving the offending item where he wouldn't have to deal with it. He would call the garage company that afternoon to pick it up.

Trying to ignore all the reminders of the wife he had lost Derek walked through the house towards their bedroom. He stopped only once when his eyes caught sight of the picture of the two of them that dominated the wall on the landing of the stairs. It had been done professionally the year before, and Derek couldn't pull his eyes away from Meredith. She was sitting between his legs, leaning back against him slightly, smiling sweetly for the camera. He still couldn't comprehend that they wouldn't be sitting like that anytime soon, possibly never again. There was no way that he had lost her.

Derek went into his bedroom, closing his eyes against the smell of Meredith the seemed to overwhelm his senses. He walked blindly towards the bathroom, avoiding looking at all of her things that he knew where scattered throughout the room.

He gasped for air again when he enter the bathroom. He had forgotten the way she had laid so broken in the bathtub, and now that was all he could see. Dried blood clung to the tub, a blatant reminder that she had been there. This was a memory Derek could remember, and it was so painful he wished he couldn't. Maybe he should be grateful he couldn't remember anything else.

Another burst of adrenaline had Derek vigorously scrubbing the bottom of the tub until all remnants of blood had been washed down the drain. Without showering, Derek stumbled out of the bathroom, unable to remain near the memory of Meredith laying there.

He quickly left the bedroom when he realized that all he could see was Meredith limp on the bed as he had dressed her. Beyond that, her presence haunted the room, and he could see her in all corners, smiling at him in a way that Derek feared she never would again.

Derek crossed the hall to the guestroom, and closed the door of the barren room. This was a place that certainly held no memory. Derek braced his hands against the wall, and leaned his head against the cool wall. His eyes were drawn to the light blue paint.

"_You contemplated what color to paint the _guestroom_ five times longer than that."_

Closing his eyes made the memory even stronger, as Derek recalled Meredith's giggle when she had told him she wanted to have a baby. She had been so certain, and Derek had been thrilled that she had decided so fast.

_We were that happy only two weeks ago_, Derek realized, marveling over how fast his entire life had been turned upside down.

_It only takes a moment_. It had taken him a moment to lose his focus in Mark's surgery, hardly longer to rape his wife.

With another anguished cry, Derek fled the brightly colored room that mocked him with memory. Struggling to escape it all, he sought to find a place that wasn't filled with happy memories of his wife. Those were the ones that would drive him to insanity.

The whole house was filled with cheery memories. There was no where he could go. Derek wiped tears from his face, fighting to pull himself together as he went into the garage, opened the backdoor of his car, and laid down, hoping that sleep would provide him escape from his own mistakes.

**I don't really have much to say on this one. I hope it wasn't too boring. I'll update ASAP.**

**Review please, it will lead to a faster update. **


	11. Chapter 11

Burke finally got home the next evening after one of the more distracted days at work. After seeing Derek run out of the hospital in tears and Cristina escort the distraught Meredith from the hospital he had more than enough things to keep him from focusing entirely on his job. The door to the apartment was unlocked when he got to it; Cristina had a dangerous habit of forgetting to lock the door.

"Cristina," he called softly as he walked in the door.

"Hey." She walked out of the living room, dressed in her pajamas.

Burke shed his jacket and hung it carefully in the hall closet as he asked, "How is she?"

Cristina shook her head. "I don't know. She's been in bed all day, but I know she hasn't slept. I can't convince her to get up."

He wasn't surprised at the assessment. Meredith was probably more broken and angry than Derek, if that was possible. "Has she eaten?"

"Nope. She refuses."

Sighing in despair, Burke said, "Well, we'll have to keep pushing her. She has to take care of herself."

"It's not like she has a lot of motivation right now."

"Cristina," Burke sighed. "Don't . . ."

A terrible scream from their bedroom cut him off. He and Cristina glanced at each other quickly before sprinting into their room where Meredith was.

"Meredith!" Cristina exclaimed, upon seeing her friend thrashing in her scream.

"Stop! Stop!" Meredith cried, her head tossing back and forth.

Cristina stood frozen in the doorway as Burke approached the bed, and gently shook Meredith's shoulder to wake her up.

"Meredith," he soothed. "You're okay. Wake up, Meredith. It's okay."

Panic filled Meredith's eyes when they were first opened, but after a moment Burke saw it melt into pain. He still couldn't wrap his mind around what had happened. It didn't seem anyone could.

Cristina walked up to them. "Meredith," she said with an uncharacteristically gentle tone. "Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?"

Meredith shook her head, but said in a small voice. "I don't want to be alone."

"Okay." Cristina glanced at Burke, who nodded slightly, before climbing into the other side of the bed.

Burke leaned over to kiss Cristina as she settled into the bed, and reached over her to gently grip Meredith's shoulder.

"Goodnight," he whispered as he left the room, thankful that he owned a comfortable couch.

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_"Derek," Meredith murmured as he pulled out of her, and laid his head lightly on her sweaty chest._

_He panted for a moment, keeping his arms wrapped tight around her, even as her legs fell down from around his waist to lie on the bed on either side of him._

_"Hmm," he moaned, lifting his head so he could lean over her and kiss her softly. "I love you, Meredith Shepard."_

_She giggled at the name. Three days was not enough time to adjust to the fact that she was now his wife. _

_Derek smiled, ducking down to claim her lips once again. "Slow is good, isn't it?"_

_"We are never doing it that slow again," Meredith protested. "That was like torture."_

_"You loved it," Derek contradicted. "And you'll want slow again."_

_"Maybe," she said in a sing-song voice, before moving from underneath him and out of the bed._

_Derek groaned loudly. "Where are you going?" He sat up in bed to see her bent at the waist and digging through a suitcase. The sight caused him to groan again._

_"_We're _going to the beach," she announced, tossing his swimsuit at him. "We've been here almost two days, and haven't even left this room."_

_"There's no reason to leave this room," Derek declared, pushing his swimsuit aside. "Go on the balcony and look at the ocean."_

_Meredith pouted at him as she wiggled into the bottom of her bikini. "Derek, we're in the Bahamas," she whined. "I want to go to the ocean."_

_"Okay," Derek agreed, wondering if he would ever be able to refuse her anything. He climbed out of the well-used bed, and pulled on his suit._

_"Tie me," Meredith ordered, gesturing to the back of her top._

_"It's sinful to cover up something so beautiful," Derek commented, turning her around after finishing his task to soak in the sight of her. Even though he rather see her naked, he couldn't deny that she looked damn hot._

_"You'll be taking it off soon enough," Meredith giggled, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him deeply._

_Derek ran all of his fingers through her hair. "Keep that up and we won't leave. Now, come on. Let's go see that ocean."_

Derek slammed his laptop closed, hiding the background that featured Meredith in the ocean surrounded by a tropical paradise, and forcing his brain to shut out the memory. They had been so happy then, and it that happiness had lasted through their marriage. Well, their marriage up until two days ago.

"God!" Derek cried in frustration. He could not believe that he had lost what they had. Love and happiness like that are not something that comes more than once in a lifetime, and there were too many people who never experienced it at all. Derek had had the perfect life, and it was gone.

After a moment, Derek carefully opened his computer, and, hardly looking at the background, fumbled for the feature that allowed him to change back to the default. He couldn't look at a picture of her that happy. Not when he had stolen that emotion from her.

It was painful to look at the drab picture Microsoft had picked out for his computer. Derek had grown accustomed to seeing his beautiful wife when he opened the screen. She had demanded that he change it last year when she had seen what background he had put on his new computer, claiming that her in a bikini was not appropriate when he used the computer for work. That was probably true, but he could never bring himself to remove it until that day.

The memories seemed to haunt Derek no matter what he did. He was back in the house again, and despite the fact that he had spent the night before in the guestroom, he couldn't escape everything. It was painful, but Derek was beginning to realize that, while it hurt to live in a place that reminded him so much of Meredith, it would hurt worse to live somewhere that didn't reminded him of her.

Fighting the distraction, Derek opened his email, and looked through the messages pertaining to his job. Despite all the problems with his life, he still had responsibilities.

Derek deleted a few advertisements from the medical journals he subscribed to, and scanned through the emails he had gotten.

**Attending Considerations**

The subject caught his interest, and he clicked on the message from the board, which displayed a list and asked for his approval and justification of the candidates. Derek glanced at the date at the bottom of the screen to confirm that it was really almost the end of the month and time for his fellows to move up. That had snuck up on Derek over the past couple of weeks.

**Grey-Shepard, Meredith E.**

Derek's eyes were drawn automatically to the name and he found he couldn't tear his eyes away. _She doesn't want to be Meredith Shepard anymore, _he realized with a pained sigh. He fingered the chain around his neck, and pulled it out of his shirt to reveal where Meredith's shiny wedding ring hung securely. The day he had put it on her finger was a sharp memory, and it hurt that she didn't want to wear it, and use his last name. _She doesn't want to be my wife._

He opened a new document, and started with Meredith, even though her name appeared in the middle of the short list.

**Grey, Meredith E.**

The words he had just typed mocked him. Meredith Grey. She hadn't been Meredith Grey for four years now. But, as much as it pained him, Derek was going to respect her wishes. It was the least he could do, and maybe, if he made her happy, one day she would smile at him again.

**The holidays have really been making me busy and they're not even over yet. But the relatives have finally left, yay, so hopefully I'll be able to get you guys longer and more frequent updates as my life gets back to normal. I hope everyone had a great Christmas or Hanukah or anything else that was celebrated. Mine was actually quite nice, despite all the family. And my relatives are actually pretty cool; it's just draining to have them all together and in my house. **

**Please review, and end the holiday season with a great New Year's. **


	12. Chapter 12

"Good surgery, Chief," Dr. Nugan congratulated him as Derek scrubbed out of his latest tumor removal. It had been a tricky surgery, but in the end it had gone well, and Derek expected the patient to make a full recovery.

Derek had thought that it would be difficult to get back in the game after the mishap with Mark, but he had found it easier than expected. Distance. The key was distance. He had been having minimal exchanges with the patients and their families, leaving the main line of communication in the hands of the residents. It was the technique of many surgeons, and Derek had always looked down on them for that, but he was beginning to realize the benefits. When a patient was only 'the man with the spine tumor' it was all medicine and Derek didn't feel at risk for another Mark.

"Thank you," Derek said gruffly to Nugan before turning to the second year resident beside him. "Please inform the family and see the patient turn recovery."

"Yes, sir," the young woman said confidently, pleased with the responsibility.

Running his hands through his hair, Derek left the scrub-room, wondering how much paperwork he could get done before his next surgery. This was a busy time of year. New interns started in less than a month, and in a week all the interns and residents were either moved up or forced to repeat a year. Derek was pouring himself into work now more than ever, and it was proving to be a useful distraction from the rest of his life.

When he got to his office, Derek sat down at his desk, and shifted the pile of papers. Something on the end of his desk clunked, and he moved his papers to reveal a framed picture of him and Meredith that had been buried in junk for who knows how long.

They looked cold. But only physically cold, not emotionally like they were now. Meredith was wearing a ridiculous winter hat that she looked adorable in and Derek had his arms wrapped tight around her and he leaned forward to press their cheeks together while a beautiful evergreen tree dominated the background. Derek smiled, remembering the moment.

_"This is so stupid," Meredith whined quietly, dragging her feet through the inches of snow on the ground._

_"Come on, Meri, this is fun," Derek implored, grabbing her hand to pull her along. "And cutting a tree is a family tradition."_

_Meredith looked around at the throngs of Shepards surrounding them, wondering why they keep around a tradition that made everyone so miserable. Although, now that she looked at them, she saw that not many of them actually seemed that miserable._

_"Smile, Meredith," Derek commanded gently, wrapping an arm around her as they crunched through the snow together._

_Meredith's teeth chattered instead. "I'm cold. And all the trees look the same."_

_Derek laughed, and bent his head down to kiss her cheek. "Just wait. The Shepard tree is always the biggest and the best."_

_"If you say so," Meredith said, finally smiling a little at his enthusiasm. It was their first Christmas as a serious couple and Derek had convinced her to come to New York to meet his family for the first time. She was beginning to realize how much the Shepards loved Christmas, and, until she had been dragged into the freezing wilderness, the enthusiasm had been rubbing off on her too._

_"That tree!" one of Derek's nephews exclaimed, pointing to the biggest tree they had passed._

_Derek's mother chuckled. "I don't think we'd ever get that in the door, Jake."_

_The family crunched on, and Meredith looked around at all the snow-dusted trees._

_"Oh," she suddenly gasped, tugging lightly on Derek's arm. "Look at that one."_

_Derek stopped and looked at the perfectly-shaped tree Meredith was pointed at. Their actions caught the attention of the rest of the family, and they all stopped to see what Meredith was pointing out._

_"How lovely," Mrs. Shepard declared. "I like it."_

_The others murmured a general consensus. Derek pulled Meredith into a hug as the other drifted around the tree. _

_"Nice pick." Derek smiled down at her, and kissed her cold lips quickly. _

_Meredith grinned brightly. "It's a beautiful tree."_

_"See how much fun this is."_

_The grin faded slightly, though a smile tugged at the corners of her lips and her eyes shone. "My toes are numb."_

_"Well, after this we'll see about warming you up. Maybe a hot shower." He leaned in close to her ear. "If we shower together it'll save water."_

_Meredith giggled, but her response was cut off._

_"Derek, Meredith, your turn," Mrs. Shepard called, a camera in her hands._

_"What's going on?" Meredith asked Derek quietly._

_"Family unit pictures with the tree before we cut it."_

_The corner of her mouth twitched in amusement. "Another tradition?"_

_Derek led her over to the tree and wrapped his arms around her tight. He brought his face up to her ear, and whispered, "You're catching on. Now smile."_

"I need Meredith's badge." Cristina's sharp voice jolted Derek from his daydream, and he carefully laid the picture face down on the desk before looking up at her.

"What?" His distraction had prevented him from catching what she had said.

"Meredith's new badge. I need it. Now," Cristina demanded in a voice that was certainly not an appropriate way to be addressing her superiors.

"Oh, yeah." He had momentarily forgotten that Meredith was returning to work today. It had been less than a week since the 'event,' but he wasn't surprised that Meredith was already done with sitting around at home.

Derek dug around on his desk for the envelope, and when he found it he opened it to make sure it was the right person. He smiled slightly at the image of Meredith. She looked so young; it must have been taken close to five years ago, and she'd need a new picture soon. The smile faded though when he glanced at the name. Meredith Grey. That was something that Derek wasn't sure he'd ever get used to.

"Here you go." Derek handed it to Cristina.

Without another word, Cristina turned around and walked out of the room. She hesitated when she reached the doorway, and after a moment, she turned around.

"If I see you near her, I'll kill you," she threatened, and then finally left the room completely.

Derek buried his face in his hands. Work had been his escape, and now he felt like he was sinking again. He hadn't considered what would happen when his mistake followed him into this setting.

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Meredith stretched out across the gurney in the basement, and sighed, wishing she could sleep. Her life had been turned upside down, and one of the biggest effects of that was that she was suffering from an extreme difficulty in sleeping. If it didn't get better soon, she was going to ask Cristina to prescribe her some medication.

Stopping a yawn, Meredith opened the file she had brought down with her, and uncapped her pen so she could start on the paperwork. It was the worse part of doctoring, and on her first day back in almost a week, it was not the thing she wanted to be doing. But overall, work was good for her because it kept her mind occupied. And her mind really needed to be kept occupied these days.

Footsteps drew Meredith's attention from the papers, and she looked up to see Christina walking towards her.

"Guess what day it is?" Cristina asked in a cheerful voice.

"What?" Meredith sighed.

"This is our second to last day as residents." Cristina was nearly jumping up and down with excitement. "After this, no more superiors. We'll be at the top of the food chain."

Meredith gave her a quirky smile, not nearly as excited to be an attending as she should be.

Cristina went on, even though Meredith didn't respond. "And while all the younger residents have that two week break, we get to rule everyone. Being an attending is going to rock."

"I just hope it means less paperwork," Meredith groaned, lying back down as the tiredness overwhelmed her.

"Hell yes, it does. Make the residents do it. We make or break their careers. They have to listen to us," Cristina gloated, her eyes shinning. "And, you know, you could give that to a resident now. They know we're up and coming."

Meredith shrugged. "No one else seems to do it right. The neurology department sucks at paperwork."

"Well, you get to rule the neurology department soon, don't you?" Cristina asked.

"No," Meredith clarified. "Nugan is still head."

"But he's doing a sucky job. Aren't you getting moved up?"

Meredith frowned, remembering the hints Derek had dropped about moving her up. She quickly erased the thoughts. It hurt too much to think about Derek.

"I don't know," Meredith shrugged after a moment, evading the conversation.

Cristina was selfish enough that she let the subject drop. "Well, I'm never going to be head of cardio. Burke's doing great and that Young is doing pretty well too and she's three years up on me."

Meredith made a noise to indicate that she was listening, and Cristina went on, analyzing the cardio department and how it would feel to be almost at the top of it.

As Cristina rambled away, Meredith felt her thoughts drift to the neurology department. Derek had wanted to make her head, and at the time she had believed that was truly something that would happen in time. Now, she wasn't so sure. Derek had completely shattered her trust in him, and she couldn't accept anything he said as fact. It hurt to think of him, and she hated that he was her boss. She had considered transferring to another hospital, but at the same time she loved Seattle Grace, and she didn't know how she would survive without the support system of her friends.

"Mer, are you even listening?"

Meredith looked back at Cristina. "Yeah, I'm just tired."

"And it's no wonder," Cristina exclaimed. "All you do is toss and turn all night. Did you sleep at all?"

"A few minutes," Meredith sighed. "I just keep thinking about it."

Cristina nodded, knowing exactly what Meredith was referring to.

"And I can't sleep without him," Meredith whispered. She was silent for a moment, before an angry tirade broke through. "Which is stupid! I don't need that lying bastard! All I want is to not need him and to hate him and to move on with my life!" she exclaimed, before the tears leaked out of her eyes, and she was drowning to torn emotions.

Meredith was terribly conflicted. She switched between angry and sad, and just as soon as she was cursing Derek and proclaiming how much she hated him, all she could feel was sad and hurt at the fact that he had destroyed the trust she had had in him. In was exhausting. No matter how angry she was, there was just something there that prevented the hatred that should come with the anger. So she was torn and broken.

Cristina rubbed Meredith's shoulder sympathetically. She was fulfilling the role of supportive friend far better than Meredith would have thought she would be able to. "You don't need him, Mer." 

Meredith shook her head. "I don't want to need him," she sobbed. "Cris, tell me something."

Cristina though for a moment. "Oh," she laughed. "I caught Alex with Syph nurse."

"Again?" Meredith sniffed, forcing a laugh.

"Yep. It is so going to fall off one day."

Meredith actually chuckled a little at that, and she let Cristina's gossip distract her from the painful void in her life.

**I hope everyone still likes this. Give me some reviews please and breathe some life into this story. I personally liked this chapter, and I hope the rest of you did too. The updates should be more consistent in time and length now that the holidays are done.**


	13. Chapter 13

"Attending day! Attending day!" Cristina jumped around the room, a sight to be seen in her tight little black dress. "Mer, get ready to go, we're attendings."

Meredith rolled her eyes, secretly wishing that she could be as excited as Cristina. Instead though, she was dreading this banquet, knowing that tonight she would not be able to avoid Derek. He had kept his word, and the last two days at the hospital, she had caught only glimpses of him in the hallway, but tonight they'd be in a room together stuffed full of excited interns and residents and bored attendings at the annual hospital banquet to celebrate a year and move everyone up to their new positions.

"Mer, come on, get dressed," Cristina demanded.

Sighing, Meredith slipped off her robe. Cristina had taken charge of getting Meredith ready this evening, and it was a good way for her to focus her energy. Meredith already had her hair and makeup done, and Cristina had gone over to Meredith's house during the day to get her the off the shoulders, green dress that Meredith had purchased months ago for this event.

Meredith put on the dress, surprised at how soft and silky the fabric felt against her sink. Cristina zipped up the back, and Meredith slipped on her shoes as she turned to look at herself in the mirror.

"Hot," Cristina commented. "Though not as hot as me, sorry." Cristina stood beside Meredith and examined their reflections in the full-length mirror on the wall. "We're hot people."

"I suppose." Meredith smiled, the excitement of the day finally rubbing off on her down that she was looking at herself in a dress that brought out the green tint in her grey eyes and hugged her every curve. She looked ready for a life-changing banquet.

"Let's go," Cristina declared, pulling on Meredith's arm. "I'm ready to officially reach the top."

"Yeah." Meredith grinned. "Me too."

"You two look lovely." Burke stood up from the couch, already dressed in his suit as the girls came out of the bedroom.

"No, we're hot," Cristina corrected, walking over and kissing him before linking her arms through his. Meredith hung back, feeling a little awkward as the third wheel.

"Of course," Burke agreed. "Come on, Meredith." He held out his other arm. "Everyone's going to be jealous when they see me with the two hottest attendings in the hospital."

Meredith finally giggled. This was supposed to be one of the most exciting days in a surgeon's life. And she wasn't going to let Derek ruin that.

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Derek shuffled through the crowd of mingling doctors as he made his way to the open bar. "Double scotch, single malt," he ordered when he got there, leaning against the bar uncomfortably. He hadn't been at an event like this without a date, and it was an awkward situation.

The bartender handed Derek his drink, and he kept his place at the bar as he took his first sip. He cringed at the aftertaste, memories from the last time that taste had been in his mouth coming flooding back. He couldn't drink it. Setting the glass down on the bar, he gestured for the bartender and ordered a glass of water. As he sipped his water, he looked around the crowd, and he could sense the excitement in all of his residents. It was always exciting to hear that a year of one's life had actually been productive and paid off.

Derek choked on his drink when he looked up and saw a vision of true beauty entering the elaborate hotel banquet room. Meredith was on Burke's arm, looking less confident than usual, but still absolutely gorgeous. She was wearing a deep green dress that molded to her body in the most alluring way. Derek had to look away when he felt a sharp pang of pain and envy at the fact that she was on Burke's arm and not his own. Derek wanted to be the one who lead her in, brought her drinks, touched her body, and shared in the excitement of the night with her.

When Derek looked up again he saw Burke womanless and heading towards the bar. He looked through the crowd and easily located Meredith. She was standing with Cristina, George, Izzie, and Alex, appearing just as uncomfortable as she had when she had walked in.

"Hey, Shep."

Derek turned around to face Burke.

"Hey."

"Nice turnout," Burke observed.

"Hmm," Derek murmured, watching the bartender pour a shot into a glass.

Burke frowned in concern. "You okay?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm good," Derek lied.

"Good." Burke turned to the bartender. "I'll have whatever light beer you've got on tap, an apple martini, and a shot of tequila."

Derek couldn't hold back the question that had been on the tip of his tongue since Burke walked over. "How is she?"

Burke stopped watching the bartender fix his drinks and turned to face Derek. "Meredith? She's doing better."

"Is she?" Derek asked urgently, eager for any details.

"Yeah," Burke nodded. "She's smiling tonight. I think she's really excited about this."

Derek felt a smile of his own start to form. "Good, that's good. She deserves that; she's worked so hard for this."

"They all have," Burke agreed.

"Take care of her," Derek requested quietly. "Don't let her drink all night, and try to keep her smiling."

Burke nodded. "Of course. She's my wife's person." Burke gathered his drinks, carefully gripping the martini and the shot in one hand. "See you, Shep."

"See you."

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"Mer, why aren't you with Shepard?" Alex asked as she and Cristina joined the little group.

"Oh . . . um, well, it's just . . ." Meredith fumbled for an explanation. She had been avoiding her friends since she got back to work, and hadn't explained her absence to any of them.

"They're not attached at the hip," Cristina cut in, saving Meredith. "We were getting ready together, and she came over with us."

"Oh," Izzie said, looking a like hurt that she hadn't been included. "I just hope you're okay, Mer. You were just gone for no reason, and you won't talk to me at work. I'm not Cristina, but I can be your friend."

Meredith glued a fake smile to her face. "You are my friend. But nothing is wrong. I just needed a few days to work something out. It's fine."

"You are totally lying," Izzie accused.

"Dude, lay off," Alex demanded. He and Izzie had never really gotten along that well after Izzie and George had become a couple.

Izzie pouted at Alex, her gossip hungry self knowing there was information she wasn't being told.

"Thank you, Alex," Meredith said, relived to have another person on her side.

"No problem. Just tell me if you need anyone's ass kicked."

"I'll keep that in mind." She forced herself to keep her tone light.

Izzie looked even angrier. "So Cristina and Alex get to find out what happens in the secret life of Meredith Shepard, and the rest of us are left in the dark?"

"Grey," Meredith whispered, the name feeling unfamiliar on her lips.

"What was that?" Izzie asked.

Cristina cut into the conversation. "Hey, guess what? We're attendings. We made it." Her voice was filled with excitement.

"Cheers to that," Burke smiled, coming over with the drinks. He handed Meredith and Cristina their drinks, and held his up for a toast. "To the new attendings."

They clinked their drinks and Meredith downed her shot. "I need more of that," she declared as the alcohol burned its way down her throat. She hadn't had any of her poison in the past week, and she was realizing that she used it for a reason.

"Don't you want to remember tonight?" Burke asked her quietly. "Alcohol may ruin that for you."

Meredith thought about it for a moment. Tequila would back her forget, but Burke was right, tonight wasn't something she wanted to forget. Moreover, alcohol could be a terrible catalyst that made good people do terrible things. She wasn't sure she was ready to drink the beverage that she blamed for her husband's crime.

"I'll just have water," she whispered to Burke.

"You don't have to stop completely," Burke assured her.

Meredith shrugged. "Water's fine."

He laid his hand on her lower back. "Alright."

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After the dinner dishes had been cleared away, Derek stepped onto the raised platform nervously, tapping the microphone as the words of his speech ran through his head.

"Good evening, Doctors, and thank you for being here tonight," he began. "It's an honor to lead such a fine surgical staff, and every year I'm pleased to see the improvements made by everyone. I'd like to congratulate everyone here tonight for their accomplishments over the past year."

He paused to take a breath, and scattered applause filled the room.

"We have a lot of people tonight to recognize individually, so I'll get started right away. I like to start by having the people who I'm sure are very pleased that they are no longer on the bottom rung come forward. Our new first year residents." A few people chuckled at Derek's little joke, and he felt less nervous as the young doctors came forward so Derek could announce their names and congratulate them personally.

After the congratulations had been given, and the residents left the stage, Derek spoke again. "After internship the next big step that comes in a surgeon's life in the selection of a fellowship and the concentrated study of a surgical field. Seattle Grace has several promising residents starting their fellowships this year, and I'd like those doctors to come forward now."

The new fellows came up onto the platform and Derek went through the motions with each of them before they filed off of the stage.

"And last but not least, we must recognize our new attendings. These are the doctors who have been working here for up to ten years. They have all made tremendous strides from the first time they walked into our hospital. During orientation, they were told that less than half of them would make it. Well, these are the people who made it. Attendings, please come forward."

Derek tried to keep his eyes off Meredith as she came up to the stage with Izzie, George, Cristina, Alex, and two others.

Turning to the audience once more, Derek said, "And this year we had a first in Seattle Grace history. An entire group of interns has made it all the way to the top. I'd like to personally recognize the woman who whipped these doctors into shape. I believe we'd all acknowledge that she was a key factor in their success. Dr. Miranda Bailey."

While people applauded, Derek subtly wiped his sweaty palm on his pants, before re-gripping the microphone, and moving in front of the line of attendings. Derek could feel his start to sweat again as he moved down the line closer and closer to Meredith. He tightened his hold on the microphone, and had to fight to remember the name Alex Karev as he realized Meredith was next in line.

"The newest attending in neurology," Derek announced. "Dr. Meredith Grey."

Derek couldn't even hear the buzzing voices questioning the name Grey. His eyes had locked with Meredith's stormy grey-green eyes, and he held out his damp hand to her. For a fraction of a second, he wondered if she would take it, but she did. Her hand was cold and stiff in his hand, and Meredith subtly jerked her hand away almost as soon as they touched.

Still reeling the first contact with her in a week, Derek moved down the line, and announced Cristina. It took him of his concentration to focus on what he was doing and not the way Meredith had pulled her hand away so fast or the fact that for one of the first times he hadn't been able to read anything in her eyes.

Derek finished with the group, and as they filed down the stage, Derek reached forward and lightly touched Meredith on her wrist. She jumped back from him like she had been burned and paused.

"Would you please stay for a moment?" he whispered, keeping the microphone down.

There were a thousand questions in her eyes, but she stopped moving and stayed where she was.

Derek stepped a couple steps away from her, and fought to both remember the next words of his rehearsed speech and deliver them without stuttering.

"At Grace we are always fighting to keep our position as a foremost teaching hospital. This goal has led me personally make changes that are often considered highly unusual, but overall beneficial to the hospital staff and the patients we treat. For this reason, I am pleased to offer the position of Department Head of Neurology to Dr. Meredith Grey."

Derek looked nervously over towards Meredith, unsure how she would react. This was a highly unusual move on Derek's part, but he did truly believe that it would benefit the entire hospital. Nugan had not been meeting the expectations, and many of his responsibilities had fallen to Meredith anyways because there were no other neuro attendings. With Meredith in charge, Derek anticipated change for the better, but he knew for certain that it wouldn't get any worse.

Meredith finally looked up for her feet, and meet Derek's eyes with an expression he could finally read. Anger. She was not happy with him. Meredith came across the stage towards him in two confident steps, and he handed her the microphone.

"Thank you, Dr. Shepard," she stated, a certain coldness filling her voice when she spoke his name. "But I cannot accept the position."

After that simple statement, she left the stage, and Derek followed her with his eyes as her steps increased in pace until she was running out of the room.

"Well . . ." Derek started nervously, unsure what to say. "Dr. Nugan will then remain department head." He stated that quickly, and then move calmly said, "I again congratulate every person in this room, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening."

Derek flipped off the microphone, and left the stage quickly, leaving the room in the exact direction he had just seen Meredith go.

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Meredith gasped for air as she entered the hotel lobby, and went into a corner by a window where the staff wouldn't be able to see her cry. The Seattle rain streaked down the window, and the sight was blurred as tears clouded her eyes.

She felt completely humiliated. Her life was once again going to be what the whole hospital was talking about, and it felt even worse than it had when she had been the dirty mistress. Everyone now knew something was wrong between her and Derek; the whole Grey thing had been a very bad idea. Beyond that, he had blatantly favored her in front of the entire surgical staff, only intensifying the fact that something was terribly wrong with the Shepards.

"Meredith!"

She cringed when she heard Derek's voice. What he had done made her so mad, and she wasn't ready to confront him about that. Beyond that, it still hurt to be around him. She couldn't forgive him, yet sometimes when she saw him, all she wanted was to fall into his arms.

"Meredith," Derek said more quietly when he approached her corner. He stopped several paces away, even farther than strangers stood while talking.

"I told you not to talk to me," she whispered, keeping her eyes trained on the rain-streaked window.

Derek was silent for long enough that Meredith almost thought he left, until he said, "I just wondered why you won't take the position."

Meredith turned suddenly. "Because you shouldn't have offered it!" she explained angrily. "Favoritism isn't going to win be back."

As she stormed away, Derek loudly told her, "It wasn't favoritism. I was always going to offer you the position; you would do a better job."

Meredith glared at him, her body still coursing with anger. "I don't want it!" She turned and ran towards the door.

Just as Meredith had nearly reached outside, Izzie came jogging up behind her. "Meredith, what is going on?" she panted. "It's Grey all of a sudden? And you pass up the best opportunity offer to you? Why won't you tell me what's wrong?"

Meredith spun around, enraged with everything. "Fuck off. It doesn't concern you."

Adrenaline coursed through her veins as Meredith ran into the rain and across the parking lot, searching blindly for where the valet had parked Burke's car. Finally she found it, and she leaned up against it, crying and uncaring that the grim from the car was rubbing off onto her dress and that the rain was soaking through it.

Crying in despair and exhaustion, Meredith's head pounded as she frantically tried to determine how her life had been ruined in such a short amount of time.

**Who's shocked that I updated so fast? I'm shocked, but this chapter just came really easily. I hope everyone enjoys the fast (and longer than usual) update. **

**Please review and I'll try not to leave you all waiting too long for the next one.**


	14. Chapter 14

"Meredith!" Cristina exclaimed, slamming her lunch tray down on the table Meredith occupied.

"What?" Meredith looked up from her conversation with Alex and set down the sandwich she had been nibbling on.

"Did you hear that Shepard and Andrews are separating adult-conjoined twins?" Cristina's eyes shone with excited. "I would kill to get in on that and it's not even my area."

Alex's eyes grew. "Woah, really? I'd do that too."

"But don't you specialize in vaginas?" George mocked. He had been rubbing the fact that he was general and Alex was OB/GYN since they had become attendings the week before. "I could get in on that."

"Right, fetus."

Izzie stepped in to George's defense. "Shut up, Alex. And it's not relevant to any of us but Mer. Will you be in on it?"

Meredith shrugged, though she was in no way disinterested. Adult-conjoined twins. That was something that she had never even heard of, and if it would take neuro to separate them the surgery promised to be interested.

"Will Derek keep you out because you're fighting?" Izzie asked, digging for information. "I heard that you've moved out."

Shrugging again, Meredith struggled to check her emotions in check. Izzie had been nagging her about the situation with Derek constantly. Meredith still hadn't told anyone but Cristina and she didn't plan to. It was none of their business.

"Mer, you should try to get in on it," Cristina advised. "This is one-in-a-lifetime."

"Yeah, I should." The wheels were turning in her head. It wasn't like Derek was in a position to deny her anything. "I've got to go." She stood up from the table.

"I'll tell you everything I know," Cristina promised, taking her sandwich and coke from her tray to follow Meredith.

Izzie glared at them as they walked away. "I don't understand why she let's Cristina in, and keeps the rest of us out."

"Izzie, lay off," Alex demanded.

"What, do you know to?" Izzie asked angrily. "I just don't understand. Something huge is happening. She changed her name, moved out, and won't say a thing."

Alex gave Izzie a long look. "Maybe because it's not something she wants to talk about. You need to stop bringing it up or she'll never turn to you."

Izzie gave him a dirty look, and without a word, stood up and left the table.

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Derek looked up from his medical reference when he heard a quiet knock on his office door.

"Come in."

The door opened slowly to reveal the last person Derek had expected. Meredith looked small and scared standing in the doorway, and his heart broke. She was suppose to come strolling confidently into his office, and invade his personal space in the most delightful way as she found a seat on his lap, and started examining everything he was doing.

"Dr. Grey," Derek said carefully, completely unsure why she was there. The last time he had truly seen her, beyond glimpses in the hallway and hiding in the galley when she was in surgery was the disastrous confrontation at the banquet.

Meredith lingered in the doorway, and he could see the tension throughout her body. He hated that being close to him made her react like that.

"I want in on the twin's surgery," she said suddenly, the words spilling out quickly and slightly jumbled, her eyes cast down to the floor.

"Okay," Derek immediately agreed. He had wanted her in on that surgery. As her teacher, he knew this was a unique opportunity to observe and something that his best nuero attending should certainly be in on. As the man who loved her, Derek just wanted to see the awe on her face that always appeared when she saw something amazing.

A tiny reflection of the expression Derek wanted to see so badly crossed her face, and Derek swore he saw a smile before she schooled her face.

"Good." Meredith hesitated for a moment. "I'll be ready to scrub in and observe then."

"Mer – Dr. Grey," Derek corrected. "I still need someone to assist. You interested?"

She looked up at him then and he could see the conflict in her eyes as she remained silent.

"Here, why don't you read the chart, go see the patient, and think about it?" Derek held the chart out to her.

"Okay," Meredith agreed in a soft unconvinced voice, that didn't make Derek confident that he'd have her to help. Meredith crossed the room to his desk quickly, her eyes once again trained on the floor. Taking the chart, she disappeared out of the room as quickly as she had appeared.

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_"Now carefully retract the blood from the area and check the field," Derek instructed, leaning over her left shoulder as he watched her every move with eagle eyes._

_"Right," Meredith said confidently, doing as he said to complete her first solo procedure, a simple tumor removal. _

_Derek leaned in a little more, and carefully examined the open brain. "What do you see, Dr. Shepard?"_

_"The field is clear. We're ready to close, Dr. Shepard." She spared a tiny glance away from the brain to look up at him with sparkling eyes that indicated a smile behind the mask._

_"Good. Do just that."_

_With movements to revealed practice, Meredith closed the brain neatly and efficiently._

_"Very nicely done, Doctor," Derek said formally once she had finished._

_Meredith could hardly control her excitement as she walked out of the OR to the scrub room and scrubbed out._

_"You did great, Meri. I'm so proud of you," Derek praised as they dried their hands._

_The surgical high from this surgery was one of the most intense highs Meredith had experienced, rivaled only by her very first surgery. All the excess emotion poured out of her, and she bounced a little on the balls of her feet._

_"Derek, I saved someone's life. All by myself. I did a whole surgery by myself," she gloated, a huge grin taking over her face._

_Derek smiled down at her indulgently. "Feels pretty good, doesn't it."_

_"It feels amazing." She danced out of the scrub room and Derek followed her. "I feel . . . I don't even know. I did it all by myself. It's like, before I was practicing, and now I'm really a surgeon."_

_Derek couldn't stop smiling at her, and he let her keep going on about how wonderful it was, soaking in the joy he felt at seeing her so happy._

_"God, Derek," Meredith sighed. "That was such a high. I did brain surgery."_

_"You're going to be a real asset to the department," he told her, not to indulge her, but because it was completely true._

_"Yeah," she agreed. "I rocked that surgery. I mean, who needs drugs or sex, I'll just do surgery all day. So much better."_

_There was no way he couldn't cut in at that. "Wait, better than sex? I don't think so. And when have you done drugs?"_

_The gleeful expression left her face for only a second, and she looked slightly guilty as she admitted, "I may have gotten high once in college." The expression returned after that admission. "But that had nothing on this surgery. And, honestly, no offense, Der, but orgasms, I mean, they're great, but this surgery . . ."_

_"Oh, you so do not get to say that," Derek teased, taking her into his arms, and walking her backwards halfway down the hall until they reached an oncall room. "You are not going to be saying surgery's better than sex after this," he promised, scooping her up to lay her down on the bed._

"Mer, there you are!" Cristina's voice cut Meredith from the memory as she came up to the nurse's station where Meredith sat with the chart for the twin's surgery. "Did you get in on it?"

"Yeah," Meredith muttered, still lost in the memories of her first surgery and the sex that had followed. Derek had kept his promise, and once she had come down from the orgasm high he had gotten her to agree that sex was better, though the surgery high hadn't left her for hours afterwards. The high, coupled with the mind-blowing sex had led to one of the best days of her life.

"Wow, you should be thrilled. To be in there . . ." Cristina sounded impressed.

Meredith looked up at Cristina. "He said I could assist."

Cristina's eyes widened. "On an advanced, experimental procedure. Woah, Mer, I don't care what's going on with you two, you have to do it."

"Yeah, you're right," Meredith agreed, the assurance from Cristina confirming the decision she had already made.

Meredith wasn't going to let this thing with Derek ruin her career.

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Meredith had to concentrate to keep her hand from shaking as she held it out to be gloved. This surgery with Derek was going to force her to be in close contact with him for hours and she wasn't sure that she was ready to handle that.

"Dr. Grey."

She turned to his voice behind her, and muttered a hello as she finished getting gowned. She and Derek got over to the patients just as they were being put under, and Meredith tried not to feel uncomfortable as she was forced to stand next to Derek.

"Okay, it's a beautiful afternoon to save lives. Let's have some fun."

After Derek said his signature line, the OR became a buzz of activity, and Meredith didn't have time to think about Derek.

"Dr. Grey, get in here," Derek instructed, and she took her place at his side to help him separate the intricate maze of spinal nerves that lay before them. It was such a complicated procedure that all of Meredith's energy was focused on helping to make sure the men would be able to walk again, and she couldn't think about the fact that her arm kept brushing against Derek's as they worked side-by-side.

"Meri, bottom right field, watch the nerve. There's a clump," Derek murmured.

Meredith was so forced on the work that she hardly noticed what he had called her, and if she had, it wouldn't have mattered.

They had to save a life; their personal lives had no place in the OR.

**Review, por favor.**


	15. Chapter 15

"Hey, Mer."

Meredith moaned and pulled her arm from over her eyes, shifting on the gurney to lay on her side and see who was bothering her. All day she had been feeling dizzy and nauseous and she had finally gotten the chance to escape to the basement. Now all she wanted was one uninterrupted hour to sleep. One hour without people. One hour without Cristina nagging her to call the lawyer to set up a divorce.

"Alex," she muttered, rolling over onto her back once again.

"Are you okay?" he asked with genuine concern.

Meredith threw her arm up over her head. "Yeah, I'm good."

Alex hopped onto the gurney beside hers, close to her head. "Okay." He flipped opened a chart and began scribbling notes in it.

"No ones going to be able to read that," Meredith observed sleepily.

Alex chuckled. "I'm a doctor; people aren't supposed to be able to read my handwriting."

"Yeah," Meredith sighed. "The neuro residents go by that theory too. It sucks."

Turning away from the chart, Alex laughed again, before asking, "Are you sure you're okay? You're pretty pale."

"I've got this flu thing or something, but I'm fine," Meredith explained.

"Hmm." Alex reached into his lab coat pocket, and opened a bag of cheesy chips. "Isn't it a little early in the season for the flu?" He held out the bag to her.

Groaning at the scent, Meredith shoved the chips away. "Not that kind of flu, the puking kind. Get that away from me or I'll puke on you."

"Sorry." Alex shoved the chips back into his pocket. "Can I get you anything? Water? Crackers?"

Meredith suddenly started tearing up. Alex, of all people, was here taking care of her. She didn't want Alex taking care of her, but at the same time, she didn't want the person she wanted to take care of her taking care of her. It had been almost a month now, but Meredith wasn't finding any clarity with the Derek thing. Her head spun with both dizziness and confusion, and she couldn't stop the tears.

When Alex noticed her crying, he drew back a little. "Hey, woah, I just wanted to help. Don't freak out on me."

Sniffing, Meredith found that she couldn't hold back her sobs. Her sight blurred, but through her tears she could see Alex get up and leave. She didn't blame him though; she was a complete mess.

Suddenly, Meredith felt herself being pulled against a man's hard body. She freed a hand to wipe the tears from her eyes so she could clearly see Alex lying beside her. He held her close to his body, and Meredith felt her body automatically relax into his grip as he whispered soothingly into her hair.

After a few minutes of crying, Meredith pulled away. "I'm okay."

"Alright." Alex ran a hand down her head, and swung himself into a sitting position, staying on her gurney. "I'll deny it if you tell anyone I did that."

Meredith gave him a quavering smile. "Thank you, Alex."

"No problem, Grey."

"I just can't . . ." Meredith trailed off in her explanation. "I still love him. I can't tell Cristina that, but I do. I can't help it."

Alex looked down at her seriously. It seemed that even though he didn't know the story, he immediately figured out what she was talking about. "What did he do to you?" he asked quietly.

Meredith looked up at the ceiling. She hadn't told anyone since she had told Cristina the night it had happened. It was harder than she remember to say the words.

"Did he hit you?" Alex inquired gently.

Shaking her head back and forth, Meredith finally admitted, "That's close. He sort of had his way with me or whatever."

Alex frowned deeply. "Like rape?"

"Yeah, pretty much that." Her voice shook and she blinked back another wave of tears.

"What?" Alex exclaimed, clearly outraged. "Why would he do that?"

Meredith closed her eyes. "He didn't mean to."

"Like hell he didn't mean to!" Alex jumped off the gurney to pace back and forth. After a minute, he paused beside her. "Mer, don't make excuses for him. There is no excuse. And you're doing the right thing. You shouldn't stay with a coward who rapes women."

"But I still love him," Meredith whispered.

Alex was silent for a long time, before he advised, "Just wait for it to pass."

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Derek strolled down the hallway to check on another patient. He was distracted by the chart in his hands as he worked to recall all the details of the case. Suddenly, someone coming from the other direction pushed into him, knocking him into the wall.

"What the hell?" Derek exclaimed. He looked up to see who was standing before him. "Watch where you're going, Karev."

"Shut the fuck up." Alex looked up and down the empty hallway before shoving Derek up against the wall again. "You are a worthless excuse for a man."

"She told you," Derek suddenly realized.

"And now I'm trying to understand what possessed you to lay a hand on her," Alex growled.

"Alex, I . . ."

"Shut the fuck up." Alex shoved him into the wall. "You are pathetic. You'd better watch yourself so you don't end up on your back and helpless like she was." Alex pushed him into the wall one more time before stalking away.

Slightly shaken, Derek continued down the hallway. He had been surprised at first that Meredith's friends hadn't been on him early, but then he had thought about it, and it had made sense that Meredith hadn't told anyone. She was, after all, a very private person.

Derek checked in briefly with his patient, before continuing on to the nurse's station to put the chart back. He paused a distance away, his eyes caught by Meredith who leaned up against the desk.

Sometime was wrong. Derek could tell immediately, even from a hallway away. She was pasty and pale and it appeared that the nurse's station was the only thing that kept her from collapsing onto the floor.

_I can't go over there, _Derek thought at first. _If it was any other doctor, I'd check on them. _

With that justification, Derek slowly went up to her, and briefly touched her shoulder with his fingers.

"Dr. Grey. Are you alright?" Concern seeped into his voice.

"Don't . . ." Meredith started, pulling away from the desk, but swaying so dangerously that Derek couldn't stop himself from catching her by the shoulders to prevent her from collapse.

"Meri," Derek whispered.

"Let go," she demanded weakly, trying to jerk out of his arms, before suddenly gripping his shoulder and leaning over to vomit all over his shoes and the bottom of his pants.

Derek fought his instinctive reaction to jump away and instead reached forward to hold her shoulders and keep her upright. "Meri," he whispered again, watching her face as she coughed and pulled herself upright. Derek kept his grip on her, afraid that she would fall if he let go.

Their eyes locked for a long moment, and Derek suddenly couldn't breathe. She clearly didn't feel well, but beyond that, Derek was seeing something in her eyes that he hadn't seen in far too long. He was afraid to name the emotion, even in his head, because it would hurt too much to be wrong. But subconsciously, he couldn't deny that her eyes were soft and filled with love. Love for him.

"Meredith!"

The moment was broken as Cristina came up to the pair, and pulled Meredith out of Derek's loose grip.

"Mer, what are you doing?" Cristina demanded.

"Yang, she's sick," Derek said when Meredith didn't response.

Cristina gave him a glare that all too clearly said that he had no right to be talking to either of them. Without a word, Cristina gently wrapped her arm around Meredith and helped her down the hallway away from Derek.

"Shep, what are you doing?" Burke asked, as he walked up to Derek.

"She was sick," Derek explained, gesturing down to her vomit covering his shoes.

Burke made a face. "I can't say you didn't deserve that. You should stay away from her."

Derek was surprised to hear that from Burke. Burke was the one person that Derek thought was on his side, the one who gave him nearly daily updates on Meredith, the one who had told him that he would have to be there for Meredith when she needed him.

"Derek, don't look at me like that," Burke demanded. "I'm not against you, but I don't want you messing with her. She's still hurt. I haven't slept in my bed for a month because she can't sleep alone. I'm having sex in oncall rooms because that's the only time I can be alone with my girlfriend. I don't want her to have a set back."

Nodding in understand, Derek muttered, "Make sure she eats something" before slumping away towards his office to change. He felt more alone than ever. Mark was dead. Meredith wouldn't speak to him. Now Burke was even against him. This was something that was supposed to get better with time, but instead everything was getting worse.

**There are still a few things I consistently get reviews about, so I decided that I owe all my faithful readers an explanation on these things. So here we go. First of all the Derek performing surgery on Mark thing. The reason that that was allow was that no one really knew how close Derek and Mark really were except Meredith, who thought that it was Mark's best shot regardless. And my justification for Derek operating on a friend was that it happens on the show, for example, in season one, the Chief was friends with that guy who needed a new liver (the one who kept hitting on George) and Burke was friends with the guy with an ovary and a cheating wife. In season two, Addison operated on her friend Savvy. So in my story, Derek operated on Mark.**

**Also, obviously there is the whole rape thing. And that has two explanations. If you want to go from the psychological standpoint, alcohol lowers inhibitions. What people do under the influence of alcohol is just a less inhibited version of things they do in everyday life. Derek normally has sex with his wife, lots of alcohol led to non-consensual sex with his wife. Or, if we drop psychological explanations on the basis that people do things that can't be explained, it was just a crazy thing where everything came together in sort of a straw-that-breaks-the-camel's-back type way, and Derek did something terrible and out of character for no clear, explain-able reason. It just happened.**

**Okay, that was like the longest AN ever. If anyone still wants clarification on anything in this story tell me in review or PM and I'll clear up more. Thanks for reading, and please review.**


	16. Chapter 16

Meredith heaved into the toilet of the bathroom of the Burke's apartment, moaning at the feeling of the bile from her empty stomach coming back up. This was miserable, and something that she had been spending far too much time doing over the past week.

A clunk caused her to look up and she saw Cristina stumbling into the bathroom, having dropped something on the counter.

"I got you a test last night," Cristina mumbled in a cranky, sleepy voice.

Meredith frowned, and reached up for her cup to take a sip of water and sip in back into the toilet. "What are you talking about?"

"You're obviously pregnant." Cristina sat down on the edge of the tub.

Coughing, Meredith flushed the toilet and rocked back on her heels. "What are you talking about? I have the flu."

"Right," Cristina said sarcastically. "You've woken me up with your puking every single morning for the past week because you have the flu."

"Yeah." Meredith frowned, until to consider any other possibly.

"No, Mer, pregnant. Don't worry; it's easy to take care of," she said bluntly.

Meredith shook her head. "I am not pregnant."

"Fine, you've not pregnant. Pee on the stick and prove it."

Unwilling to argue, Meredith muttered, "Whatever. But I'm not."

To placate Cristina, Meredith tore opened the box to pull out the little stick. She hadn't taken a pregnancy test in years, and it felt strange to do so. There was no way she was pregnant. She was a doctor, and she knew the difference between sick and pregnant. She was sick, not pregnant.

Laying the test on the counter, Meredith quickly brushed her teeth. The thing apparently took five minutes to work, and Meredith wasn't willing to wait around for a stupid stick to confirm what she already knew. Leaving the test where it was, Meredith left the bathroom, and headed through the bedroom and to the front door.

"Are you?" Cristina asked as Meredith passed her in the kitchen.

"No," Meredith said firmly, throwing on her coat and leaving the apartment.

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A few minutes after Meredith left, Burke left Cristina sipping her coffee at the kitchen table and went into the bedroom to get ready for work. His once perfectly organized bedroom had become a disaster zone now that two messy women were sharing it. At one point in his life, Burke would have been thrilled to have two women sleeping in his bed every night, but the reality just didn't compare.

Pulling his sweater over his head, he walked into the bathroom. The little stick on the counter caught his eyes, and he picked it up. He knew exactly what he was looking at and he didn't need the key to decipher what the tiny plus sign meant.

"Cristina Rosaline Yang-Burke!" he cried.

Cristina appeared in the doorway a minute later, the cup of coffee still in her hands.

"What?" she asked, annoyed to have been full-named. "If you want sex, that is not the way to ask. And the answer is no, I definitely don't . . ."

Burke cut her off. "I don't want sex. Cristina, I knew you were insensitive, but this . . . just leaving it for me to find! This is something we need to talk about!"

Cristina frowned at him in complete confusion. "Talking would be something I'd consider if I had any idea what you were talking about."

"You're pregnant!" he exclaimed.

"I am not pregnant," Cristina said with a frown. "What would make you think you I'm pregnant?"

Burke felt himself pulse with anger. Not only had she not told him, but now she was lying. "You left damn test here for me to find!" He held it to her.

Cristina's eyes grew into wide saucers. "Oh crap."

"Oh crap is right, Cristina. How could you not tell me?" Burke growled.

"Because I'm not pregnant," Cristina repeated, grabbing the test from his hand to examine it. "Meredith is."

Burke felt the anger evaporate from his body. "Oh." After a moment he realized the implications of that statement. "Oh crap."

"Yeah," Cristina muttered. "Oh crap is right."

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Meredith walked out of a patient's room, and was suddenly dragged by the arm into an empty exam room.

"What the fuck, Cristina?" Meredith cried, yanking her arm away.

"We need to talk," Cristina said, ignoring Meredith's protests to the manhandling.

"So talk. I have a job, let's walk and talk," Meredith tried to compromise and started to walk out of the room.

"No, this isn't a walk and talk conversation." Cristina sighed. "We have a problem."

Annoyed to be pulled away from her workday, Meredith demanded. "Spit it out then. I need to see another patient."

"Fine. You're pregnant."

A slight buzzing filled Meredith's head and she felt a wave of dizziness. "What?" she cried. "I am not." She backed up to the exam table and sat down in an attempt to make the room stop spinning.

Cristina held something out to her and Meredith took it automatically. "You're test from this morning," Cristina explained.

Meredith held it up and examined the tiny plus sign. It just couldn't be true. "These things are wrong all the time," she tried to deny.

"Yeah, but they're not usually wrong after a week of morning sickness." Cristina gave her a look of almost sympathy. "We can do a blood test to confirm."

"To confirm that I'm not pregnant."

Cristina turned to the tray of supplies that she had set up prior to dragging Meredith into the room. "You're in Egypt, Mer."

Meredith pulled an arm out of the long sleeve shirt she was wearing so Cristina could do a blood test. "Whatever."

Quickly, Cristina drew blood, bandaging Meredith's arms, and getting the blood ready to be taken done to the lab. "I'll put it in my name," Cristina offered softly. "You don't need to be the topic of anymore gossip."

"Thanks, Cristina." Meredith was touched by the unexpectedly kind gesture.

"I'll track you done when I get the results," Cristina offered.

"Yeah." Meredith lay back on the table, needing a moment to collect her thoughts.

There was no way she was pregnant. It would have had to have been from when . . . no, it just wasn't possible. She was not pregnant.

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Meredith sipped at some soup, hoping that the chicken and noodles would be something that she could keep down long enough to get through the rest of her shift. She looked up when Cristina sat down at the empty table.

"So, rumors are going to be flying all over the hospital." Cristina laid a sheet of lab results down in front of Meredith. "By the end of the day, everyone is going to know that Cristina Yang-Burke is pregnant."

Meredith scanned the sheet. The soup churned in her stomach. "These can be wrong." But it was getting harder and harder to deny what was sitting in front of her. The vomiting, the positive pregnancy test, this positive blood test, now that she thought about it she was sure she had missed a period. It all led to one answer that Meredith just couldn't accept.

"I've got to go," Meredith murmured, throwing away her half-finished soup.

Meredith hopped onto the elevator and leaned against the wall, trying not to be sick again.

"Mer, are you okay?"

Groaning at the voice, Meredith looked up to see the last person she wanted to see. Derek stood in front of her, clearly ready to catch her if she fell over or something.

"What did I say about cornering me in elevators?" Meredith growled, before turning away and willing the elevator to get to the OB floor faster. When it finally stopped, she got off without a backward glance at Derek.

"Alex!" Meredith called when she spotted him.

"Meredith," he acknowledged, coming over to her. "How are you holding up?"

"Not too well." Meredith shifted her weight from side to side and looked down at her feet. "I need a favor."

"Anything, Mer," Alex immediately agreed.

She looked around at the other doctors milling around and the always gossip hungry nurses. "Can we go somewhere private?"

"Sure thing." Alex led her into an empty exam room and shut the door, pulling the blinds to prevent people from looking in at them. "What's up?"

Forcing back the emotions that threatened to drive her to tears of despair, Meredith whispered, "I think I'm pregnant."

"Oh shit, Mer," Alex said sympathetically. "What are the signs? I'm going to guess that flu thing is still persistent? Have you missed a period? Are your breasts tender?"

Nodding her head, Meredith paused for a moment before telling him the true signs. "I took a pregnancy test, and then Cristina gave me a blood test."

"Positive?" Alex guessed.

Meredith blinked back tears, but a single one escaped down her cheek. "Yeah."

"What can I do then?" Alex asked. "I'm really not comfortable doing an abortion for you, but I can refer you."

"What?" Meredith exclaimed. "I don't need an abortion. I'm not pregnant!"

A sense of realization crossed his face. "Oh, I see. Do you want an ultrasound?"

"Please?"

Alex sighed. "How far along are you?"

Meredith shrugged. "Like five weeks. But I'm not pregnant."

Doubt covered his face, but he did a fairly good job of pushing it back. "Okay. But I'll have to do it vaginally. Do you want someone else instead?"

"No, Alex, no! No one can know about this!" she said adamantly. "No one!"

"Alright, I'll do it." He pulled out a paper drape. "Pants off."

Slightly embarrassed, Meredith toed off her shoes and slipped off her pants and panties before sitting down on the paper covered exam table. Alex covered her legs and reached down to adjust her feet in the stirrups.

"Never though I'd get you in this position, Grey," he laughed, trying to make light of the situation.

Meredith forced a laugh, though nothing seemed remotely funny.

With a sad smile towards her, Alex readied the equipment, and hooked up various machines. "Ready?" he asked after a few minutes.

Meredith nodded, and tried to displace herself from the situation as Alex disappeared between her legs and started the procedure. It was more than awkward, but it was the best option in she had.

"Alright," Alex said after a moment, keeping the hand with the wand between her legs, but otherwise sitting up to examine the monitor. "Well," he said after a moment. "That's the embryonic sac."

Meredith looked closely at the oval shaped black spot he traced with his finger. "No." She shook her head. "That is not an embryo." Frantically, she thought back to her time on the OB service. "It could be my bladder!"

"It's not." Alex moved the wand a little. "That's your bladder." He pointed out a different spot before going back to the one he had first pointed out.

Meredith shook her head back and forth. "No, no, this cannot be happening," she moaned.

"I'm sorry, Mer," Alex said. "But you're pregnant; I'm sure of it."

"Oh crap," Meredith whispered in a low tone.

How could this have happened?


	17. Chapter 17

"Mer, I have these numbers for you," Cristina told her over breakfast in the apartment the next morning. Burke had been called in during the night for a trauma case, so it was just the two of them.

"What numbers?" Meredith asked as she chewed on a bagel. After a few minutes of hanging over the toilet the nausea had passed to be replaced with extreme hunger.

"The lawyer for the divorce and the clinic for the abortion," Cristina said nonchalantly.

Meredith groaned. "Cristina . . . I don't want to think about that stuff."

"Well, okay, but you have to," Cristina said reasonably. "Or in eight months you'll have a baby and a husband."

"Cris!" Meredith snapped. "I just need some time to absorb everything."

Cristina rolled her eyes. "Meredith, you've had a month to absorb the McBastard thing and if you don't absorb the baby thing fast, well . . ."

"Do you think I don't know that?" Meredith exclaimed angrily. "Just leave it! I can't take this!" She threw the rest of her bagel down on the table and stormed towards the door of the apartment.

"You have to take care of this, Mer!" Cristina called as Meredith slammed the door shut.

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Meredith moped around the hospital all day, try desperately to keep busy. Unfortunately, it was not a day to be busy considering the hospital was experiences one of the lightest loads it had in a month.

Dragging, her feet, Meredith went down to the cafeteria, to respond to her growling stomach. Her hand moved to rub across it, though she paused immediately when she realized what lay there besides an empty stomach.

_A baby. _It didn't even seem possible. A month ago she had been crying because she hadn't been pregnant and now she was crying because she was. But there was a baby there, no matter how Meredith felt about the situation. It was amazing when she thought about it.

After purchasing a turkey sandwich and some pretzels, Meredith found a table. She had passed up the appealing, yet fatty burgers, already thinking about the tiny baby that was depending on her for its nutritional needs. It was a little cold to eat outside, but Meredith enjoyed seeing natural light, so she selected a table near the full windows, so she could see the sun the struggled to shine behind a light layer of clouds.

"Hey, Mer." Meredith looked up mid-bite to see Izzie sitting down across from her with a cup of soup and a perky smile.

"Hi," Meredith muttered, quickly turning her focus back to her food. She and Izzie had had a fragile relationship over the past couple of weeks, but the Izzie's questions had been slowing down recently.

"How has your day been?" Izzie asked conversationally. "Any good cases?"

Meredith shrugged. "Not really. It's been pretty boring."

Izzie sipped a spoonful of soup. "Yeah, it has been for us too. Apparently, nine months ago was not a good time to reproduce."

While Izzie chuckled at her own joke, Meredith felt tears prickle her eyes. For her, one month ago had not been a good time to reproduce, but all of a sudden she was almost eight months away from having a baby.

"Mer?" Izzie studied her closely. "What's wrong? Is it something I said?"

Shaking her head, Meredith found her inexplicably admitting, "I'm pregnant."

Izzie leaped to her feet, and squealed, "Oh, Mer!" before running around the table to hug her. "Congratulations!"

Sobbing even harder, Meredith clung to Izzie's arm, wishing that everything would just go away. Izzie pulled away after a moment, and looked down at Meredith with sympathy.

"Do the hormones have you all over the place?" Izzie asked.

Meredith wiped her tears, though it did nothing as they kept pouring down her face. "No, I just . . . I don't know what to do."

A look a confusion crossed Izzie's face. "You don't want this baby? I know something's going on with you and Derek, but didn't you guys want kids? I mean, this could help."

Meredith shook her head, rubbing her palms across her cheeks. "It won't be fixed. Cristina thinks I should get a divorce and an abortion."

"Meredith . . ." Izzie sunk down into her chair across from her. "Cristina isn't exactly . . . you should just consider your options."

"I know," Meredith murmured, unconsciously bringing a hand to her stomach. "It's a baby."

Izzie smiled sadly. "It is a baby. It's your baby." She paused for a moment. "Mer, I don't know what's going on with you." There was a twinge of bitterness in her voice. "But just, personally, when I was pregnant, not with Rachel, when I was sixteen, there was a reason I choose adoption over abortion."

Meredith nodded slowly in understanding. In an abstract sense, she had nothing against abortion, but now that this was her baby, a part of her and Derek, it seemed to be a process that was nothing more than murder. A cold and calculated way to cover a mistake.

"It's one or the other for me," Meredith whispered. "Abortion or keeping it. And the options are so different, I don't even know how to think about it."

A pager went off, and they both looked down at their waistbands. "It's me," Izzie announced. "I have to go, but why don't you come over tonight. We can talk about this."

"Maybe," Meredith told her.

"Call me," Izzie suggested, before taking off across the cafeteria.

Meredith sighed. Abortion had seemed so easy, but the more she considered the situation, the less likely it seemed that she would be able to pursue that option.

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Derek snapped the chart he had been writing in closed, and dropped it off at the nurse's station, sitting down at the desk to type his orders for the patient into the computer.

"An easy day."

Derek looked up from typing to see Burke sitting on the desk beside his computer. He made a noise of agreement, and turned his focus back to recording the medication amounts for one of his post-op patients.

Burke cleared his throat.

Annoyed, Derek finished his orders, logged off the computer, and looked up at Burke. "What?"

"I think you should talk to Meredith," Burke suggested simply.

That was the last thing Derek had expected to hear. "What . . . talk to Meri . . . why?"

Burke shifted uncomfortably on the desk. "Cristina is going to kill me for saying anything to you, but, trust me, you should talk to her."

"That's all you're going to give me?" Derek asked, incredulous. Burke had just told him something Derek never thought he'd hear again, and now wasn't giving Derek any details.

"It's because . . . well, I just don't want her to do something she's going to regret. And I'm afraid Cristina is pushing her in that direction."

Derek frowned in confusion. Burke had in no way cleared up the issue, he had just muddled the waters even more.

"I'll try to talk to her," Derek said simply. "But I don't think it will do any good."

"She's in the lounge. You should go now."

Shaking his head back and forth, Derek stood slowly from the desk. This talking thing wasn't something that Derek had expected to be doing any time soon, but apparently Burke thought it was urgent. With a nod at Burke in parting, Derek made his way over to the surgical attending's lounge and opened the door.

There was Meredith, sipping at a bottle of water, her eyes staring into space. There was a pile of paperwork in her lap, but it was apparent to Derek that it was not something that she was focusing on at all. As her attention was diverted to some spot on the opposite wall, Derek studied her closely. Her face was terribly pale, and he could see exhaustion seeping out of every pour of her body, even from across the room. The navy scrubs she wore wrinkled obviously, and her hair looked limp as it hung in a messy ponytail.

"Meredith?" Derek said quietly to alert her to his presence.

She looked over at him to serve him with a dark glare that said as clearly as words that, despite Burke's opinion, she had no interest in being in the same room as him, let alone talking.

"Go away." After that curt statement she broke eye contact and focused on the opposite wall.

Derek paused for a long moment, weighing his options and trying to gather his thought.

"Burke told me to talk to you," Derek explained, deciding the truth was a good place to start. "Something about a decision."

Her shoulders visibly tightened with tension and stress, and Derek could immediately tell that Burke had been right in the fact that something was wrong.

Meredith stood up from the chair, and spoke, still facing the opposite wall. "Nothing is going to change. We're not speaking and I have not forgiven you."

Derek swallowed to get moisture into his overly dry throat. "Okay."

Turning on a heel, Meredith stalked past him and to the door of the room. Before opening it, she paused on the threshold, and facing forward, she whispered, "I'm pregnant," and processed to leave the room, slamming the door behind her.

**Please give me some reviews. Sorry for the wait in updates. Hopefully, I'll get a chance to update this and my other story during the week, but for sure an update on both my Sunday. Again, tell me what you think. Thank you.**


	18. Chapter 18

_Turning on a heel, Meredith stalked past him and to the door of the room. Before opening it, she paused on the threshold, and facing forward, she whispered, "I'm pregnant," and processed to leave the room, slamming the door behind her._

Derek reeled with shock. He could not believe what he had just heard. Pregnant. His Meredith was pregnant. With his baby. Pregnant.

Overcome, Derek sunk to the couch, and put his head in his hands. This changed everything. Now instead of just Meredith and Derek problems, there was another being thrown into the mix, a tiny little person that was part of both of them. A person that would now have to be calculated into every single decision either of them made.

A decision. Derek suddenly realized what Burke had been talking about. Meredith was trying to make a decision about the baby. Strong feelings suddenly came into Derek; she had to keep the baby. It was theirs, something that they had created, and they couldn't just throw it away like garbage. It was their baby.

A sense of panic came over Derek, and he could only imagine that Meredith experiencing emotions that were much worse. This just wasn't fair. A baby was something they had wanted so badly, and it couldn't have come at a worse time.

_Or in a worse way. _Derek couldn't stop himself from thinking back. They had decided to get pregnant. Meredith had gotten her period, and been upset that she wasn't pregnant. Mark had been admitted. They stopped having sex for a while. He raped Meredith. Now she was pregnant. It didn't take a brain surgeon to connect the dots.

A wave of nausea passed over Derek, and he pounded his head lightly against his hands. His life had become a huge disaster, and it was all his fault. His best friend was dead, his wife wouldn't look at him, and now the life of his unborn child was at risk.

_How did this happen to me?_

That was that a question that Derek could answer, but he knew one thing. He had to find Meredith. She may not want to talk, but this was something that couldn't be brushed aside.

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_Oh shit, oh shit. _

Meredith mentally hit herself over and over again. How could she have blurted it out like that?

_Because he has a right to know, _a tiny little voice reminded her.

Meredith brushed that voice aside, and continued to curse herself for her stupidity. This was no longer just her problem, now Derek was involved, and she knew that he would have a strong opinion on the topic.

She suddenly realized she was walking down the hallway with no particular destination, and just as she was going to head towards an oncall room so she could hide, someone came up behind her and grabbed her arm.

"Meredith," Derek said desperately.

Meredith jerked her elbow from his grip. "Leave me alone."

"We have to talk about this," Derek pleaded. "Come on, Meri, you know that we have to talk about this."

"What's there to say, Derek?" she demanded.

Derek glanced up and down the hallway and Meredith followed his gaze to see the hallway full of bustling nurse and doctors traveling up and down the main hallway.

"In here," Derek said quietly, opening the door to the oncall room, and stepping to the side so that she could enter in front of him.

Meredith hesitated for a moment, but entered the room, knowing that this wasn't a conversation he would let her escape. _And it isn't fair not to have it. _They had to talk about this. Derek did deserve to know what was going on, and the baby needed them to talk about this.

Derek shut the door firmly behind him, and turned to her to ask, "What are you going to do?"

"I'm keeping it."

The words surprised even Meredith herself. She hadn't consciously come to a decision, but once the words left her mouth she knew that that was what she had to do. There just wasn't another option.

Derek didn't say anything for a long moment. He just stared at her, looking deeply into her eyes, an intense stare that made her shift on her feet.

"That's good," he finally stated. "Good."

"Okay," Meredith said awkwardly, unsure what else to say.

"So . . ." Derek started. "How is everything? I mean with the ba – with our baby."

Meredith took pause at the phrase. Their baby. She smiled softly. "It's good. Alex did an ultrasound and everything looked alright."

"Good." He sounded unlike himself and he stared at her stomach for a long moment, almost like he was trying to see right though to the tiny embryo.

"Yeah," Meredith whispered, bringing her hand to her stomach. "Our baby is good."

"Good," Derek repeated, taking a step closer to her, moving his hand, but letting it fall back down. His hand fluttered again, before he brought it up to her stomach, and gently laid his hand down just above hers, letting their fingers brush together.

She let the moment last for a while before she pulled away. He could have a moment to absorb their miracle, but this didn't just make everything better.

"Derek." He looked up, and Meredith maintained eye contact with him, when she said with harsh necessity, "This doesn't change anything."

"I know," he responded softly.

"Okay," Meredith confirmed. "We'll work out the details later?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Okay." There was an awkward pause before Meredith turned around and left the room.

As she walked in the hallway, the phrase she had just said resounded in her mind. _This doesn't change anything. _And it didn't. It changed everything.

**I know it's short, but I've been super busy lately. It's kind of like everything is happening all at once, but it's getting better, so I should have more time to update this in coming weeks. I hope this chapter wasn't too much of a disappointment. Remember, this is just the shocked initial reactions for both of them, so the guilt, anger, and whatnot will come. Maybe that's not a good thing . . . lol**

**Drop me a review. Please and thank you.**


	19. Chapter 19

"Oh, this sucks," Meredith groaned, grabbing her stomach and making a run for the bathroom to vomit.

Izzie came in as she flushed the toilet and handed her a cool clothe. "It gets better."

"Really?" Meredith asked as she wiped her face. "You mean the part when I become the size of a whale and shove a watermelon out of my you-know-what and have a screaming demon that never lets me sleep?" Finishing her rant, Meredith rocked back on her heels and leaned against the counter. "This sucks," she repeated.

Izzie chuckled. "Well, when you put it that way . . ."

Getting to her feet, Meredith told her, "I'm starving now. Do you have any food here?"

"Of course. I have a two year old and a man living here." Izzie laughed at her own joke and lead Meredith out of the bathroom and into the living room where Rachael was playing.

"Merith!" Rachael exclaimed, looking up from her toys. "You go potty with mommy?"

"Um . . ." Meredith glanced at Izzie for help.

"Sorry," Izzie snorted. "We're just starting to toilet train her." Izzie squatted down to her daughter's level. "Rachael, sweetie, Aunt Meredith is a big girl, and she goes potty by herself. Mommy was just getting her a towel."

"Oh," Rachael nodded with deep understanding. "I a big girl too, Merith."

Smiling down at the little girl, Meredith said in agreement, "You are big, Rachael. You grew up fast."

"Do you want a snack, Rach?" Izzie asked.

Rachael nodded, and reached her arms up for Meredith to pick her up. Meredith lifted the almost three year old into her arms, savoring the feel of the soft, warm body. She could hardly believe that she would have her own little one in eight short months.

In the kitchen, Meredith set Rachael down on the counter and stood next to her while Izzie looked through the fridge. "What do you want, Mer?"

Meredith opened her mouth to respond when George walked into the kitchen. "Hey, everyone." He shrugged off his coat and set his bag down in the corner.

"Daddy!" Rachael cried, squirming around as Meredith lifted her down from the corner.

"Rachael!" George swung her up in his arms, and kissed her cheek. "How's my little girl?"

"I your big girl, daddy!" Rachael exclaimed.

"That's right. How could have I forgotten?" George set Rachael back down and she ran over to Izzie and closed her fists around the apple slices she was offered.

Izzie flitted over to George and lightly kissed his cheek. "Good timing. Mer and I are going into the living room to talk. You get to put Rach to bed."

George nodded and rummaged around in the fridge. Meredith helped herself to a muffin off the counter and followed Izzie into the other room where they both sat down on the couch.

Izzie was uncharacteristically quite, clearly allowing Meredith to start the conversation. It was apparent that she was doing all she could to get back into Meredith's good graces.

After a few moments of silence, Meredith blurted out, "I'm keeping the baby."

"Oh, Meredith, that's great!" Izzie smiled warmly at her. "I don't think you'll ever regret that decision."

Meredith shrugged. "I hope not. But everything is going to be a mess now. Derek and I are going to have to figure this all out, and we're barely speaking. I know nothing about babies, and I don't even have a place to live." She was near tears by the end of her rant as she realized all the trials ahead of her.

Izzie laid a comforting hand on her knee. "It'll be okay, Mer. You just need to take this one step at a time. Have you told Derek about the baby?"

She nodded. "I think he's happy."

"I'm sure he's thrilled. It was his idea to try for a baby."

Meredith shook her head. "That was before everything got fucked up."

She could see Izzie literally biting her tongue to stop from pressing for more details. A part of Meredith wanted to tell her, but she was just so overwhelmed with everything she couldn't handle another reaction of shock and disbelief.

"It will work out," Izzie finally settled on after a few moments. "And what about the baby? Have you started your prenatal care?"

"Not yet. Alex did an ultrasound a couple days ago, and I think I'm going to ask him to be my OB. No offense," she quickly added when she saw the slightly put out look on Izzie's face.

"None taken. Alex will do a good job."

"Yeah." Meredith leaned back into the couch, glad that Izzie wasn't making her justify her decision. She knew that Izzie was just as competent a doctor as Alex, but she wanted him to be the one to do it. They understood each other, and he never made her pressured or uncomfortable.

"I should probably get going," Meredith said after a minute.

"Are you sure? I get that you've had enough of this, but we could watch a movie or something," Izzie offered.

Meredith stood up. "Thanks, but I really need to get to bed."

"Alright. You know where to find me if you want to talk more about this."

"Thanks, Iz." Meredith grabbed her jacket and shoved her feet into her shoes. She dug around in her purse until she found her keys, and then let herself out the front door. "See you tomorrow."

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Two weeks later, Meredith woke up an hour earlier than usual so she could get to her first appointment with Alex. He had wanted to see her sooner, but their schedules had been arranged so that neither of them had been available at the same time.

As she fumbled to get her shoes on she found a note lying on top of them.

_Adam's Divorce _

_206-897-0945_

Meredith crumpled the note in frustration and shoved it in the pocket of her jacket. Cristina needed to lay off. Thankfully, she had dropped the abortion thing when Meredith had told her she was keeping the baby, although she still hadn't said one encouraging word or given Meredith any indication that she was doing the right thing.

Grabbing her bag off the floor, Meredith hurried out the door for the appointment she was already late for. She took the elevator down to the parking garage and climbed into her jeep. The path to Seattle Grace was so ingrained in her subconscious that she was a little surprised when she pulled into her usual spot in the parking lot.

Up on the OB floor, Meredith felt awkward sitting in the waiting room as a patient because she was so used to be the doctor who made other people wait. She looked at the table next to her to find a magazine to distract herself. There were two options, Parents and Women's Health. Rolling her eyes, Meredith picked up Parents that featured a toddler showing off her toothy grin, and a headline the claimed it knew how to stop the "terrible twos."

Flipping through the magazine made Meredith more than overwhelmed. There were so many things that you were supposed to buy, so many childhood maladies that hadn't even occurred to Meredith despite the fact the she was doctor and sickness should be the one thing she could deal with. And it seemed that once babies got past the terrifying age where they were so easy to break it got worse because there were tantrums and toilet training and preschools. She was in no way ready to handle this.

"Hey, Mer."

Meredith looked up to see Alex get off the elevator and pull a scrub cap off his head.

"Sorry I made you wait. My surgery ran late," he explained.

Meredith put down the terrifying magazine and stood up. "No problem. Did everything end up okay?"

"Yep. Just a few complications with a C-section, but it looks like mom and baby will be fine."

"Good." She followed Alex back to an exam room.

"Hey, Mer," Izzie exclaimed as she walked by. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm good," Meredith said vaguely before walking into the exam room where Alex held the door opened.

Meredith hopped up onto the table, as Alex asked, "So, Ms. Grey, how is everything going?"

She giggled a little at the way Alex addressed her, and told him, "I'm doing better. I'm not throwing up as much, and I've been forcing myself to eat."

"That's good to hear. Have you been taking your vitamins?"

"Everyday."

"Great. Put on this gown, and we'll get this over with."

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"Dr. Shepard!"

Derek turned around when he heard his name called, praying it wasn't another nurse congratulating him on the baby. Just when everyone had stopped speculating on their clearly broken marriage, it seemed that word of the baby had somehow gotten out, and he and Meredith were again number one on the hospital gossip list.

Instead it was Izzie jogging up the hallway towards him, and that didn't really wasn't much better than gossiping nurses.

"Dr. Stevens," Derek acknowledges. "What can I do for you?"

Slightly out of breath, she told him, "I just wanted to let you know that Meredith had her first appointment this morning."

Derek narrowed his eyes. "Please tell me that you are not the reason everyone in the hospital is talking about her."

"No, I didn't tell anyone," Izzie promised in a way that Derek couldn't help but believe her. "I'm just telling you because I think you should talk to her. She really needs support."

His demeanor towards her softened immediately. Anyone with Meredith's best interest in mind was a friend of his. Although, he was surprised that Izzie was being so kind to him; the rest of Meredith's friends looked at him like him was dirt under their shoes. He wondered how much Izzie knew.

"Thank you, Izzie," he said in a gentle dismissal.

"Yep. See you around." She nearly skipped away down the hallway, and Derek had to shake his head at how light and happy she could be. When his life was falling apart, it was hard for him to grasp that other people could be perfectly happy.

He didn't see Meredith until that evening in the front lobby when she crashed completely into him, sending all her belongings to the floor.

"Meredith." Derek caught her gently with an arm around her waist when she stumbled into him. The lengths of their bodies were pressed closely together for a brief moment, and he couldn't help but close his eyes and bite back a moan. He let go and stepped away the moment she regained her balance, but the contact still left him reeling.

"Sorry," she muttered, meeting his eyes, before looking down at the floor in a way that broke his heart.

"No problem. I guess you shouldn't walk and text, huh," he teased.

A fleeting smile graced her lips, and Derek took satisfaction in the small victory before kneeling down on the floor to help pick up her things. He flipped opened her phone, and examined the screen.

"It looks like this survived," he announced handing it back to her.

She took it back, and shoved it into her pocket before working to stuff everything back into the monstrous bag she called a purse.

"Oh, I have something for you," she said softly as Derek put lip-gloss and a pen back into her bag.

Meredith opened a folder that had been in her bag and handed Derek a piece of paper. He frowned at the fuzzy black and white image, and then gasped slightly when he realized what he was looking at.

"Oh my God, Meri." Derek couldn't take his eyes off this image of his child. The quality was poor and the developing baby had a head that was almost bigger than its body, but to Derek it was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen.

"I know," she whispered, in a way that reminded Derek of the way she used to speak to him. "Everything is perfect so far. And he has fingers."

"He does have fingers." Derek paused for a moment. "He?"

"Or she," Meredith clarified. "I just don't like saying it."

Derek smiled, and took one last long look at the picture, before reluctantly handing it back to her.

"Keep it. I had a copy printed for you."

Tear prickled his eyes, and he blinked quickly as his vision blurred. "Thank you."

"Whatever." The distance was back, and Meredith brushed her hands over her knees has she stood from the floor. Derek stood also, and picked up her jacket and bag, handing both items back to her.

"Meredith, we have the most beautiful baby in the world."

She nodded, and Derek's heart melted at the maternal way her hand went to her stomach, her fingers running over the spot where their baby lay safely.

"Bye," she said suddenly, and turned to hurry out the door.

Derek returned the word, but she was already out of earshot. Pain gripped in a way that almost physically hurt. This was supposed to be one of the happiest times of his life. He had wanted a baby forever, and now the most perfect baby was growing inside the perfect woman, and he couldn't even come to her appointments or sleep with his hand over her stomach. And this baby. No matter how excited he was, Derek could avoid the fact that this baby had been conceived on the day he had killed his best friend, and in a way that had made his wife stop looking at him. There was a small part of Derek that was terrified he would resent his child.

Trying to take away the negativity, Derek looked down at the image once again. The baby was just perfect.

As Derek turned to walk back to the elevator, a crumbled piece of paper caught his eyes. It must have fallen with the rest of Meredith's things, and he picked it up to throw it away. He quickly flattened it to back sure it wasn't anything important, and when he saw the words all the negativity came spiraling back and his vision blurred again, this time with tears that he knew couldn't just be blinked back.

_Adam's Divorce _

_206-897-0945_

_This can't be happening._


	20. Chapter 20

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Derek lifted his head from his hands, and looked down at his beeping pager. He groaned when he realized why he was being paged. The monthly check-in meeting with the board was one of his most annoying responsibilities as chief of surgery, and with everything that had been going over the past month he had completely forgotten.

Shuffling his paperwork, Derek hid the scrap of paper he had been staring at under a pile of forms he had to sign. It contained the information for the divorce attorney and as much as he hated himself for it, everyday he had been pulling it out and staring at it, wondering at every turn if he was going to be served. It was certainly something he deserved. A part of him knew it would be best to talk to Meredith up front, but over the past five days since he had found the note he had barely seen her.

As he stood up to go, Meredith's ultrasound picture caught his eye from where it sat propped up against a 'Prestigious Hospital of the Year' award. Gently, he reached out to touch the image as he had nearly a hundred times since he had gotten it. A sad smile came to his lips; as much as he already loved his unborn child, he couldn't help the bitterness he felt at the circumstances. There was no avoiding the fact that the baby was a product of rape, no matter how much Derek wished to forget it was true.

Beyond that, Derek already felt shut out of his baby's life. He was barely speaking to Meredith, and because of that he didn't know anything. She had said that everything was going well, but Derek hadn't been there to hear the heartbeat, to hear the doctor say that their baby was developing normally. He didn't even know who the doctor was. Because he could count, he knew the baby would be born in the springtime, but he didn't know the exact due date. He didn't get to cross off the days with Meredith, to worry about getting all the preparations done on time. He wasn't going to be painting a nursery or buying a car seat or any of the other things that one is supposed to do once they hear they are expecting their first child.

His pager rang again, distracting him from his thoughts. Derek sighed, wondering if he was ever going to get to see his child. As he thought about it, he was suddenly struck with a realization.

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Meredith lay back in Cristina's bed, eating ice cream out of a half gallon container. There was some movie playing on TV that she had yet to identify, but the majority of her attention was focused on the copy of _What to Expect When You're Expecting _that Izzie had brought over to her that morning in a pile of baby books.

For the first time that week she had a full day off, and the extra time had made her realize exactly how much preparation a baby required. She needed to get diapers, clothes, a car seat, and most importantly a house, and there was now a six and a half month limit on her time to get everything done. And that was only if her baby didn't decide to come early.

She looked up when the front door opened, and a few moments later Cristina appeared in the doorway.

"Hey," Meredith offered.

Cristina made a noise that could be described as a grunt in response and flopped onto her side of the bed, setting a small bag down on the far side of the bed. It didn't seem as though Cristina was up for conversation, so Meredith when back to reading about the things her body would go through as she entered her second trimester.

Cristina reached over for her ice cream, and Meredith handed her a spoonful. She ate it, and made a face, handing it back, and Meredith happily took another bite off her strawberry cheesecake crumble ice cream.

"What are we watching?" Cristina asked after a few minutes.

"I have no idea. You can change it if you want."

Cristina reached for remote and flipped through a few channels before turning off the TV with a sigh. "There is never anything on at this time of day."

Meredith lifted her eyes from her book to actually focus on her best friend for a while. "How was your shift?"

She shrugged. "I had a few scheduled surgeries, but nothing exciting came in. I'm on-call for the rest of the evening, though, so we'll see."

Meredith nodded. It was one of the many advantages of being an attending. Instead of waiting around in the pit doing sutures in hope of a good incoming case, they got to go home, and if anything good came they were the one who got to do the surgeries.

"_What to Expect_." Cristina snorted. "Didn't you go to med school?" For once, though, it sounded like she was just teasing, not making biting comments on Meredith's decision, and it was a welcome change.

Meredith smiled. "I guess the developing fetus part was a review, but we sure didn't cover moodiness, horniness, and cravings at Dartmouth."

"Huh," Cristina said rather thoughtfully, eyeing the cover off the book.

With a yawn, Meredith stretched into the pillows, laying her book down on her stomach.

"Holy shit, Mer!" Cristina exclaimed.

"What?" Meredith frowned at her in confusion.

"Woah, lift up that book right now," Cristina demanded.

Still confused, Meredith followed the order. "What are you freaking out about?"

"Damn, Meredith, you look _pregnant!_"

Meredith looked down at her stomach, finally realizing what Cristina was talking about. At work her scrubs hid it well, and lately she had been so tired that she had been wearing t-shirts and sweats as her street clothes. Today though, she had on a tighter shirt, and the way she was laying made it stretch closely along her skin, showing off the definite roundness that was just beginning to show up in her midsection.

"Yeah, I noticed," Meredith responded, bringing her hand down to stroke down her stomach. It was new enough to still amaze her, and the growth had helped her to realize that she was to be responsible for a baby very soon.

"Wow," Cristina said softly. "This kind of makes it real."

"I know," Meredith sighed in response. "And the book says that I'll be able to feel her in a little less than two months."

Cristina looked surprised. "A girl?"

"Maybe a boy." Meredith smiled; it was nice to be able to talk about the baby in a way that wasn't painful. "I'm going to wait, I think. It seems like a nice surprise."

"Well, you are having a boy. I know it."

Meredith raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yeah, and I'll be putting money down on that soon. We can split the winnings if you want, I mean, you are the one shoving that kid out," she offered.

Laughing genuinely for the first time, Meredith said, "You can keep the money, but just don't bet with Alex. He's my OB, and once we can tell the sex, I'm making him promise not to tell anyone, but he would never let you win a bet if he knew."

"Thanks, but I've got this one," Cristina told her confidently. "In fact I'm so sure, I got you're gift done in blue." She swung the bag she had brought in between them, and pulled out a little box decorated with blue and pink rocking horses.

"Wh – What?" Meredith stuttered, in absolute shock. She had been surprised that Cristina had brought up the baby at all, but to present a gift without Burke's urging seemed entirely uncharacteristic.

"Well, it's not like I'm going to be mad if it's a girl; I'll love the kid either way. And there is no rule that says girls can't wear blue. I wear blue all the time, and I am not going to let you drown the kid in pink if it is a girl. When Rachael was born I just about threw up when I saw what Barbie had -"

Meredith almost pinched herself to make sure she wasn't dreaming. Sitting up, she set her ice cream and her book on the bedside table, and looked straight at Cristina.

"You're going to love the baby? And you brought a present?"

Cristina gave her one of her famous 'I can't believe you are actually asking me that' expressions, and thrust the box into Meredith's hands.

"You're my person," Cristina explained. "And even if I don't agree with your decision, I'm obviously going to love the baby and support you and defend you from all the evil, gossiping nurses and, because it's you, I'll even babysit. So yeah, I supporting you and I bought a present because that's what supportive people do."

Meredith blinked back tears as her vision became blurry. Somehow, even through the careless tone, Cristina had said exactly what Meredith had needed to hear, and made the whole baby thing one hundred times easier.

"Do not cry on me, Mer," Crisitna demanded. "I may be being supportive, but that does not include tears."

Smiling a little, Meredith brushed away a few tears that she hadn't been able to stop from falling, and muttered, "hormones," as an explanation.

"Open the box," Cristina urged.

After taking a moment to regain control of her emotions, Meredith lifted the lid off the box. What lay inside almost made her start to cry again, and she carefully lifted the tiny bib out of the box.

True to Cristina's word, the embroidery was stitched in blue, and read _Baby Grey-Shepard _in a delicate, loopy stitch.

"Cristina, it's beautiful."

"No," she corrected, "It's powerful. Did you see the picture?"

Meredith looked to the stitched figure she was referring to and bite back a laugh. "Oh my god, is that a scalpel?"

"Hell yes, it's a scalpel. This kid is going to be the greatest surgeon ever one day, and he has to know it early."

Shaking her head in disbelief, Meredith traced over the image, unable to suppress her smile. This was by far the sweetest thing Cristina had ever done for her.

"I hope the name's okay," Cristina said. "I wasn't sure how you were going to do that, and I can have it redone it you want _Shepard _off of it. I wouldn't blame you."

Meredith shook her head. "No, it's his baby too. He'll be a Shepard no matter what I name him."

"I figured." Cristina lay back down on the bed. "Give me some of that ice cream before it melts."

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Derek walked out of the meeting with the board feeling lighter than he had since the day of Mark's death. For the first time in a long time, he was sure he had done the right thing. By this time next month, Burke would be replacing him as Chief and he would be replacing Nugan as head of neurology.

It was as it should be. He would have less paperwork, and more surgeries, but more importantly, he would have more time to focus on the things that really mattered. Like his baby. Derek had resolved to be fully involved in this child's life, no matter what the situation with the mother was. He was going to be the father who made it to every recital, every game.

Derek had come to the realization that this could very well be the only opportunity he ever got to be a father, and from here on out circumstances were not going to interfere with this baby. He was in this one hundred percent. And that meant that he was going to start designing a nursery right at that moment.


	21. Chapter 21

Derek glanced at the screen of his phone to see who was calling him, and reluctantly answered. He had been avoiding this call for a week, and he was going to have to take it eventually.

"Hello," he answered.

"Derek!" the voice exclaimed. "You've finally quit avoiding my phone calls. Why is it that Kathleen got an email last week saying that you and Meredith aren't coming out here for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year?"

"Mom." Derek suppressed a groan. "It's just really complicated and it's not going to work this year."

"I have not seen my only son in almost a year! A year, Derek! You and Meredith didn't even come out here for Mark's funeral. And now you say, it's complicated. Derek, what is going on?" his mother demanded.

Derek let out a breath and tried to come up with something to say.

"It's not like you can't get the time off," his mother continued. "You're the chief of surgery, for goodness sake."

"Actually," Derek found himself saying to avoid getting yelled at more. "By Thanksgiving I won't be the chief."

"What?" his mother exclaimed. "Oh my gosh, honey, what happened?"

"I gave up the position," he explained simply.

"For what?"

There was no way he could hold back the news. "I'm going to be a father."

"Oh, Derek, that's wonderful," his mother gushed. "You must be thrilled. How's Meredith feeling? When is she due?"

"Sometime this spring, probably April."

"Oh, honey, I'm so happy for you. But the baby isn't your problem, is it? Derek, tell me what going on."

"Mom," Derek sighed. "Let's just focus on the good."

"Derek . . ."

"I'm being paged, mom, I've got to go," Derek said suddenly. "I love you."

He hung up the phone, feeling bad for cutting off his mother, but knowing he had to escape the conversation. There was no way he was ready to confess all his marital problems to his mother when he had hardly come to terms with them himself.

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Meredith looked away from the newspaper she was examining when her phone rang, but she hit ignore and shoved it back in her pocket when she saw who was calling.

"Who was that?"

Meredith glanced up at Cristina was had just put a cafeteria tray down on the table across from her. "Derek's mother."

Cristina snorted. "That is a good one to pass up. What are you reading?"

"You are just full of questions. I'm looking for an apartment," she informed her.

"An apartment," Cristina said with surprise. "Why?"

"Well, I can't live with you and Burke forever. The poor man has been sleeping on the couch for almost three months. And I'm going to be adding another one pretty soon." Meredith had plans to go shopping with Izzie that evening for baby things, and it occurred to her that she would need somewhere to put everything; there was no way a crib was fitting into Cristina and Burke's apartment.

"I guess you do need a place," Cristina granted. "But why not get McDouchebag to give you back the house?"

Meredith frowned at Derek's latest nickname, but didn't comment. "Because I'm not going to live by myself in the middle of nowhere with a baby. It's going to be enough of a challenge not to kill her as it is."

"Him, Mer," Cristina corrected.

"Whatever. My point is I need a place and I want a smallish apartment close to the hospital. It will be best for both of us," she justified. "I've got to go."

Meredith picked up her empty tray and dumped her trap before running off to make sure her intern had prepped her patient for surgery.

Cristina sat by herself flipping through the newspaper Meredith had abandoned. If Meredith was really leaving, she could at least help by making sure that she found a place that was good enough for a single mother with a more than demanding career to raise a baby.

"I have news," Burke said as a way of greeting as he sat down at the table.

"Me too," she cut in. "You'll be happy to hear that Mer is looking for an apartment, so once she finds a place we'll be able to have sex at home again."

Burke looked mildly surprised, and was momentarily distracted from what he had been going to say. "And I'll have a bed again, so that's a plus. She's ready, isn't she?"

"Probably," Cristina mumbled around a half-chewed pretzel. "At least until she's too pregnant to be left alone."

"Hmm," Burke murmured thoughtfully.

"What were you going to tell me?" she reminded him after a minute.

"Oh right." Burke paused. "The board just offered me Chief of Surgery."

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"I hate it," Meredith announced as she and Izzie examined a mahogany nursery set.

"Meredith," Izzie groaned. "You haven't even looked at it. I mean, its stable." She shook the crib gently to prove her point. "The changing table is the right height, and it has these nice little . . ."

Meredith cut her off. "I don't like the color. Or the design. The crib looks way too much like a prison when the bars are cut like that."

"Okay," Izzie sighed. "A reason. That's progress."

Meredith felt bad when she saw that Izzie was growing impatient. She had her own family, she worked an extremely demanding job, and yet she was still willing to spend a precious night off helping Meredith shop for the baby.

"I'm sorry, Iz. It's just, isn't it a little early to be doing this?"

"Well, yeah," Izzie admitted. "But our jobs keep us super busy, so it's better to get this done before your eight months pregnant and you don't even own a car seat, let alone have a nursery designed. And we need furniture to coordinate the paint."

"Okay," Meredith agreed. Izzie's explanation made a lot of sense. And with all the problems in her life it would help to be on top of one thing. She had just over six months, and that was really beginning to sound like not very long.

"So do you have anything in mind," Izzie asked.

"Well …" Meredith reflected on all the designs she had rejected. "I'm kind of thinking white."

Izzie gave her a signature bubbly smile. "Great. I saw some white over here."

Meredith trailed behind Izzie, but was suddenly stopped when a white set caught her eye. She abandoned the path Izzie was following, and walked over to the white crib, changing table, dresser, and rocking chair set. Meredith approached the crib, gently laying her hand on the top bar. The design feature rounded corners and rounded bars, and there was a swirled design on the headboard of the crib.

"Mer?" Izzie had realized that she was no longer being followed and approached where Meredith stood. "Oh, this is beautiful."

"Yeah," Meredith breathed, staring into the empty crib, adorned with a blue and white checkered theme.

At that moment, the crib was empty, but Meredith could almost picture herself standing over a tiny, sleeping baby. Her and Derek's baby. She could almost see it. She could almost imagine laying her baby on the changing table to count ten tiny toes; could almost feel herself rocking her swaddled infant to sleep. This was as real as it had ever felt, and the sensation was both terrifying and exciting.

"Is this what you would like to purchase, sir?"

Meredith was jerked from her daydream by the chipper voice of a saleslady, and she drew in a sharp gasp when she saw who was purchasing the furniture she had just fallen in love with.

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Derek felt himself grinning with excitement when he announced to a saleslady that he had found the furniture for his baby's nursery. It was perfect; made of high quality wood, but with a delicate look that made it seem like it belonged in a baby's room.

When the set came within eyesight, he saw two other women standing over the crib, and he had to fight to keep breathing when he realized exactly who they were.

"Is this what you would like to purchase, sir?"

He couldn't answer because suddenly Meredith was looking up at him, her blue eyes filled with shock. She was standing in his nursery; exactly where she belonged. Derek couldn't speak and he couldn't look away.

"Sir?" the woman asked when he didn't respond.

Derek cleared his throat and managed to draw his attention away from Meredith. "Um, yes, this is it."

"Okay." She scribbled down some notes in her little notebook. "If you'll just follow me to the front . . ."

"Could I have a moment?"

"Of course. I'll meet you at the register."

Derek barely heard her response, as all of his attention was focused again on Meredith. He couldn't stop staring. After looking all through the store, he had found the most perfect nursery set, and that perfection had just been increased a tenfold now that the love of his life, the woman carrying his unborn child, was standing there, apparently admiring the exact same thing.

"I picked this out," she suddenly blurted out.

"Yeah, me too," he responded, realizing how stupid it sounded once the words left his mouth.

They were silent again. Derek detected Izzie Stevens to Meredith's left, who was standing and observing them, uncharacteristically quiet. He couldn't bring himself to care. Meredith looked . . . beautiful. He hadn't seen her out of the hospital since the surgical banquet, and he couldn't stop admiring the way her blond hair flowed around her shoulders in loose curls, begging him to run his fingers through it.

He tried and failed to stop himself from looking down her body. The fitted long sleeve shirt she was wearing outline her body in a way that scrubs never could, and he couldn't stop himself from admiring the curves of her breasts. He swore she was bigger and sporting curves he had never seen. And her stomach. He bit in a gasp when he realized that she actually looked pregnant. The curve was just barely there, and was only noticeable because she was so slight. He doubted that he would have noticed if he hadn't spent hours of his life learning every curve of her body. But he had, and he could definitely tell.

"How are you feeling?" Derek asked after the long moment of silence, forcing his eyes away from the evidence that his child was growing to look into her beautiful eyes.

"Pretty good," she said quietly.

"That's good." He inwardly curved that fact that this was so awkward. "How's the baby?" he asked after another pause.

"He's good too."

Derek watched as her hand cradled her stomach, and he couldn't stop his smile.

"Are you going to find out the sex?" Derek suddenly realized he had a million questions for her. He wanted to know everything about their baby.

She shook her head. "I think I want to be surprised." She bit her lip and looked up at him, as if for approval.

"Definitely." He gave her a genuine smile. "It's the best surprise there is."

The smile she returned to him made his heart flutter. "Yeah."

"Can we talk sometime?" he suddenly asked. "We have a lot of things to work out."

"Um, yeah, I guess." The eye contact was lost, and she looked down at her feet. "I have an appointment with Alex Friday at ten. Do you want to come?"

"Alex?" he asked in confusion.

"He's my OB," she clarified.

"Oh. Oh!" he exclaimed when he realized when she was offering. "Really, Meredith? I can come?"

"Uh, yeah, I mean, it's your baby too."

He couldn't stop grinning. "Alright, Friday at ten."

"Okay."

"Okay."

It was quickly becoming awkward, and Derek knew he had to tear himself away from her before he made her uncomfortable and she revoked her offer.

"Well, I better get going," he told her.

"Okay," she repeated. "I'm going to buy this, then go."

He offered her a smile. "It's the best set in the store," he assured her.

"I know."

He smiled at her one last time, before turning to leave. Before he got two steps away, he turned back as he realized that he had one question that couldn't wait until Friday.

"Meredith, when are you due?"

Her hand returned to her stomach in the maternal way he just couldn't get enough of. "April 5th."

"April 5th," he repeated with a smile. "April 5th."

Giving her a little wave, he finally forced himself to leave, but with a happiness that surpassed even the euphoric feeling he had experienced on his way over to buy the furniture. He was going to be a father on April 5th.

**Yeah, I have no idea how I got another update done so fast. Sorry I abandoned this story for so long; I was just so busy with everything that I couldn't think about it, and then after a while it never occured to me to update. I'm trying to update more consistently, but everytime I say that I don't update for a long time, so I think I'll just say I'll update when I update. Hopefully I'll do my other story too, but I've been really caught up in all my ideas for this one lately; it's a lot of fun to write. **

**Please, please review. I don't like to beg, but it makes me sad when no one gives me feedback.**


	22. Chapter 22

Derek tapped his foot up and down nervously and tried to ignore the way the nurses kept looking at him and whispering to each other. It had been going on for so long that he was almost immune to it, but when he was already nervous it was driving him to the brink of insanity. He glanced at his watch. A quarter past ten. Meredith had said Friday at ten, and now she was no where to be seen.

The nurses were whispering again and Derek looked away, trying to ignore it. The whispers had been following him around the hospital since the day after the banquet when the rumors of the broken marriage had gotten out. Meredith's pregnancy had only increased it by a tenfold.

"Hey."

Meredith's voice commanded his immediate attention, and he stood up to face her as she got of the elevator, looking slightly out of breath and still wearing her lavender scrub cap.

"Surgery?" he asked.

"Yeah. A frontal lobe tumor," she explained. "Should you know that, Chief?"

Derek ran a hand through his hair in discomfort. He had yet to tell anyone that he was stepping down, save for Burke, but he was now down to his last two weeks as Chief and he had been slowing turning responsibilities over to his replacement. He knew he had to tell Meredith before the gossip mill informed her, but now was not the time.

"Um, yeah, I guess I forgot," he mumbled as an excuse. "But how are you and the baby?" he asked, changing tones completely.

"We're good." She bit her lip.

They stood nervously together for a minute before Meredith suddenly said, "Appointment. We're late."

Derek watched her go up to the nurse's station and ask for Dr. Karev. She was pointed to an exam room down the hallway, and she gestured for Derek to follow as she walked to the room.

Alex greeted Meredith as she walked in the room. He didn't notice Derek and the lack of acknowledgment left Derek hanging in the doorway, uncertain as to whether or not he was welcome into the room. He watched as Meredith hopped up onto the exam table and pulled of her scrub cap, clawing out the ponytail binder that kept her hair tucked up and into the cap. She ran her fingers through her hair to tease it into the usual waves.

"I just want to start with some general questions about your health," Alex started, still not realizing that there was someone who was watching the every move of his patient.

Derek shuffled awkwardly, and Meredith glanced over at him. Alex finally noticed the extra witness, and whispered something to Meredith with a frown on his face. Meredith responded and laid her hand on his shoulder in a reassuring manner.

"You can sit down there," Alex said gruffly, gesturing to a chair on the wall adjacent to the exam table.

Without responding, Derek made his way over to the chair and sat down.

"Okay, back to your health," Alex started. "Have you had any cramping or bleeding?"

Meredith shook her head, and Derek found himself only half listening to Alex's questions, instead focusing on the woman who was still officially his wife.

Alex scribbled a note on her chart as he finished up his final question. "Alright, everything sounds good. I know we just did an ultrasound a couple weeks ago, but now that you are officially in your second trimester, I want to check everything out again."

Meredith nodded. "I want to see him again."

Smiling Alex handed her a gown. "It's still a little early to determine the sex, but Cristina tells me you don't want to know anyways."

"That's right. So, is your money on boy or girl?" Meredith gave him an impish grin.

Sheepishly, Alex admitted, "I put fifty on girl, but I promise I won't tell anyone or change my bet once we can tell."

Meredith giggled, and Alex stepped into the hallway so she could change, and Derek quickly got up to follow.

"I'm surprised to see you here," Alex told Derek in the hallway, not bothering to hide the accusation in his tone.

"She invited me," Derek said mildly. "Afterwards we have some things to discuss."

"Hmm." After a pause, Alex said, "Hurt her or that baby and you're dead."

Derek nodded, and their conversation was ended by Meredith yelling for them to come back in.

Back in the room, Alex fiddled with the settings on the machine. "So, we'll see if we can find a heartbeat today, but it's still early, so don't worry at all if we can't find one. Sometimes we don't detect one until eighteen weeks, and you've barely reached sixteen."

Meredith nodded, and Alex spread a paper blanket over her legs before lifting her gown to expose her stomach. Derek marveled at the size of it. Under her scrubs he still couldn't tell but right now her skin was clearly stretched and it was all he could do not to run his hand over the place where his little one was growing.

"This might be cold," Alex murmured as he ran the gel-covered wand over her belly.

As Alex carefully examined the monitor, keeping it turned away from them, Derek couldn't tear his eyes away from Meredith. She appeared almost serene, and was watching as Derek moved the wand over her stomach, one hand brushing against the side where the gel hadn't been placed.

"Okay," Alex said after a few minutes. "Everything looks great. Take a look at your baby, and then we'll see about that heartbeat."

Derek stood up and went to stand next to Meredith when Alex swiveled the monitor towards her. The baby had grown. In almost three weeks, the body and head had become more in proportion and the fingers were extending and losing the webbed appearance they had sported before.

"Oh, Alex, can we have pictures?" Meredith pleaded.

"Of course." He pressed a few buttons on the machine. "Two copies?"

"Actually, could you make it three?" Derek requested. He looked at Meredith. "I told my mother, and I'm sure she'll like to see."

Meredith nodded, and when she looked directly into his eyes for the first time in weeks, he read the many questions in the stormy blue green sea. There was so much they had to talk about. He had questions too; the divorce number had not left his mind, although he was no longer wary of being served each time he turned a corner.

"Alright, heartbeat." Alex adjusted a few setting on the machine and moved the wand around on Meredith's stomach. "Right there," he suddenly murmured, and he hit a button and suddenly the room was filled with the soft whooshing of a fetal heartbeat.

"Oh my gosh!" Meredith exclaimed, and in her excitement the sound was momentarily lost until Alex readjusted the wand. "Derek," she said much more calmly. "That's our baby's heart."

He gave her a warm, loving smile. "It is, Meri, and it's the most beautiful sound I've ever heard."

"Yeah." She relaxed visibly and closed her eyes, and the three of them were silent for a few minutes, listening to the sound of a miracle.

"Okay, Mer, I'm going to turn it off," Alex announced.

The reluctance was clear in her nod, and Derek completely understood how she felt. He wanted to listen to his baby forever and ever. He couldn't wait to hold her in his arms.

"Wait!" Derek suddenly cried before Alex turned off the machine. He reached into his pocket for his cell phone and fumbled for the recording mode. "I want to listen to this again."

"Oh, that's such a good idea," Meredith gushed. "Put it on mine too."

Derek picked up her scrub pants from the chair and fished the phone out of the pocket. They were silent again as Derek recorded the sound, and after almost a minute, he snapped the phones shut and handed Meredith's back to her.

"Alright, I've got to run," Alex said as he shut down the machines and wiped the gel off of Meredith's little belly. "Grey, I want you back here in four weeks. Normally, I'd say six at this point, but I knew your schedule and your life isn't exactly stress free."

"Okay," Meredith agreed.

"We need this baby to cook for a lot longer, so you need to make sure you're watching your hours. Nothing more than twenty four, and even that's pushing it."

"Don't worry. I mysteriously haven't had a shift longer than twelve hours since this one found out about the baby." She gestured to Derek.

He was a little surprised. He had been the one who had cut her hours, but he had tried to be subtle about it, and hadn't realized she had noticed. In the past she would have a fit every time she suspected favoritism. The baby really had changed everything.

Alex gave Derek a long look and then a nod that gave a hint of approval. Turning back to Meredith he said, "Good. You need to be well rested. You're pretty tiny, so this pregnancy will probably put more stress on your body than it would on another woman."

"I know." She cradled her stomach. "And I want a healthy baby."

"Good. Get changed; I'm off to surgery, but find me whenever if you need anything. Everything looks great though."

He ran out of the room, and Derek left so Meredith could change. A couple minutes later she met him in the hallway, and they stood there in awkward silence as they looked at each other. It was time to talk.

**This was ridiculously hard to write, and I'm not thrilled with the final product. Sorry about the length; I was going to include the talk, but it was taking me forever, and I wanted to give you guys something. I hope you somewhat enjoy. Please review.**


	23. Chapter 23

The uncomfortable silence they were experiencing outside of the exam room was broken by a nurse who came over to them with the ultrasound pictures.

"Here you go, Dr. Shepherd." She handed the pictures to Derek and smiled at Meredith. "Congratulations."

They both smiled in acknowledgement. As she walked away, Derek handed Meredith a picture, and she accepted it eagerly, wanting to see their baby again. The first picture was still in her purse, and she pulled it out multiple times a day. She was sure it would be the same with this one. She just couldn't get enough of the baby; it was amazing that he was growing in her stomach.

"Beautiful," Derek murmured, looking at her over the picture. "Isn't this amazing?"

"Yeah. We're going to have a baby really soon. It hardly seems real."

"I know, but it is, so we should talk about a few things. Want to get some real food somewhere?" he suggested.

Meredith thought about whether or not she could get away while on shift. She was going to be with the Chief, so obviously she wouldn't be punished, she just had to consider her responsibilities towards her patients.

"I suppose so," she said after a pause. "I don't have surgery until three and my resident is monitoring my patients."

With a grin, he said, "Perks of being an attending, huh?"

Returning the smile, she nodded.

"Alright." Derek switched to the tone he always used when he was planning something. "Let's change and meet in the lobby in a few minutes. I think the rule is that the person growing a baby gets to pick the place."

She couldn't help but giggle a little. "I'll think about it," she promised.

"Okay, I'll see you in a few."

They parted, and Meredith walked into her office to change into her street clothes. She really wasn't looking forward to this little outing, but they needed to start talking sooner rather than later. It was for the baby's sake.

It was still so uncomfortable to be around Derek. It wasn't that she feared him; in fact the opposite was true. Maybe it was Cristina's influence, but Meredith was feeling that maybe she was being a bit too forgiving of Derek's actions. This baby didn't take away the rape or redeem Derek in anyway. It would be far too easy to just let Derek back in, and Meredith just didn't feel that that was the right thing to do.

Pushing those thought back in her mind, she grabbed her purse and headed for the elevator. The reality of the situation was that she would have to talk to Derek about this. He was the father, like it or not, and he had the right to know everything about the baby.

Derek stood up from a chair in the lobby as she stepped out of the elevator.

"Hey, ready to go?" he asked as she approached him.

"Yep," she responded.

"And what is our little one hungry for?" He gave her a soft smile.

Meredith thought for a moment; she had forgotten to do so while she had been changing. "Umm, I think the baby wants Mexican. Yeah, definitely Mexican."

"Okay, Mexican it is. Would you rather go to the place downtown or by the water?"

"The place by the water is closer."

"And there's ferryboats." He gave a teasing smile that she just couldn't bring herself to return. It was too soon and too dangerous to fall back into the flirting.

"Okay," Derek said after a moment. "I can drive."

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Fifteen minutes later they were seated at a table for two along the windows overlooking the Puget Sound. The sky was its typical grey, but they still had a clear view of the ferryboats as they floated across the bay.

"Baby wants enchiladas," Meredith muttered, filling the silence as she looked over her menu. "And tacos. Oh, quesadillas!"

"Baby is hungry," Derek teased in what he hoped was a kind tone.

"Yeah, he loves non-hospital food. I'm going to get all three," she determined.

Derek raised an eyebrow. "I look forward to seeing you eat all that." He loved watching her stuff her face. It was adorable, and when she was hungry she would eat more than him. He never could figure out where she put it.

"Well, I'm hungry, and I want a variety," she defended.

Holding up a hand, Derek told her, "No judgment here; you're growing another person. But, if you want, I can order one of those things and share."

She paused for a moment. "You get the quesadillas. I don't want that as much."

The waitress came back to the table to take their orders, and it went by with only a raised eyebrow when Meredith order two full sized entrées. After she left they fell into silence reminiscent of the uncomfortable drive from the hospital to the restaurant.

For a moment, Derek stared at Meredith's hand as she played with the straw in her water glass, pinching the top and then lifting it above the water line to watch the water fall back into the glass.

"I have something to tell you," he said suddenly, breaking the silence.

She looked up expectantly, and Derek swallowed, finding his news suddenly a bit difficult to deliver.

"Well, this baby," he started. "I really want to be part of her life."

Meredith cut him off. "You will be. No matter what is going on with us, I still think you'll be a great dad, and I know from experience that no kid should grow up thinking their father doesn't care."

Derek felt the pang he always felt when she mentioned her childhood. She didn't deserve what she had gotten, and it wasn't fair that she felt everyone she loved abandoned or hurt her. The pang increased when Derek realized that he could once again be added to that count.

"Thank you, Meredith, that means a lot that you want me involved," he said honestly.

She shrugged. "What were you saying?"

"I want to be involved, and I felt that my job kept me way too busy." He paused when he realized that Meredith was looking at him with intense and renewed curiosity, and it took him a while to continue. "I've stepped down as Chief," he finally admitted.

"What?" Meredith exclaimed, standing up a little. She put both hands on the table and leaned over him, and Derek fought not to be distracted by the fact that her shirt was cut low enough that the way she was standing offered him a clear view of her cleavage. Her breasts were definitely larger, no question.

"I gave up Chief," he repeated, looking up into her eyes. "Next week Burke will have taken over all my duties and I will be Head of Department again."

"What?" Meredith repeated. "Are you kidding? That was your dream!"

"Meredith, it's just a job. Sit down and relax."

She ignored him, and continued standing over him in a way that was somehow really intimidating. "Derek, why would you do that?"

"Meredith," he repeated calmly. "It's not that big of a deal to me. I wasn't thrilled with the job anyways; too much paperwork, not enough surgery."

"But it was your dream," she insisted, although she finally sat back down.

"A baby is a much bigger dream than a job." It felt good to admit it; he knew he had done the right thing. "I'm going to have more time to spend with him. I want to be the parent who goes to every game and recital and everything."

Meredith looked at her water glass once again. "I didn't realize how much you cared," she said softly.

"Of course I care," Derek assured her gently. "How can you think that I don't?"

What could have become a deeper conversation was interrupted by the arrival of their food, and Derek got the amusing pleasure of watching Meredith devour her enchiladas before he had even finished an eighth of his quesadillas.

"Hungry?" he teased when she finally paused in her eating.

She nodded exuberantly. "I haven't eaten in hours."

"You should be eating whenever you're hungry," he recommended.

"I know," she told him. "But I was in surgery and then at the appointment; I didn't have time."

"It's okay," Derek said immediately, not wanting her to get the idea that he didn't think she was fully capable of meeting their baby's nutritional needs. "So, I've started converting the empty room into a nursery," he informed her, changing the subject.

"Cool," she responded though a mouthful of taco. "I found an apartment, and I'm moving in next month. It has a room for the baby."

Derek was genuinely surprised. "An apartment?"

"Well, I can't live with Cristina and Burke forever. Burke's been on the couch," she explained, reaching across the table to take a triangle of quesadilla off of his plate and swiping the little dish of guacamole without even asking permission. Not that he would ever have denied her anything.

"Do you want the house, Meredith?" Derek had to ask. His guilt ran deep and he would do anything for her at this point. If she said yes, he'd be out the next day, even if it meant sleeping in his car.

"No." She swallowed a mouthful of cheese. "I don't want to live out there alone."

"You're sure?"

"Definitely. This place is just a couple blocks from Cristina and close to hospital. It's nice." She seemed completely sincere.

"Okay, but if you ever change your mind, the house is yours."

She reached over the table again for his food and Derek lifted up his plate a little to give her easier access.

"So the baby . . ." Meredith started.

"Our perfect baby," Derek responded. He couldn't resist reaching in his bag and pulling out his phone. He pressed buttons until the whooshing sound filled the air. "Isn't that the best thing you've ever heard?"

Meredith grinned right back at him, and for once it was not forced or regretted. "It is. We have such an advanced baby. A heartbeat like that at sixteen weeks. That's pretty impressive."

"Yes it is."

"Derek, I don't really know," she started again. "I mean, you can see the baby, I won't ever keep you away. Can we just work it out ourselves once he's born?"

"Of course," Derek said sincerely. He was secretly thrilled that they weren't working through messy words like divorce, custody, and child support. If she hadn't mentioned divorce yet, maybe there was hope for them.

They finished their meal with a light discussion of the rare neurological case that was coming in the next week and how Nugan would react when he heard that Derek would be taking his job. He had sulked for weeks after the surgical banquet when the whole hospital had heard that Derek had offered Meredith his job, and this probably wouldn't be much different.

When the waitress came back with the bill, Derek pulled out his credit card before Meredith had the chance.

"Derek, I can get my part," she insisted.

"It's fine. Besides, it is definitely worth getting to watch you eat that much food," he teased. She had eaten both of the meals she had ordered, and additionally a quarter of Derek's quesadillas. He had seen her eat a lot in the past, but this was probably the most.

Instead of smiling, Meredith looked down at her lap. "Am I that fat already?" she muttered bitterly.

_Crap. _Derek immediately realized his fatal mistake. He had broken the number one pregnant woman etiquette rule; never make jokes about the weight gain or the hormones. He had always teased Meredith about how much she ate, and she was so tiny that it seemed ridiculous that she would be sensitive about her weight.

"Meredith, no, of course not," he assured her profusely. He handed the waitress his card when she approached there table. "I really can't even tell. You look great."

"I've gained almost ten pounds," she confessed.

"Really?" Derek was genuinely surprised. He never would have guessed more than five. Although he had lost the right to say so, the pounds sat well on her. She looked healthier and curvier and altogether more beautiful. "Meredith, I'm really sorry I said that. You need to be eating that much, and I shouldn't have teased you. And even if you are gaining weight, it's because you're pregnant, not because you're fat."

"Whatever," she sighed. "Can we just go?"

"Yep." He tucked his returned credit card back into his wallet, and stood up. "Let's go save some lives."

She gave him a slight smile. "Is it bad if I'm hoping for a big trauma case this afternoon?"

"No way. That just means you're a surgeon; I mean, you cut people open for a living."

She giggled. "Yeah, and I love it."

Derek relaxed a little, soaking in the sound of her laugh. Lunch today had been more than successful. It had made him confident that even though she was pulling away they had a fighting chance. And he would be there for her whenever she was willing to give it another shot.

**This went so much better than the first half. I hope everyone enjoys. Please give me comments, thoughts, and suggestions in the form of a review.**


	24. Chapter 24

For Meredith, the holiday season passed by almost unobserved

For Meredith, the holiday season passed by almost unobserved. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas she moved into her new apartment with the help of all of her friends. By Christmas day, she was nearly settled, and she spent the day with her friends at her mother's house as they all celebrated their right as Attendings to have the day off. They exchanged a few gifts, and Meredith was surprised to receive little things for the baby; sleepers, blankets, burp cloths, and toys all in the yellows and greens that society deemed either a boy or a girl could have. On December 26th she returned to Seattle Grace, content with the holiday season, and entering her fifth month of pregnancy with a rounded stomach that made her pregnancy obvious to anyone who saw her.

On the other hand, Derek spent the time before Christmas dodging questions from his family. He had yet to tell them about the situation with Meredith and intended to avoid it as long as possible, ideally forever. The day itself was spent alone walking around his land, wondering why he wasn't surrounded by his family, holding the hand of his glowing wife, and realizing that by this time next year they would have a six month old baby. But he was completely alone save for a short conversation with his whole family who was together at his mother's house in New York. All his sisters and his mother said they were coming to see the baby as soon as it was born. Derek figured he had another four months to talk them out of that one, but it would be difficult. He knew how the women in his family were when it came to babies.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

"Oh my god," Meredith groaned as she walked into the attending lounge.

"What?" Izzie was instantly by her side. "Are you okay? Is it the baby?"

"No, it's my freaking back," Meredith complained, arching her back. "Shit, is it like this the whole time?"

"Umm . . ." Avoiding the question, Izzie responded instead with, "Hey, you just hit twenty weeks! That means you've halfway there!" Her tone could almost be described as chipper.

Meredith groaned again, rubbing her shoulder blade. "This sucks."

"Meredith, are you okay?" a concerned and all too recognizable voice asked her.

Turning to where Derek stood in the doorway, Meredith responded, "Yeah, I'm fine, this baby is just out to destroy me. Look how huge I am!"

A soft smile crossed his face. "That's our baby."

"Yeah, and she's making me fat and uncomfortable," Meredith whinned.

Derek came closer to her. "Not fat, pregnant. You look great."

Meredith made a noise of doubt, but the way Derek was looking at her convinced her that he wasn't lying. It was clear that he still saw her as the most beautiful woman in the world, but she was thankful he wasn't making it awkward by saying anything along those lines. Things were not at that point.

"Are you scrubbing in on the Davis surgery?" he asked.

Meredith placed both of her hands on her lower back and groaned. "Yeah, I want to see that; it's a pretty rare case."

"It is," he agreed. "And the surgery is too delicate to have a resident assist, so it would be great to have you."

"Okay." Her face scrunched with pain.

With a concerned gaze, he stepped a little closer, but still didn't touch her. "Are you alright?"

"This baby is torturing me," she complained.

"Back?" he asked sympathetically.

She nodded, wincing again.

"Are you sure you'll be okay in surgery? I'll be fine alone if you're not up to it," he assured her.

"I'm fine." She kept herself from snapping, but her tone was definitely sharp.

He took a step back from her. "Okay. That's really great. Is there anything I can get you? Back massage?"

Meredith snorted, although she so wished she could take him up that that offer. He always gave her the best massages. "I'm good."

"Alright, my resident is doing the pre-op. Here's a copy of the procedure. I'll see you in surgery in an hour."

"Okay," Meredith agreed, taking the papers from him and glancing through them. The spinal tumor this patient had required removal in a manner that she had observed once, but never assisted on, so a little review would be necessary before she scrubbed in.

"Meredith," Derek said before he moved away from her.

"Hmm?" She looked up from the papers.

He gave her a smile that could only be called McDreamy. "You're halfway there."

She couldn't bring herself to respond and in the silence Derek turned and walked towards the door.

"Are you ever going to tell me?" Izzie asked quietly as Derek left the room.

Meredith looked over at her in surprise. She hadn't mentioned the situation between her and Derek in weeks, and Meredith had begun to think she had dropped it. Now though, it was apparent that she was still burning with curiosity, and had just somehow found a way to hold her tongue.

After a moment Meredith responded with, "I don't know," and left the room.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

Meredith held her hands under the hot water, letting it run through her fingers for a while before she scrubbed her hands. Her stomach pressed against the cold metal of the sink, reminding her of the additional life her body was responsible for.

Just as she reached for the soap, the door opened and Derek let himself into the room. Out of nowhere, Meredith was struck with a vivid memory.

_After taking a moment to watch the water run down her hand, Meredith reached for her lavender shampoo so she could finish her shower and make it to work on time. Suddenly, a warm body pressed against her from behind and two arms wrapped themselves tightly around her body. Losing her balance because of surprise, Meredith fell into him, and he took full advantage of the situation, bringing her ever closer to him._

_"Derek," Meredith whined. "You can't do this everyday."_

_He moved her wet hair to the side and nibbled on the top of her ear. "I don't do it everyday. I didn't yesterday." He dropped kisses from the top of her ear down her neck, and proceeded to suck and nip around the place where her neck connected to her shoulder._

_Her resistance was melting away at an alarming rate. Even the knowledge of the wrath she would have to face from Bailey if she was late for a third time that week was losing its deterrent power._

_"Derek, I'll get in trouble again," she protested._

_"Meri." His voice caressed her as his hands roamed her body, one cupping a breast and the other delving into the spot between her legs. "Let me show you how much I love you."_

_"You did last night. Twice." Her legs gave out when he slipped a finger inside of her, but he moved the hand from her breast and easily supported her with an arm around her waist._

_Slowly he moved the finger in and out of her, a second quickly joining the first. He pecked kisses up and down the wet skin of her neck, pulling away for only the time it took to say, "I can't get enough of you, Meri. I can't believe you're my wife."_

_The word wife was all it took to get her to give up on the battle she was already sure to lose. Moving his hands away, she spun in his arms, and kissed him deeply on the lips. "Ten minutes," she mumbled when she pulled away._

_"I can do that." He gave her a dreamy smile, and gently pushed her against the wall and proceeded to remind her that doing the bendy thing was totally worth being a little late._

Derek was suddenly reaching over her for the soap, and Meredith shook her head to stop the memory before she got too caught up in it. She was left shaken. Out of nowhere she was having vivid flashbacks to sex with Derek and it only took her a few moments to realize how badly she wanted sex. She hadn't gone this long without since before she had married Derek. Their honeymoon period had essentially lasted an entire year, and even after they had stopped being 'newlyweds' they still never had periods of abstinence longer than a week or so. At the same time though, she was not at all willing to have sex with Derek; the memory of the rape was still too raw and too painful.

"Penny for you thoughts," Derek murmured as he scrubbed his head.

Meredith looked intensely down at her own hands, and fought to keep herself from blushing. "Just reviewing the procedure," she lied.

"Hmm." He pulled his hands out of the sink and went around her to dry. "You're a bad liar."

"Leave it," she ordered sharply.

He nodded once and went into the OR.

An hour later Meredith was standing over a man's spine and across the operating table from Derek watching him manipulating veins around as he worked to expose the tumor.

"Hold this Dr. Grey?" he requested, gesturing that she take a instrument and hold it to keep the field open.

"Good," he murmured as Meredith's assistance made it easier to find the tumor. "You can set that down. Once we get this field clear you can come over here and cut."

Meredith opened her mouth to thank him, but was suddenly distracted by a sensation coming from her stomach.

"Oh my god," she couldn't help but exclaim, stepping away from the operating table, both hands instinctively flying to her rounded belly.

"What is it?" Derek asked frantically.

She looked up to see definite panic in his eyes, but before she could reassure him he was already around the table and at her side.

"Meredith, is the baby alright?" Derek demanded. One of his arms was lightly holding her upper arm and the other was on her stomach, rubbing in small, soothing circles.

Meredith tried to ignore the confused look of the resident who was scrubbed in and the whispering of the scrub nurses and the anesthesiologist.

"Meri!" Derek said loudly to get her attention back. "Tell me what's wrong!" He let go of her arm, and placed both hands next to hers over the spot where their child lay.

"Nothings wrong," she assured him, rubbing her stomach with her own hands.

"You're sure?" Derek questioned.

"Yeah." She looked up at him with an amazed grin. "I felt him."

"You what?"

"I felt him," she repeated, and then she gasped. "He did it again!"

"Really?" Derek asked excitedly. "That's amazing, Meri!"

Rubbing a hand over where she had felt the movement she nodded in agreement. "It's just like a little flutter, but I know it's the baby."

"I can't wait til she starts kicking," he told her.

She bit her bottom lip. "I can't wait til she's born."

"Yeah, it'll be amazing."

They were silent for a moment, staring down at Meredith's stomach and thinking about what lay beneath their four hands.

The resident suddenly cleared his throat and they were reminded that they had a patient on the table and that the patient was their current responsibility.

"Sorry for the interruption," Derek told the room, finally removing his hands from Meredith's belly. "Dr. Grey and I will go scrub back in and we'll finishing saving Mr. Davis's life."

Meredith kept running her hands up and down her stomach as she walked into the scrub room in front of Derek. That tiny little sensation had a profound impact. She was going to be a mother in a matter of months. It would take a while for her to fully adjust to that fact.

**I know it's short, but now that I'm fully transitioned into summer mode, I should have longer and more frequent updates, but of course, we'll see. As always, I appreciate feedback so . . . **

**Please Review.**


	25. Chapter 25

"This sucks," Meredith groaned, turning over onto her other side.

Cristina moaned in response. "Mer, I know you're miserable, but you need to shut up." She tugged the blankets up higher snuggled down into Meredith's bed.

"I cannot sleep, she won't stop kicking." Meredith rubbed her hands down her stomach. "Please, little one, please go to sleep."

The baby kicked harder at the sound of her voice, and Meredith groaned. She had been working the night before, her first overnight shift in over a month. It had been a busy night, and the movement had kept the baby up all night. Apparently now that meant that she wasn't going to stop moving and Meredith was not going to get to sleep.

"You only have like two months left," Cristina muttered. "Deal. And it's a boy."

Meredith lay silently for a moment, trying to relax herself and calm the baby. It seemed to be working for a while as the baby kicked a couple times and then settled down. After a minute though, a hand and foot simultaneously lashed out, and Meredith gasped as a foot caused a sudden sharp pain to travel through her body. She moaned in protest. All she wanted was a little sleep, but it seemed that she would not be getting that.

Cristina sat up and rolled out of bed. "Mer, I'm sorry, but I'm going home. I start at five, which now four hours away. I need to sleep."

Meredith looked at her alarm clock to see that it was indeed almost one a.m. "Yeah, go ahead. I'm sorry I kept you up."

"I get it," Cristina told her. "Trust me, I would be much more of a bitch than you if I was the one growing the fetus."

Meredith chuckled.

"Night," Christina said as she left the room. "I hope you can fall asleep."

"Doubtful. See you."

Meredith listened as Cristina walked through the apartment and let herself out the front door. The baby kicked again and her stomach growled.

"Sweetheart, you should go to sleep," Meredith murmured, rubbing both hands over her now severely swollen stomach. She had been rubbing the butter-lotion crap Alex had given her over her stomach every night, but after the fifth month she realized that she would definitely have stretch marks and that her body would never be the same, even if she exercised everyday until her baby went to kindergarten.

"I'm excited for you to be born, my little baby," she soothed. "I hear that you're not going to let me sleep then either though. And I thought I was done with that now that I'm an attending. But once you're born, I'm definitely going to let your daddy help take care of you at night." She realized she was rambling, but she continued anyways. Her voice seemed to actually be calming the baby. "Your daddy loves you a lot, you know. I think that he'll always be there for you. He was always there for me. I'm sorry you don't get the perfect family. That's what it would have been, but everything's different now. But just know that we are still going to love you just as much."

Meredith fell silent, reflecting on how messed up everything was. She had wanted her baby to have the perfect family, but now he was going to be born into a broken mess. But she hadn't been lying when she had said that she and Derek would love their baby just as much. They already did.

The baby seemed to have fallen asleep, but now her stomach was occupied with growling for food. Groaning, Meredith rolled out of bed. She would not be sleeping tonight.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

The familiar sound of his ringtone pulled Derek from a deep sleep. Rubbing his eyes, he fumbled in the dark for his phone, trying to remember if he was the oncall neurosurgeon tonight.

Picking up his phone, he said "Derek Shepherd" as professionally as possible just after being awoken in the middle of the night.

"Der?" a nervous voice he would recognize anywhere responded.

He sat up instantly in bed. "Meri, is something wrong?" He reached for his alarm clock to see that it was 1:30 a.m.

"I'm okay and I'm sorry for waking you," she assured him. "It's just . . ." Her voice trailed off.

"What is it?" he asked gently.

"Will you do something for me?" she asked.

He closed his eyes, his heart constricting slightly. It hurt a lot that she had to ask that. There was a time, not long ago, when she knew that he would go out of his way to do anything for her, and that most of the time he did it without her asking. Derek would give anything to go back to what their relationship had been, but due to his actions it would never be possible.

"Of course, Meredith, anything." He got out of bed and started to pull sweatpants and a t-shirt over the boxer he had slept in.

"You know that thing you cook?"

"What one?" A smile crossed his face at her trademark vagueness.

"You know, that one I really like. With the chicken and the green things?"

"Vegetables?" he clarified.

"Yeah."

"Chicken stir-fry?"

"Yum, yes. Can you come make that for me?" she asked, much more confident than she had been when she answered the phone.

He chuckled a little at her request to have him come over to cook for her in the middle of the night. She was definitely pregnant. "Sure, I'll be right over. What do you have as far as food?"

"Um." He heard the sound of a refrigerator opening. "Bottled water. Ketchup. Cold pizza."

Derek rolled his eyes, not at all surprised. "Never mind, I think I have everything I need here. Tell me where you live."

"You know Cristina's place?"

Derek thought for a minute, envisioning the apartment. "Yep."

"Okay, I'm just two blocks up from that, so the way your coming from just turn right on that street and go up two blocks past her building. It's on the left side of the street. A grey building next to that deli with the super good turkey," she explained.

"Oh, okay." Derek knew exactly what she was talking about. That deli was a place the hospital staff often ran to when they couldn't stand another day of hospital food.

"My number is 313."

"313," he repeated. "Alright, I'll just grab the food and be there in twenty minutes."

"Thank you."

"No problem." He hung up the phone and ran down to the kitchen to start a paper bag full of the food he would need to fulfill Meredith's request.

Nineteen minutes later, he was knocking on the door labeled 313. Meredith answered almost immediately, and he smiled as he did every time he saw her in street clothes, or rather the fitted tank top and sweats she was wearing as pajamas. She looked so pregnant and it really sat beautifully on her. It was amazing to think that they had created the child growing within her.

"Hey, come on in," she said much more brightly than anyone should be at two in the morning.

"Nice place," Derek observed, looking around the apartment. She had most of the lights on and he walked through the entryway into a sizable kitchen and living room space. It was one of the roomier apartments in he had been in, even bigger than Christina and Burke's place.

"I like it," she responded.

Meredith followed him into the kitchen where he lifted his bag of food onto the counter and started pulling things out.

"Do you want rice or potatoes with this?" he asked. Rice definitely fit better with the meal, but he knew Meredith had a thing for potatoes.

"Definitely potatoes," Meredith said, and Derek smiled to have figured that one out. "I want them mashed."

"Where do you keep the pots and pans?" he asked.

"Um, I'm not sure." Meredith frowned. "I think a set came with the place. They're probably somewhere."

Derek looked at her in shock. "You've never used them?"

"I don't cook," she said defensively.

"You cook some things," Derek contradicted. "Grilled cheese."

Meredith made a face. "That's basically all I ate month three. After throwing up grilled cheese twenty six times it gets hard to eat."

His stomach rolled slightly at the thought. "I can imagine. What have you been eating?"

"Sometimes I go over to Cristina's and Burke cooks for us. Otherwise hospital food and ordering in. Did you know that the Italian place, that really good one, will deliver? I eat that all the time, it's so delicious." She smiled through her explanation.

Derek snorted, imagining the bill she was racking up by ordering in all the time. Not that it matter with the money they had, but still.

"I'm glad you're not starving," he told her as he dug around in her cupboards for the pots and pans.

Meredith hopped up onto the counter as he started to cook, and it felt a bit like it used to when things between them were normal. They would spend their evenings together when they were both off, and she would watch him cook. Now it was a bit sad that they hadn't done this for seven months, and that there was no chance that their dinner would get burned as they got a little too wrapped up in each other. No chance that Derek would be turning off the burners and carrying Meredith to bed to make love, and then ordering her a pizza afterwards and watching her eat almost all of it.

"She's got the hiccups," Meredith commented as Derek prepared her midnight snack.

"What?" Derek turned around to face her, unsure what she was talking about.

"The baby," Meredith clarified. "She's got the hiccups. It feels really funny."

A smile flooded Derek's face. "Our baby is hiccupping? That's adorable."

Meredith's face suddenly scrunched with pain. "That was a hard kick." She rubbed a spot along her ribcage. "He always kicks when he hiccups."

"Does it happen often?" Derek asked. It was painful that he was missing out on so much. He knew that to some extent every father felt this way during the pregnancy. The baby was connected to the mother in a way that the father could never be apart of, and that of course meant the mother felt every hiccup and every kick. However, not seeing Meredith much was hard. If he was around, he could be apart of so much more.

"It happened for the first time three weeks ago and now she's been doing this every couple of days." Both hands cradled her stomach, and Derek longed for a camera so he could remember how she looked forever.

"Is he still kicking?" Derek asked.

"Yeah, want to feel?"

Derek was surprised that she offered so easily. He had been dying to touch her stomach since he had found out she was pregnant and the few times he had been able to were amazing. There was just something about being that close to his child. There was a certain connection between the three of them that he savored and longed for.

"I would love to," he responded.

Meredith took his hand in hers and Derek felt sparks of electricity as her soft skin rubbed against his. "Right here." She laid his hand down.

He didn't feel anything for a minute, but then he felt a distinct kick against his hand.

"Wow," he whispered as he felt his baby for the first time.

"I know," Meredith responded. "That's her foot." She grabbed his wrist again. "The head is up here. One of the hands is right against my ribs here. She hits me sometimes. And the other foot is right here." Meredith laid his hand at the top of her stomach, right under her expanded breasts.

Derek smiled as the baby kicked the foot he had his hand on top of. He now had a mental image of how their baby was nestled inside Meredith and that, in addition to being able to feel proof of life, was absolutely amazing.

**There is still a second half to this night coming asap, so this is technically part one of the chapter. The second half will be shorter, probably, but who knows, sometimes things end up way longer than I think they should. Please give me feedback as always; it inspires me to write faster.**


	26. Chapter 26

"Oh, Derek," Meredith moaned. "This is the best meal I've ever eaten."

Derek smiled. Her entire meal had been punctuated by delightful and tempting little moans that just made him want to lay her down and ravish her. It was so wonderful having a chance to spend time with her, even if it was in the middle of the night. He still loved her more than anything in the world and it hurt that he rarely saw her.

"Want some more?" he offered.

"Oh yes." Meredith held out of plate and he took it from her hands.

"Potatoes or stir-fry?" he asked.

"Both please."

Derek filled her plate and showed it to her. "Does this look good?" he asked, referring to the amount.

"Perfect. Aren't you going to have some?"

"Actually, I don't usually have much of an appetite at this time of day, or rather night," he teased, coming over to sit next to her at the breakfast bar where she was devouring her second helping.

"Baby is hungry at this time a lot," Meredith said before shoving a forkful of mashed potatoes into her mouth.

"What do you usually feed him? There is basically no food in this house," Derek observed, remembering the phone conversation.

Meredith frowned adorably. "There is too food," she contradicted. "In the cupboard I have bread and peanut butter, Izzie's muffins, chips, and Oreos."

"Well, that's a fully stocked kitchen," Derek agreed with a teasing smile.

Rolling her eyes, Meredith took another bite. "Whatever, she likes all that stuff in the middle of the night, usually. But tonight she needed this. Thanks for coming over."

"I'm glad to do it," Derek said honestly, not letting her hear the emotion that would betray just how glad he was that she had called and how excited he was to be with her. "Anything for our baby."

"Yeah." Meredith patted her stomach. "Spoiled already."

Noticing the empty spot on her plate, Derek asked, "More potatoes?"

Biting her bottom lip, Meredith nodded. "They are so good."

Glad that his midnight snack was getting a positive response and that so much was being eaten Derek got up to fill her plate once again.

"So have you thought of any names for our little pumpkin? She'll be making her appearance pretty soon," he commented as he set her plate down and settle beside her once again.

"Umm." Meredith was silent for a moment. "I don't think you'll like my idea."

It had been an innocent question and Derek certainly hadn't expected that response. At this point, he would like pretty much any idea she had, so long as agreeing would make it more likely for him to get back into her good graces at some point. If he had been eating out of the palm of her hand while they were still happy, it was nothing compared to now.

"What is your idea?" Derek asked gently. "Tell me so we can talk about it."

Meredith hesitated. "Well . . . I was thinking about naming the baby after Cristina. I mean, not Cristina because that's just kind of weird, but maybe like Christine or Kristy for a girl. I don't really know, but she's helped so much, and I want her and Burke to be Godparents too, I don't know . . ." Her rambled trailed off and she was left staring at her stomach in silence.

Unsure how to respond most positively, Derek started with the easy point. "I think it would be a great idea to make Cristina and Burke the Godparents."

"Really?" Meredith looked up at him with an expression he would label as surprise.

"Definitely. Burke is one of my best friends and, honestly, I like Cristina. I really respect her as a doctor and a person. She's great for you." The response was actually one hundred percent honest. He had never really gotten on that well with Cristina but he had nothing against her, and he had to love her for how much she cared for Meredith, though he didn't always approve of how she went about caring for Meredith.

"She likes you too, you know . . . well, at least she did before . . ."

There was a huge, uncomfortable pause as Meredith finally touched on the huge issue between them that they had never confronted head on.

Feeling as though he was obligated to break the silence, Derek finally said, "Meredith, I am so sorry. I haven't ever really apologized, but I want you to know that I regret it every second of every day. I would do anything to take it back."

"You can't," she said sharply, severing his heart once again.

"I know," he whispered. "But, Meri, please know how sorry I am."

"I know," she sighed. "But it can't change anything."

Derek laid his head on her forearm. "I know."

Jerking her arm away, Meredith resumed eating, clearly as an avoidance method. Derek felt sick to his stomach. He had thought that apologizing to her would help, but it had just made everything worse. She had essentially accepted his apology, but nothing had changed. Derek didn't feel as though a burden had been taken from his chest, he just felt worse as he realized just how deeply the scars from his action ran.

"What are we going to do?" Derek asked after a couple of minutes.

"What?"

"What are we going to do about us?" Derek clarified. "I mean, we're still married, technically."

Tears filled Meredith's eyes and she flung her fork down onto her plate with a clatter. "I don't know," she nearly shouted. "I don't know what I want!"

"Okay." Derek instinctively held his hands up in the surrender position. "Okay."

"I don't want to talk about it," she muttered, staring down at her nearly empty plate.

"No need," Derek reassured her. "Want more to eat?"

She shook her head and scraped the final bites from her plate.

Derek stood from his spot and took the dish from in front of her. "I'll clean this up, why don't you go back to bed?"

Shaking her head again, she slumped down on her stool and laid her head down on the counter.

Tentatively, Derek rubbed a hand over her back. It made him feel slightly better about the situation when she relaxed into his touch, and he set down the plate to rub with both hands, gently massaging her bare shoulders. Meredith moaned and he was encouraged to go on, forcing himself not to become aroused from the combination of the sounds coming from her mouth, her scent, and the fact that he was finally touching her, even if it was just a friendly backrub. The tank top she was wearing allowed him to touch the bare skin of her neck and shoulders, and it was heavenly, even softer and smoother than he remembered.

He could feel how tired she was getting under his hands, and after several minutes, he asked, "Ready for bed?"

She let out a long soft sigh. "I'll just go lay on the couch until you're done."

"Are you sure? Feel free to go to your bed; I won't be at all insulted. Our little one needs you well rested." He took the liberty of running a hand across her stomach and he took victory in the fact that she didn't flinch away.

Rolling her shoulders and stretching her arms over her head in a way put her breasts on a lovely display, she repeated, "I'll lay on the couch."

"Alright," Derek told her. "I'll put the extra food in your frigid."

"Thanks, Derek. For everything."

"No problem."

And it really wasn't a problem in fact it was a joy. This small involvement with her pregnancy was a memory he knew he would savor for the rest of his life. He just loved her, and his unborn child, so much. This was a much better way to spend his night than sleeping.

He made quick work of the kitchen, and put the extra food on two plates, carefully covering them and putting them in her frigid to be accompanied by her bottled water and cold pizza. After he finished wiping down the counters and checking to make sure all the burners were off, he went into the living room to say goodbye to Meredith. He was not surprised to find her sound asleep on the couch, the light snores indicating that she was already in a fairly deep sleep. Derek knew it would take a lot to wake her.

Kneeling down on the floor next to her, he ran a hand over her stomach. "Hey, little baby," he whispered, keeping his voice low enough that he wouldn't risk waking Meredith. "This is your daddy. I haven't gotten to talk to you much, but I just wanted to let you know how much I love you. I'm so excited for you to be born and to finally get to hold you. Your room is all ready for you. You can stay there as soon as your mommy is ready to let you spend the night with me."

There was a small kick against his hands, and Derek adjusted his voice to an even more soothing tone. "Go to sleep, my little one. Don't wake up your mommy." There was another kick. "I know you are starting to feel a little crowded, baby, but you need to stay in there for another two months. Your mommy and I want you to be ready when you come out of there. I hope you know that everything is going to be okay. Things are a little complicated with mommy and daddy, but that isn't going to affect you. We're both going to love you so much, and I promise that I am always going to be there for you. I'm going to take some time off when you're born to get to know you, and I'll always leave work when you need me to. And I'm always going to love you so much. Sweet dreams, my love. Your daddy loves you."

Derek placed a light kiss on Meredith's stomach and stood up. He looked down at her lying on the couch. She didn't look uncomfortable, but Derek knew that with the way her back had been bothering her she shouldn't sleep on the couch all night. She would probably sleep better in her bed too, and it was obvious to anyone who looked at her that she desperately needed a goodnight's sleep.

After a brief hesitation, Derek reached down to gather her up into his arms. She was sleeping deep enough that he knew he could get her into her bed without really waking her and she would be so much more comfortable.

With an arm supporting her neck and shoulders and the other under her knees, Derek lifted her into his arms, pausing a moment to soak in the sensation. It had been so long since he had held her. Far too long. She felt so good folded against his chest. The pregnancy had definitely made her heavier, but she was still petite and he loved her so much he would have carried her even if she was fifty pounds heavier just so he could hold her. He wished that he could settle into the armchair and keep her in his arms all night, but he knew that was far from a possibility.

Savoring each second, Derek slowly carried her to her bed, pausing for a full two minutes beside it before he laid her down, so he could try and commit every detail of her in his arms to memory. He had taken holding her for granted in the past and he wasn't going to make the same mistake now.

His arms felt empty when he finally placed her gently in her bed. She stretched and shifted and he stayed absolutely still until she settled. At that point, he gently covered her, and stroked the hair back from her forehead. Before he left the room, he placed a delicate kiss on her forehead, and whispered, "I love you so much, Meri," before quietly turning off the lights and letting himself out of her apartment.

**I know this is kind of short but I absolutely love this chapter. There might actually still be a little more to this part – I might do a Mer POV kind of thing because her voice really wasn't heard and there are some thoughts of hers that I would like to communicate. We'll see. Please give me comments.**

**Please Review.**


	27. Chapter 27

Derek pulled off his scrub cap and shoved it into the pocket of his lab coat as he walked into the attending lounge. He had just finished a nine hour trauma surgery and was exhausted from all the standing. The patient had had a bashed in skull, and while Derek had done everything he could he knew there would be brain damage for sure. It made saving a life a little painful.

"Damn it!" a voice suddenly cried out.

Derek looked over to the sound, and saw the most adorable sight, which immediately took away his exhaustion and lingering aches. Meredith sat in one of the overstuffed arm chairs in the back corner of the room, and was attempting to reach over her stomach to her feet. Attempting was definitely the right word because there was no way she would make it over her thirty five week stomach without toppling onto the floor.

"Meredith," he greeted in response to her curse. He walked over to her. "Need a hand?"

She gave him a pathetic pout and lifted her foot up to him. "I can't get my shoes off."

Hiding a smile, Derek pulled the footstool a little closer to her and sat down on it. "Not a problem." He pulled her foot into his lap and tugged on the double knotted laces of her tennis shoes and loosened them until he could slide the shoe off of her foot. He proceeded to the other foot and carefully placed both shoes on the floor.

"There you go," he announced. "Can I just ask how in the world you manage to get those on in the first place?"

"Very carefully," she muttered.

He couldn't help but laugh and she returned a rueful smile despite herself.

"Anything else I can get for you?" he asked.

She paused for a moment. "I have an apple juice in the fridge."

"Coming right up."

Derek went over to the fridge and looked through the bottle drinks until he found a half-full bottle of apple juice with the letter "M" carefully written on the cover in black marker.

"Here you go," he said as he handed it to her.

"Thanks." She gave him an appreciative smile and opened the bottle to take a sip. "Any surgeries today?"

"I just got out of a trauma surgery," he told her.

"How'd it go?"

"The kid had his skull bashed in and he was leaking brain fluids when they brought him in. I saved his life, but there'll be brain damage for sure. Severe damage. Drunk teenagers, of course," he explained regretfully.

Meredith looked at her watch. "It's not even noon!" she exclaimed. "The kids should be in school, not out drinking."

"He was brought in last night at two," Derek clarified.

"Wow, long surgery."

"Yeah," he agreed. "What about you?"

She sighed. "I've only been in for a couple hours. I've got a craniotomy at three, but nothing before that. I checked on all my patients, and I've got an intern monitoring them, so all I need to do is sit here."

"Well, that's not all bad."

"Yeah." She nodded. "I'm being mommy tracked, and I think I need to be. I'm huge and my feet and back are killing me."

Derek looked at her sympathetically. "You're almost done. You are doing such a good job with all of this."

"Thanks. I'm just trying to keep her in here for another five weeks." She patted her stomach affectionately. "You stay in there," she demanded of the baby.

Chuckling at her actions, Derek reached down for a foot and lifted it into his lap. "You boss around our baby, and I'll see what I can do about your feet."

"Derek," she whined in protest, half-hearted tugging away her foot.

He wouldn't let it go, and he gently began massaging her arch. "Hey, you're doing all the work, let me do this."

Her body relaxed into the chair more fully, and she let him have the foot to work on. "Fine."

"Doesn't it feel good?" he asked.

Meredith moaned softly.

"I'm going to take that as a yes," Derek laughed. "Your ankles are really swollen," he observed after a minute as he switched to the other foot.

"Tell me about it," she groaned. "And Cristina says I'm waddling now."

Derek was wise enough not to tell her that he agreed with Cristina. He had seen Meredith walking in the hallway two days ago, and there was definitely some waddling going on. It was, like everything about pregnant Meredith, adorable.

Changing the subject from her manner of walking, Derek asked, "So are you all ready for this baby?"

"Getting there. Cristina and Izzie helped me buy all the big furniture, and we painted the nursery yellow – actually they painted and I sat in the other room, but whatever. Izzie wants to add to it once the baby is born, like sailboats for a boy or flowers for a girl or something," she rambled.

"That sounds nice."

"Yeah, Iz is really getting annoyed that we didn't find out the sex. Apparently it makes preparations a lot harder."

Derek smiled. "Aren't you glad we didn't find out?"

Biting her lip, she smiled back. "Yeah. It's fun to guess."

"So, what do you think? They say the mother always knows," Derek commented.

Meredith shrugged. "I really don't know. Cristina is certain it's a boy, and I'm pretty sure she will be losing a lot of money if it's a girl, but I'm not sure. What do you think?"

Derek switched feet again before answering. "Well, not to disagree with Cristina, I've been leaning towards girl, but, like you, I really don't know."

"We'll find out soon." Meredith grinned and rubbed her stomach again.

"Boy."

They both looked up as Cristina entered the room and approached the pair.

"Move your ass over, Mer," Cristina demanded.

Meredith pulled her foot free to obey and Derek watched as Cristina wedged herself onto the chair next to Meredith. It didn't exactly look comfortable, but they both fit in a chair clearly made for one person even with Meredith's extra weight. Derek looked at the two women, not exactly sure what to say.

"Have you eaten lunch yet?" Cristina asked Meredith.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "No."

"Shepherd, go buy her something," Cristina ordered. "Now."

"Cristina, I can get my own," Meredith protested, although she made no move to get up.

Derek got to his feet. "It's no problem, Meredith. I can even run to the café across the street if you want."

"Really?" Her eyes lit up. "That sounds so much better than hospital food."

"Of course. What do you want?"

"Umm," Meredith thought for a second. "Tomato soap, French fries, and a ham sandwich."

Derek repeated her order. "I'll be right back with that. Will you still be here?"

"Should be. Put it in the fridge if I'm not."

"Okay." Derek walked to the door.

"Oh, Der!" Meredith exclaimed before he could leave. "Ice cream! That place has the best ice cream ever."

"Strawberry?" he asked with a grin.

"What else?"

"I'll be right back," he promised.

"Thank you!"

Derek grinned to himself as he walked out the door. He loved waiting on her so much.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

"I thought you weren't talking to him," Cristina said as soon as Derek left the room.

Meredith sighed. "I'm not really, Cris. He just came in, and I couldn't get my shoes off and he helped."

"And then he gave you a foot massage and you chatted about the baby," Cristina mocked.

Groaning, Meredith justified, "It's his baby too."

"Yeah, but do I really have to remind you that the only reason he's getting a baby is because he beat you up and then raped you?" Cristina pointed out.

"He did apologize," Meredith defended weakly.

"So that makes it okay?"

Sighing again, Meredith laid her head down on Cristina's shoulder. "No, it doesn't make it okay, but I can't keep him from the baby, he's so excited."

"His rape baby."

Meredith lifted up her head. "Okay, that is not okay! This is our baby, she's a person, and no one, not even you, is allowed to call her that!"

Cristina actually looked apologetic. "Sorry, Mer. That was out of line. It's not the baby's fault. The boy baby, by the way."

"Whatever." Meredith laid her head back down. "I just want to do everything right, and it's already going so wrong."

Cristina reached over, and uncharacteristically stroked Meredith's stomach. "It's not that bad. The baby has two parents who love him, plus me and Burke, and Izzie, Alex, and George. That's better than a lot of kids ever get."

"That's true," Meredith agreed. "He'll always know that he's loved."

"No matter what," Cristina confirmed.

"Yeah."

After a few minutes of silence, Meredith admitted, "I do need Derek, you know. This baby thing would be so much more terrifying if I didn't know that he'll be there."

"Why?" Cristina asked. "You have us."

"I know, but Derek is the dad. I can call him in the middle of the night and I know he'll come over. He can stay home when the baby is sick, and I can leave the baby with him when I want to get out," she explained.

"We can baby-sit and doctor and help," Cristina pointed out.

"Yeah, but he has to. And he's going to want to. I mean he gave up his job for this baby. He's going to be a great dad."

Cristina sighed. "I can't disagree with that."

"And I want my baby to have a dad," Meredith admitted. "It sucks not to."

"Don't worry; this little boy is going to have everything."

Meredith giggled. "Maybe I should be worrying about us spoiling him, then."

"Yeah."

Changing back to the original subject, Meredith told Cristina, "You should just know that Derek is going to be around more once this baby is born. He'll be over to help out and he'll be there when the baby is born, and you two are just going to have to find a way to live with each other."

Cristina nodded. "It's your baby, and it's not your fault that McAsshole is the dad, so don't worry about it."

"Thank, Cris," Meredith sighed, feeling a lot better knowing that her two biggest supporters wouldn't kill each other. "And please don't call him names like that once the baby is born."

"Got it. I wonder where your food is," she commented. "For someone as eager to please as Shep, I'd expect him to run both ways."

Meredith laughed. "He probably is."

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Derek opened the door to the attending lounge, but before he could get into the room, Cristina jumped up from the chair and pulled him into the hall. Carefully balancing Meredith's food, Derek let her pull on his arm.

"What?" he asked once the door shut behind them.

"Look, Meredith wants us to get along for the baby or whatever, so I just wanted to make something very clear," Cristina started.

Derek was wise enough not to respond and he waited for Cristina to finish.

"I don't like you and I don't trust you. I think you are a bastard, and if I was Meredith I would have divorced your ass and moved across the country," Cristina explained. "But she wants the kid to have a dad, and for some reason she thinks you will be a good one. But, Shepherd, if you ever hurt her or that baby I will beat you and never let you near either of them again. And I am so not kidding."

Derek nodded slowly. "I would expect nothing else."

"Good. Because I will keep you away from them."

"I know," Derek replied honestly. "I'm glad that Meredith has you to take care of her."

"Well, you're a bastard." Cristina pushed by him and into the hallway.

Derek shook his head as she walked away. Only Cristina would end a conversation about how they should be friends like that.

Holding all of his containers, he pushed opened the door with his shoulder and walked into where Meredith was still sitting.

"I got your lunch," he announced. He carried it over and set the containers down beside her. Just as he was about to sit down with her, his pager went off.

Annoyed, he glanced at it, and saw that it was for one of his patients and that he really couldn't ignore it, although it wasn't marked as 911.

"I've got to go," he told her regretfully. "You're sandwich and fries are in this one. Here's the soup. Do you want the ice cream in the freezer for now?"

Meredith shook her head and opened the box with the sandwich. "I like it when it gets soupy."

"Alright, well, I guess I'll be seeing you later." He leaned down over her stomach and lightly touched her, smiling when he felt the baby kick. "Be good, little baby. I love you."

"Thanks for the food," Meredith told him as he stood up.

"Anytime. Oh, and, Meredith, I think we should name the baby after Cristina."

Meredith raised her eyebrows. "She just yelled at you and now you want to name the baby after her?"

"She didn't exactly yell; she just wanted to make sure we were on the same page," Derek clarified. "She really does care."

"I know," Meredith agreed.

"So think about Cristina names, and we'll talk about it sometime soon, okay?"

"Sounds good." Meredith put a fry in her mouth. "I've got a top boy and girl name, so after you think about it we'll compare."

"Wonderful. See you, Meredith."

Derek paused at the door for a moment before he left, watching as his beautiful wife eat her lunch. Despite all the problems, he had to admit that he was extremely lucky to have all he did.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

Meredith stepped off the elevator that evening and it was such a relief to be home. Surgery had taken a lot of her, even though it was a very short procedure. She didn't want to admit it, but she would have to start cutting back soon; pregnancy was exhausting.

There was a package in front of the door of her apartment, and with a huge effort, Meredith bent down to pick it up. Opening the door with her key, she examined the box, confused about what it was. She had ordered a pizza, but this was definitely not that, and it shouldn't be coming for another forty-five minutes anyways.

Setting her purse and keys on the counter, Meredith sat down at the table to open the box. Instead there was another two boxes, and Meredith reached for the big one.

Inside laid a note and a pair of shoes. Picking up the note she read,

_So you don't have to worry about shoe laces._

_ Derek_

Meredith couldn't help but smile, and she examined the brown slip on shoes carefully. They were very nice, and looked comfortable. Toeing off her loosely tied tennis shoes she slipped one on to find a perfect fit.

Smiling, she opened the other box to find a pair of tiny baby booties. She picked one up, examining the delicate white knit. The shoes were far from practical, but they were gorgeous and Meredith was excited that she would soon have a baby to put them on.

_These were too beautiful not to buy, _the note explained, and Meredith smiled again, agreeing completely.

**I thought this would be really short, but I guess it isn't. This was actually a last minute idea that I stuck in here, and the good news about that is that the next chapter is already half written, it just needs to be reworked a little bit because I wrote this. So hopefully an update soon; this story is really moving along lately.**

**Please review and I'll update ASAP.**


	28. Chapter 28

"Shit, shit, shit," Meredith muttered as she swayed back and forth in front of the OR board.

She had been banned from surgery two weeks ago. At thirty-six weeks, Bailey had decided that Meredith should be on maternity leave. Meredith had appealed to Alex who had determined that she would be fine to work half days as long as she came to him for check-ups twice a week. The compromise had than been that she could be at the hospital, but no surgery because of all the standing and the potential for damage to a patient if she were to start having contractions while holding a scalpel.

As much as Meredith ached for the OR she was pleased with the agreement. She would go crazy if she was forced onto maternity leave, and it was nice being able to go to the hospital and feel somewhat useful as she examined and monitored patients. Although she would never admit it to anyone, she was also happy to have a limited work schedule. The pregnancy was taking a lot out of her at this point and she needed the rest. The baby had become to cramped to move around as much, and Meredith had felt her settle into the birthing position a couple of days ago. Meredith could feel how cramped she was feeling, and was kept uncomfortable and awake all the time from the added weight and the little kicks and jabs.

GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA

Derek strolled down the stairs to the OR board where he saw Meredith waddling before it. He hadn't been talking to her frequently, just brief phone conversation about baby names and other such details and short run-ins with her at the hospital. It was nice when he ran into her at work because he missed her a lot. She was so pregnant now and he had missed so much.

Her waddling at gotten even more extreme over the last couple of weeks and he loved watching her. It was absolutely adorable. It hurt though that he couldn't watch her everyday, and that he couldn't be there to help her put on her shoes or stand from bed. But he was dealing with it, and savoring all the little moments he could get with her. He knew that the baby, although not due for another two weeks, could be born any day. He was so excited, not just for the baby, but for the opportunity to get closer to Meredith. She had promised that she would never keep him from the baby, so he anticipated seeing her a lot once their little one was born.

Walking to the board, he stood beside her, pretending to examine the board, even though he knew exactly when his next surgery was.

"Hey, Meredith. How are you?" he greeted.

"Umm, I'm alright," she responded.

"That's good. And our little one?"

"He's good too."

"Great." Derek looked over at her and grinned. She looked almost off-balance with her protruding stomach. It was so adorable; he just wanted to keep her pregnant all the time. "You really do look great. Is Alex still happy with how everything is going?"

"Umm, yeah," she said distractedly. She finally turned away from the board and looked at him. "Do you think you can bump your six o'clock surgery to tomorrow?"

He gave her a confused frown and took a step closer to her. "Probably. Why?"

Suddenly, she gasped and bit her lips, both hands flying to her stomach. Then there was a sudden splash and Derek felt warm fluid soaking through his shoes.

"My contractions are . . ." Meredith glanced at her watch. ". . . sixteen minutes apart, and my water just broke all over your shoes, so if you want to see your kid get born you should probably bump the surgery."

Derek stared at her in shock, but had the sense to grab both of her arms, and carefully support her.

"You're in labor," he said rather stupidly.

The contraction seemed to have passed, and she looked up at him with a slight smile. "Yeah, now that my water broke I think I'll get up to OB."

Derek immediately registered the implication. "Wait, how long has this been going on?" he demanded.

"A couple of hours," she informed him. "It's not a big deal, though; this baby is in no rush."

Restraining himself from disagreeing, he settled for saying, "Well, we're going up there right now. You both need to be monitored."

"The baby's fine," Meredith assured him. "He's moving like he usually does."

"That's good, but let's get up to OB in case there's a problem." He was fighting not to let his worry turn into frustration towards her. She was so calm, and he was a puddle of nerves. If anything happened to Meredith or the baby he would never recover. He needed them both under the best care the hospital could provide immediately.

Meredith agreed to go to the OB floor without further argument.

"Okay, great," Derek said, trying to stop his hands from shaking. He couldn't believe this was finally happening. "Can you walk? You know what, I'll just get a wheelchair."

"No," Meredith said firmly. "Relax, I can walk. You can bring me up there and then come back and look in on your patients. I'll have you paged when it gets close."

Gently gripping the hand and elbow of her right arm, Derek guided her towards the elevators. "Don't be ridiculous," he told her. "I'm taking the day off, actually, the next eight weeks off. I'm not going to miss this."

"It's not going to take eight weeks to deliver," Meredith said sarcastically, but with a clear question in her voice.

"I'm taking an extended leave so I can get to know the baby," Derek explained. "I have enough time, in fact, I'll still have four weeks of vacations after that. It's nice how they roll it over year to year."

She didn't respond and Derek looked at her to gauge her response as he carefully guided her toward the elevators. He hadn't mentioned his leave to her before; it had just never come up, and now he prayed she wasn't angry. There wasn't really a reason to be, but with her this pregnant she didn't always react rationally.

"I only have six weeks," she said, her expression still unreadable to Derek.

He pressed the button for the elevator as he said, "Yeah, I know."

"Am I doing this wrong already?" she asked miserably.

"What? No!" Derek assured her. "Six weeks is standard. I just took a couple more because I have the time. I mean, the baby will be living with you, I assume, and I just wanted some one on one time. It's not like you're going back to full-time right away anyways. It's pretty much the same."

"I guess." She still seemed a little hesitant and Derek was filled with guilt. She was in labor and he was making her feel like a bad mother. Not the best course of action.

The elevator doors opened, and they climbed on. As they started to ascend, Derek looked at her and said with complete honesty, "I think you're going to be an excellent mother, Meredith."

She gave him a half-smile. "We'll be finding out soon enough."

He squeezed her arm. "Exciting, isn't it?"

Letting out a huge sigh, she responded, "It is. Totally nerve-racking, but exciting."

Derek couldn't stop the giddy grin from taking over. He would be a father in a matter of hours. It was something he had wanted for most of his adult life, and finally it was coming true.

**Shortest chapter ever award! I know, but I just wanted to get something up. My life has once again been swept away from me, and I'm scrambling to find time to get a full night's sleep, let alone write. I was totally delusional when I thought summer would be easier. Hopefully the next chapter will be up sooner. Review and inspire me.**

**Please Review.**


	29. Chapter 29

"Fuck, fuck, owwwwwwwwwww," Meredith moaned through yet another contraction, digging her nails deep into Derek's palm. He steeled himself against the pain, and refused to flinch away.

"There you go," he said gently, lightly touching her sweaty face once the contraction had passed.

"Ohh," she cried. "This is taking to long. Why can't she just come out?!"

Derek shushed her softly. "It usually takes a while with the first baby," he reassured her. "You need to stay calm. You're doing so great."

"It's been fourteen hours," she whined. "Get the nurse to come check me again."

"Mer," Cristina spoke up from her chair on the other side of the bed. "She just checked half and hour ago and you were at eight."

Meredith groaned. "You have no idea what this is like. It hurts so much and they are faster. I definitely could have made it to ten."

Cristina gave Derek a look of doubt over Meredith's bed. Although he completely agreed with her, he didn't return the look, not willing to risk Meredith seeing it.

Their attention was drawn back to Meredith as she cried out in pain once again, her nails sending darts of pain through the hand she still hadn't released.

"Derek, get the nurse now!" she demanded.

"Ok, ok," he soothed. "Breathe through this one first though. Deep breaths. There you go."

She gave him a chilling look as soon as her contraction had past. "Nurse, now."

"Alright." He stood up, gently uncurling her fingers from his hand that she had been clenching tightly for the past two hours. He laid it down gently on the bed, and stroked her damp hair back from her forehead. "You're doing such a good job. I'm so proud of you."

"I don't care," she grumbled. "Get the nurse so she can tell me I can push."

"I'm going."

As he walked out of the room, he could hear her start to moan in pain as another contraction hit. He heard Cristina yelp out briefly, and he smirked as he realized she was taking her turn at Meredith hand torture.

He found himself with a sunny smile on his face as he made his way to the nurse's station. It was approaching four in the morning and he had spent the entire night listening to Meredith whine and cry out in pain, and yet he had never been happy. His first baby would be making her way into the world within a matter of hours. Despite the circumstances, it had still worked out that the love of his life and the only woman he could ever imagine being with was the mother. So, really, everything in Derek Shepherd's life was perfect for the time being.

"Cindy," he said as he approached a tired looking nurse, who clearly didn't realize that this was one of the best days of the century. "Dr. Grey would like to be checked again. She thinks she's made progress."

"I just checked her half an hour ago," the nurse responded. "I don't think that she's reached ten."

"I know." Derek smiled brightly at the nurse. "She certainly hasn't, but she's demanding to be checked again anyways."

Cindy got up, muttering about time wasters, and lead the way to Meredith's room. Without addressing any of them, she ducked in between Meredith's legs. Derek went back to her side, and tenderly took her head back.

"Still holding up?" he murmured.

She gave him a dark glare in response and he stopped himself from chuckling. He completely understood that if he was in as much pain as she was that he wouldn't be willing to hear constant questions and reassurances. Yet, he knew that as soon as she saw their baby, she would be just as happy as he was right now.

"I'm sorry," the nurse said with little sympathy in her voice. "You're still at eight centimeters."

Meredith flopped back on her pillows and groaned. "Why doesn't this baby wanted to be born?"

"That woman was kind of a bitch," Cristina commented.

Meredith cracked a smile, but it was short lived as another contraction hit her. Derek gently coached her breathing. As happy as he was, it still hurt a little to see her in this much pain for such a long amount of time. Still, she was a trooper and everything was going perfectly, albeit a little slow.

The next two hours passed, blurring with the previous twelve. The nurse was in and out, a new one having replaced the sleep-deprived Cindy. Alex stopped in at one point and sat with them for a while. Meredith was nearing nine centimeters when he left, and he promised he'd be back soon to deliver their baby.

Derek offered as much support as he could to the love of his life, but he had learned sometimes that it was better to keep his mouth shut. Cristina was mostly silent, but Derek knew that Meredith needed her there, and that she was helping infinitely, there to reassure Meredith verbally when needed and just offer her presence the rest of the time.

Meredith suddenly cried out with more agony than she had for the entire labor, sending both Derek and Cristina immediately to their feet.

"Meri, what's wrong?" Derek asked, as calmly as possible.

The hand he wasn't gripping flailed and Cristina immediately grabbed it, leaning over her best friend.

"I need…" Meredith gasped for breathe. "It hurts…"

"Just breathe." Derek heard himself speak in union with Cristina.

"I need to push!" Meredith suddenly exclaimed.

Cristina dropped Meredith's hand and ran into the hallway, shouting for a nurse and for Dr. Karev to be paged.

Derek did his best to help Meredith control her breathing, his excitement growing by the second.

When her body let her relax for a second, she locked eyes with Derek. Hers were shinning with the excitement Derek had been feeling all day, and for once not clouded with pain.

"Derek, we're going to have a baby," she whispered.

He literally couldn't stop himself from saying, "I love you so much, Meri."

She gave him a soft smile, but the moment ended too soon as the room was suddenly filled with Cristina and two nurses.

"You are at ten centimeters," one declared brightly.

Alex hurried into the room at that moment. "Meredith, I hear it's time."

Her response was stopped by another contraction, and instantly Alex was at his place between her legs.

"Ok, Meredith, go ahead and push," Alex declared after a quick examination.

Her face scrunched with the effort, and a few tears finally escaped her eyes as she cried out again.

"I can't, I can't," she cried as the contraction ended.

"Meredith…" Alex and Cristina both started, but she continued crying as if she hadn't heard either of them.

Without, thinking about it, Derek leaned over her, dropping her hand so he could gently hold her face in both hands.

"Meri…Meri, look at me," he keep his voice soft and low, tilting his head and giving her the coined McDreamy smile when she finally made eye contract. He wiped the tears from her face with his thumbs, acting as though he had all the time in the world, despite the fact that he knew he had to get to her before the next contraction hit. "Meredith, my love, Meri. You're so close. You are doing wonderful, and I'm so proud of you. Now this is it, just a little more and we're going to have our beautiful baby. Aren't you excited to hold our baby, Meredith?"

Her eyes were shinning, no longer with tears. "Yes," she whispered.

He pressed his forehead against hers. "I am too. So let's get him out, ok?"

Their heads bumped together a little when Meredith nodded. A lone tear slipped out of her eye, and Derek tenderly wiped it away.

"Hold me?" Meredith asked so quietly he barely heard her.

"Always," he promised.

He leaned in to kiss her check, but she turned her head slightly and their lips brushed together for the briefest of moments. It was one of the best sensations Derek had ever felt.

It seemed as though it was only the two of them in the room as Derek helped her lean forward so he could sit in behind her on the bed. She grasped for his hands, and he gave her both of them, offering her as much support as his body could provide. He held her through the next contraction, encouraging her to push and push and push.

"The baby is crowning," Alex announced. "Ok, Mer, back off on the pushing for a second."

She didn't seem to hear him, so Derek gently squeezed her hand. "Meri, take a break. I'll tell you when to push again."

Her whole body suddenly relaxed at his words and she fell back against him.

Cristina peaked between Meredith's legs. "Oh, no, I think he's got the McDreamy hair. You guys are never going to be able to say no to him."

Derek chuckled. "I think we'll have that problem no matter what his hair is like."

Meredith cried out again, and Derek whispered softly in her ear, as he passed on Alex's instructions to push.

After a minute, she suddenly sobbed and fell back against Derek.

"You're ok," Derek soothed. "You're almost there."

"Can you get her to push again?" Alex asked.

Derek gently squeezed both her hands. "Meri, sweetheart, can you push again?"

With a strangled cry, her body tensed as she pushed hard, working to bring their baby into the world.

"There we go," Alex said. "The head is out. One more big push for the shoulders. Come on, Meredith."

She was nearly sobbing, but she obeyed without Derek needing to pass on the message and it seemed like she was responding more to her body than to anyone in the room.

"Here we go. You two have a beautiful baby boy." The baby slid out of her body into Alex's waiting hands.

Meredith had been lying heavily against him, but Derek could feel her respond as the room suddenly filled with the sound of a crying baby.

"Is that our baby?" Meredith asked, wiping frantically at her tears.

"Yes, Meri, that's our little boy," Derek said, unable to take his eyes off their beautiful miracle.

Alex laid the crying newborn on Meredith's chest, and Derek brought his hand up to lay on his son's back.

"Oh, Derek, he's beautiful," Meredith sobbed, touching a tiny hand, and touching one of his damp curls. The baby did indeed have the McDreamy hair.

"He's perfect," Derek agreed.

"Would you like to cut the cord, Derek?" Alex asked.

Derek nodded silently, carefully sliding out from behind Meredith and his perfect baby. Once he had cut the baby from Meredith, there was once again a flurry of activity as the baby was taken to be cleaned and examined, and Meredith finished delivering the placenta.

In a brief moment of calm, Derek leaned over Meredith again. "Thank you, Meri. Thank you for our son."

She started to cry again. "I've never been this happy in my life."

"I haven't either," Derek declared, feeling a tear of his own slid down his cheek.


End file.
